Two Cents

Gold Ole' Southern Security Guardin'

2006-06-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

*Blog*

First thing's first -- this blog has made more comebacks than Magic Johnson. And apparently people have been finding it by accident on the net while doing other searches. I got a call from an old co-worker about 2:30 this morning, Mr. Louis David, who stumbled across it trying to find some stuff about another T.V. station. Told me how much he liked it, and asked me how often do I update it. I said, "Not too regular anymore", and he was like, "Oh". So, for Louis, Lindsey who's still checking up in Dallas, and Veronica Mosgrove who no longer talks to me -- here's another comebacks. Don't know how long this one will last but here goes nothing. Enjoy.

A lot has happened since I last blogged. I saw "Akeehla and the Bee", through no fault of my own. But it was an educational experience, because I realized that you can't kill yourself by simply holding your breath for long periods of time. Don't ask me how I know this, just trust me. But on a happier note, Mr. Fields and Ms. Ramsey are officially engaged. I know, I know, women all over the United States will probably start drinking the "Jim Jones" kool-aid now, but I had to do it. She's too good of a woman to let go, and I promised not to turn her into a life-long girlfriend. She deserves it.

Just for shit's, giggles, and educational purposes, I really need to get a bottle of that "Tag" body spray.

The ants in my neighborhood are mexican. Hear me out. Washed my car one day around 12 and didn't see anything in my yard. Went in the house and came back out a couple of hours later to find several well constructed ant mounds. I was like, "What in the hell?" And I came to the conclusion that they were Mexican. Because only a Mexican can build something that fast, that sturdy.

Ok, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie -- (I refuse to call the Brangelina, but I guess I just did.) are officially getting on my nerves. I get entertainment weekly, and I promise you there was an article in every single issue about the two. If not them, damn Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Anniston. Enough already. Who really gives a shit. And the thing that tops everything is the fact that some assholes just paid Brad and Angie 4-million dollars for pictures of their kid. What in the hell? The world is going crazy.

News topic:

What in the hell has been up with all the stabbings in our area? Someone has gotted "sliced" damn near every day for the last month. Baton Rouge is slowly turning into the club scene near the end of the "Kill Bill: Vol 1". Just crazy.

"Silly Rabbit, tricks are for kids...."

Apparently, Dengle, Socks McDunnah, and the Stephanies (Duhon and Moffet) has been replaced by The Mute.

According to Niccy:

Niccy: "White people can't dance so we're going to play cheesy 80's music at our wedding."

And I didn't even make that one up. That's all Niccy.

Random T.V. quote:

"Ghost Dad is the greatest movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6!"

Security guard bob has been replaced by security guard james, and there's one thing that I learned. No matter who's security guardin', the all complain about hours and hate their road supervisor. I know this because they all open up to me like a poor man's barbara walters. But sadly enough, old S-G Bob is no longer with us. Them man who's had more "blog hits" than Dengle, is no longer with us. So in honor of old S-G Bob, I compiled a list of the "Greatest S-G Bob Moments" from the last year. Here goes nothing.

5. The Riff Raff

4/19/06

Bob: "Were you here last week when he had all that riff-raff?"
Terry: "No."
Bob: "Well, some lady showed up demanding that we put her on air. We asked her to leave but she said she wasn't going anywhere until we put her on the air. So I told her, Ma'am, you're on private property and you have to leave. She refused again, so I told her, you can either leave on your own accord, or I can call the cops and have them carry your ass outta here. So she said, "What's your name". I said, "Bob Jones." And then she asks, "You gotta badge?" I said, "No, but I gotta gu-un!"
Terry: (can't stop laughing)

4. Bathroom Talk

5/3/06

Why is it that people try to talk to you while you're in the bathroom, "doing your business". I was in the bathroom this morning standing in a stall, "doing my business", when Security Bob comes in ...

(Door opens)
TF: (Under his breath) "shit."
SG: "AAAAAAYYYYY"
TF: "Hey Bob."
SG: "How ya doing?"
TF: (can't "go" anymore) "Fine. You?"
SG: "Okay for a Tuesday!"
(Terry walks over and washes hands and notices Bob's peach sitting on the sink.)

3. "Is That Greg?

1/30/06

"Actual morning exchange while Security Guard Bob was standing by Whitney's desk:

SGB: "Is that Greg Meriwhether?"
TF: "No."
SGB: "Well he looks like him."

2. The Vagrant.

4/6/06

SGB: "We got a vagrant living on the premises Terry."
TF: "Really?"
SGB: "Yeah ole' Pallas told us about it Yesterday. She says that someone noticed a cardboard box and a tent set up out by the Heli-pad, and she wanted us to check it out tonight."
TF:"Really?"
SGB: "Yep. So I'm gonna go down there and check it out. Before I go I'm gonna need your cell phone number, just in case. If you hear gun shots call the cops."
TF: "Really?"
(he left and came back at 3:30am)
SGB: "i'm on my way out there. Oh yeah, and if I ain't back by 4, you call the cops."
TF: "okay."

1. The snake incident of 9/28. This got me more emails than anything I ever blogged.

9/28/06

"You know, people might wonder how I work on this shift, working these ungodly hours but it's not that bad. First off, I can't work in the day -- too many people, too many spoons in the pot stirring in too many different directions -- can't do it. Secondly, you never know what you're gonna see at night. Now for the most part, it's pretty dull, but once, just every once in a while, something happens that can't be explained; just crazy, funny, or weird -- sometimes all at the same time. Case in point, this morning around 4am, I was at my desk typing away when (WX) Dave walks in and says, "Hey guys, there's a snake in the weather office." So me and (SG) Bob walked in and sure enough, there he was, a "brown rattler" curled up in the weather office. So Bob took one of the golf clubs that were in there and proceeded to murder the poor reptile while Dave and I snapped pictures with our cell phones. Now to add insult to .... err .... murder, Bob took the snakes body to the back and dropped it down in the cage with the raccoon, who then decided to eat the snake. All of this happened over a five minute span. Now you might still say, "why work that shift" and I'll say, "why not?" You never know what you're gonna see. I got to see a middle aged security guard beat down a baby rattle snake with a "3-wood" at 4 in the morning. You just never know."

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Aren't We All Immigrants?

2006-05-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

*Blog*

Crazy weekend, kinda. Saturday me and the Mrs., excuse me, the Mrs. and I, were at home watching ... well I don't know what the hell we were watching, but anyway we heard the rain, and then heavy wind gusts and I just blew it off. A little while later, my mom called and said, "Terry!", and I said, "What?". "A tornado touched down in the front of the neighborhood!". I was like, "okay." The next day I drove the black beast a few streets over and saw all the people working on a few roofs in the neighborhood. Just crazy and a little scary. And then there was the draft...

If I can steal a line from my good buddy Tanna Ogeron, coming to us live from Savannah, GA., or Orlando, FLA., or some freaking-where-in-Europe, "Dude, I can't wait to buy Madden now. And I can safely say that the speaks for me, as well as every heterosexual male (i doubt that there are homosexual madden tournaments) between the ages of 8 to deceased living along the gulf coast. Seriously, now I'm not a die hard USC, or Reggie Bush fan, but hey, at least they didn't take a tackle. Some people are trying to downplay the Saints taking Reggie, but truth be told, this is probably the franchise's biggest pick since Archie Manning, Willie Roaf, and Ricky Williams (yeah they traded an entire draft for him and it was a bit much, but he was productive for us.). I don't know what they plan to do with Deuce now that Bush is there, or Michael Bennett whom we signed from Minnesota. Who knows, but I'm just glad that the team didn't take a tackle.

Random thought:

Had to ask, shouldn't the "Get Answers" promos feature reporters?

While watching the draft on and off this weekend, every time ESPN's Suzy Colber talked, all I heard was "Broadway" Joe Namath saying, "I wanna kiss you right now."

Okay, there's something in the news, both national and local that's been really "irking" me. This whole immigrants coming into the country and working, starting gangs, working and starting gangs, selling oranges, selling peanuts, shooting porn ... I don't know. Everyone's going crazy. Now about a month ago an immigration bill popped up in Washington and now much to the dismay of contractors everywhere, all the immigrants are going "welga". Yep, that's right. Cab drivers and cheap laborers all over the country will tell us "Lazy Americans" to kiss their collective asses today, by boycotting work, school, and shopping. But why are we so hard on these people coming into our country? They just want the same opportunities we have (although opportunities for them seem to come a lot more frequent). So with that, I ask you this question, "Aren't we living in a country settled and founded by immigrants -- illegal immigrants?" Last time I read my social studies book, I don't remember them saying anything about the pilgrims stopping by the immigration/naturalization office for green cards. Or was that "privileged information" located deep within "The Mayflower Compact"? Did El Conquistador Hernando Cortez have his "papers" in order when he came a lied to the "native" americans, telling them he was god before he made off with their "goods"? What about the "patriots" who fought for "sovereignty from Britain? Immigrants people. They were all illegal immigrants. Yeah, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but when the Indians were showing the Pilgrims how to plant corn, while they were coincidentally making them sick at the same time, they were there illegally. Christopher Columbus? May as well have been Jose Rodriguez the roofer getting paid under the table by "daddy" for services rendered on the weekend. Sometimes I forget, but we really are a country full of hypocrites. Hey damnit, "Los Bloges" is not only entertainment, it's also educational. For the kids.

By the way, since all the Mexicans are on strike today, shouldn't the city of "Gonzales" be closed? And can I reserve my copy of Madden 07'

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

The Path of the Righteous Man...

2006-04-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

*Blog*

Okay, I've been watching this show on "Univision" every morning at 4am, "Primer Impacto" .... for obvious reasons ... and let me tell you this, it's a cross between CNN's "Student News" and "Kid's Incorporated" (highly popular sindicated 80's kid show). Seriously. Speaking of which, does anyone realize that the 80's were three decades ago?

I really don't think it's a coincidence that this place highly resembles a mosileum. And what's so bad is that I don't even have to elaborate on that comment.

Looks like Ole' Willie Nagin has made it into the runoff for New Orleans Mayor against Mitch Landrieu. I drove through N.O. the other day and noticed Ump-Loompas putting up campaign signs everywhere. Also, there's been talks of Nagin putting a Chocolate fountain in front of city hall if he wins. We'll have to wait and see.

Random Observation:

Apparently, Marsh, Andrea, and Sylvia are the only ones "Getting Answers", that is if you go from the "Getting Answers" promos I've seen. But I do have an idea, since no one else, "Get's Answers", I'm gonna change every story in my newscast to a question, so the people working in the evening, can "answer" them. Here's an example:

[Anchor:TODD]
{ Todd }
Is the early voting in new orleans in just two weeks?
Will early voting for the new orleans mayoral race runoff finally begin for evacuvees living here in baton rouge?
[TAKE VO]
{***VO***}
Exactly what does Secretary of State, Al Ater, seen here in this video, think?
What does Ater plan to do different, if anything in the runoff?
Will there be early voting this time around and if so, where can you vote?
Who even won the elections?
[TAKE: ON CAM TAG]
{***ON CAM TAG***}
Well if you want answers to these questions, News Two's Michael Marsh, Andrea Clesi, and Sylvia Weatherspoon will have them for you, as well as answers to the GMAT, GRE, ACT's, and cheat codes to Final Fantasy 10.

(And then they'll come on at five, six, and ten and read the story like normal. It could work. I'll get right on it.)

Todd's been running his "Dangerous Levees" packages this week. Good stuff I guess, but the thing that gets me is how everyone he interviews in his package acts like they're so surprised when they see the conditions of the levees that didn't give. Okay, now I can't be the only one scratching his head at the fact that, didn't they know the levees were "jacked" up already? Why is everyone acting so surprised? Every year since the early 60's, it's been the same song and dance every year, "If a hurricane makes it into the gulf, and hit New Orleans at the right angle, it's going to be a disaster." Every single year, 40 years, the same thing, until it actually happened, and now, everyone's acting as if they had no idea. I'll never understand.

Probably had one of the worst shows I've ever produced this (4/27/06) morning. Didn't look bad on "AIR" but lets just say that this was the first show since I've been producing that I've ever actually been upset afterwards. Everyone wanting me to cram shit in, no one (but weather Dave) listening to time cues, and people not paying attention. It absolutely sucked to the point where I didn't want to talk to anyone after the show. I hate people sometimes.

White elephant in the room:

Well, my good buddy and fellow blogger, Rick Portier no longer works at the Hindenberg ....eh...WBRZ. I've heard several different scenarios that led to Rick's departure, but they all have the same ending and that is, with Rick no longer working here. So out of respect for Rick, I won't go into details of what I've heard here in "Los Bloges". I only want to use this space to wish Mr. Turdpolisher and his family all the best of luck. Thanks for all of your help man and remember when one door closes three doors open -- you'll land on your feet. But before I go, let me leave you with a quote from my all-time favorite film:

"There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."

Take it easy man. Just my .02, take it or leave it.

The Doors of the Church Are Open

2006-04-19T02:25:00.000-07:00

(Tried to post this yesterday (4/18), but every computer I tried to get on told me no. So I tried today...enjoy.)

*Blog*

(Today's Blog is brought to you by "Peeps", now on sale at a Walmart near you, 10 packs for a Dollar)

Well, I hope everyone had a good Easter. Hope you had lots-o-eggs-candy-cakes-and-pies. Mine was okay, except for the fact that the black beast was in the shop the entire time I was off. Just got it back yesterday, and lets just say, payday can't come soon enough. To make a long story short let me just say this, it's not good to start adding "power adders" to your vehicle without upgrading everything around the car -- like for instance, motor mounts. I was told that too much torque sent my motor mounts straight to hell. That was fun. Mechanic even made fun of me. Good times all around eh?

Okay, let me go on record as saying I hate the "Discount Flooring Direct" kids. Seriously. It's nothing personal, except for the fact that the commercial is on more than Michael Marsh. I mean good God. I swear I checked my voicemail yesterday and that little kid at the end left a message on my phone: "Oh yeaaaah...." Damnit.

Random T.V. Commercial:

"To find out if your pacemaker or defibrillator are on the recall list, call attorney Robert Goldwater!" Okay, well, what if it's too late and you're already dead? Can someone else call for you? Can someone find this out? Can someone, you know, "get answers?"

People from Kenya should be banned from all marathons. I honestly don't know why other people even enter.

Actual conversation between me and Security Guard Bob:

Bob: "Were you here last week when he had all that riff-raff?"
Terry: "No."
Bob: "Well, some lady showed up demanding that we put her on air. We asked her to leave but she said she wasn't going anywhere until we put her on the air. So I told her, Ma'am, you're on private property and you have to leave. She refused again, so I told her, you can either leave on your own accord, or I can call the cops and have them carry your ass outta here. So she said, "What's your name". I said, "Bob Jones." And then she asks, "You gotta badge?" I said, "No, but I gotta gu-un!"
Terry: (can't stop laughing)

You see, working overnights aren't so bad.

Random Newsroom Comment:

Todd: "I'm here to tell you that if another hurricane makes it into the gulf, Governor Blanco will activate the entire national guard, and evacuate the entire state."

Hey I have an idea. We could have the little kid from the "Discount Flooring Direct" commercial co-anchor with MM. Ratings? THROUGH THE ROOF!! Marsh can read the stories like normal, but at the end of every block, just before the break, the little kid will go, "Oh yeaaahhh!!!" Make it happen.

Okay, Michael Chertoff looks like "Fire Marshal Bill".

I'm pretty sure I can't be the only one that noticed that the same family who ended up shipwrecked on a desert island while enroute to New Guinea, coincidentally ended up on a farm in the midwest just three years later before eventually shooting their dog , Old Yeller. Just thought I should mention this.

Back to my weekend. Me and the Mrs. were "churchin'" it up for most of the day Sunday and, while we were getting our "pray on", I noticed several things while visiting the the two churches.
Faces: Contrary to what everyone believes, not everyone in church wants to be there. With the exception of a couple of "Holy Rollers" and the old folks, most people were in church because someone dragged them. Now you may say, "hey Terry, how can you prove this theory?" Well, that's easy. The next time you go to service, pay attention to faces; men and children. While sitting at these two church services on Sunday, I saw looks on people's faces that could only be compared to those seen at P.O.W. Camps in those black and white pictures we see on The History Channel. Crazy.

Clothes: Clothes, clothes, clothes. Good God. I've never seen so much fixed hair and "store creases" before in my life. I thought I was in a church full of mannequins. Somtetimes I think the meaning of Easter and Christmas get's lost in between Dillards and Foleys.

Church Members: I don't know what it is, but people who for some reason, stop coming to church, decide to join back on Easter Sunday. Why? I have no earthly idea, but I don't know if it's all the pastors basically telling everyone, "if you're not a member of my church, you're going to hell", doing it or not. Or maybe it's that famous line after the "Morning Message" that makes the "backsliders" join; "The Doors of the church are open", followed by ushers walking to where the people who haven't been seen in church since last Easter Sunday are sitting and start pulling them up to the front. Who knows, but this is the one holiday, where you will actually find a church packed to capacity, and most times a little bit over capacity.

People: Somebody once said that you can find more "sinful" people in a church than you can find on a street corner, and you know what, who ever said that was absolutely right. On any given sunday, you'll find some of the worst people in the community sitting in church, smiling, shaking hands, and kissing babies. And for those who aren't "out there", a great majority of the people in church, knows all their business, and usually talks about it the entire service with the person sitting next to them. I have yet to meet one person who doesn't know something horrible about someone sitting in church every Sunday.

Going to church won't get you to Heaven any quicker than not going will send you to Hell. It's all in the person and their relationship with God. Agree or disagree, just my .02, take it or leave it.

(Peeps on sale, 10 packs for a dollar!)

Let's Catch Some Crocs...

2006-04-11T08:29:00.001-07:00

Things Heard On the Scanners

2:10am
Lady called 9-11 because she says her neighbor is performing "witchcraft" on her. I don't even have a comment.

2:12
Someone ran over a girl's leg at J-I-B -- on Choctaw and Airline. If someone said land-mines went off or Zacarias Moussaoui was selling surface to air missiles in the parking lot of that J-I-B, I wouldn't even bat an eyelash.

*Blog*

If this place was the movie "Titanic", which part of the movie would we be in right now? Would the ship be taking on water while the band plays on, or will Carisma and I be floating down the mississippi laying on top of the big door?

Don't remember if I mentioned this or not in previous editions of "Los Bloges", but I saw the most disturbing commercial I'd ever seen this morning -- an advertisement for "Guys Gone Wild". And what's so crazy is, I'm not even making this up. Now we've all seen the GGW commercials for years, but this new shit features everything in Girls-GW, but only guys. Okay, now excuse me while I go poor bleach in both eyes.

Why is it, that when I'm out in public, people ask me for the strangest things. Now when i say people, I mean, the residency-challenged. But last week, when I made my once-a-weekly drive down to the Highland road Circle K, I got out of the black beast and heard someone call me. Some girl, probably in her late 20's or early 30's, called me to her car. The exchange went like this:

Girl: "Hey boy, come here."
TF: "What?"
(She holds up one of those "Jack Daniels" alcoholic lemonades)
Girl: "Can you buy me another one of these?"
TF: "Ah, all I have is my check card."
(I walk in the store, get my stuff and walk out)
Girl: "Hey, can you buy me one of these? Oh, I asked you already didn't I? (looks at my bags) I thought you didn't have any money?"
TF: "I told you all I had was my check card."
Girl: "Oh, well, give me a dollar."
TF: "No."

Joke Niccy found on the net:

"Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records."

Conversation between Niccy and I:

Niccy: "God, I have the worst stomach ache."
Terry: (in my Ah-nald voice) "It might be a tu-mah."
Niccy: "No, it were those three rubber jelly beans I ate."

Questions for news two's Michael Marsh, who's getting me answers:

1. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
2. Why does the word "lisp" have an "s" and a "p" in it?
3. Do all dogs really go to heaven?

New Fun Game:

While sitting in the control room during 2une In, I had what alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity", or my daily "M-O-C", and I came up with a new game called, "Make The Anchors Stumble". In my nearly five years of producing, I've found that anchors hate pronouncing long words. I mean, I've written a script and I've had anchors do everything from put another word in place, to skip over the particular word all together. So fellow producers, in light of this, I realized the way to get your favorite anchor to read your "make me sound smart" big word, and coincidentally stumble, is to bury it in the middle of a long script. So producers, try this, next time you're in the middle of writing a long script, just randomly throw in these lines:

"....and Christopher's chrysanthemum was persuasively perverted."
"....and the conflicting conclusions were inconclusive."
"....the jell-o pudding pops were pleasingly pleasurable"
"...osteo-preposterous"
"....balloon sinu-plasty."

If you're bored, working at another station because of a hurricane, or it's your last day, go ahead, have some fun. Now I'm not saying that I've tried this or know anyone who has. I'm just throwing out suggestions.

If Paul and Niccy ever decided to have a kid, I swear that kid would come out a cross between "Tweet" on "South Park" and the "Tasmanian Devil". And that wasn't even a joke, that was just an observation.

Random Control Room comments:

"The people on HGTV have more money invested in their yards, than I have in my whole house. "I think I'll ad some new shrubs, let's spend 70-thousand dollars."

"The stars at night, are big and bright, deep in the heart of taxes."

"I think now that I have a more flexible work schedule, I'll go to Pennington and get in one of those programs, earn some extra cash. They got programs that pay you if you're fat or something. Give you some pills to see how you react. Give you some X, see what it does to you."

"That's hard hobbit to break."

"This is payday, nobody has any money."
"But you're in the high paying T.V. industry."

"We really need some rain for the easter weekend. Kids can't have an easter egg hunt because it's so damn hot. They'll go outside and start spontaneously combusting looking for the eggs."

Random Commercial Spot Opening Line that we've been running:

"Can you hear, but you can't understand?"

Well, trappers have finally caught the gator that's been "terrorizing" the LSU lakes. Yeah, they say although it hadn't hurt anyone, it was too big and when they caught it, they have to kill it. Now, coincidentally, out friend was feeling somewhat frisky, and decided to crawl out of the lake, into someone's yard. So wildlife and fisheries called in a trapper and that was that. Now we have about 40 to 50 pounds of tail meat from the 200-plus pound gator, about three leather jackets, and some really nice boots. But who did they call and why didn't we have a camera out there? I could've went something like this:

(throw up: "exclusive only on News Two super and leave it up the whole time)

TR: "Good morning everyone, I'm Todd Ross and we're live at the LSU lakes for this very special edition of 2une In. And for weeks, people living on are around the lakes have reported seeing an alligator. Witness accounts put the reptile from 6 to 20 feet long, and between 250 and 2,000 pounds. So in an effort to trap and destroy the gator, officials with Louisiana Wildlife and Fisheries brought in the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Erwin. Good Morning Steve."
SE: "Mornin' Todd! Got real good Croc-huntin' weather down here in south Louisiana aye?"
TR: "Ah, yeah, I tell my wife that all the time. Now just a couple of questions Steve. First off, you're known throughout as the crocodile hunter, but right now, you're hunting an alligator. Do you think that will cause any problems?"
SE: "I'd say no Todd. As long as I can get close enough to the little bugger to jam my thumb up his butthole, we should be fine."
TR: "Okay, that's good Steve. Now, do you think that the alligators are a problem here in south Louisiana?"
SE: "No, Todd."
TR: "Okay, Steve, so what are you gonna do today."
SE: "Well Todd, we're gonna catch some of these king crocs you got runnin' around down here."
TR: "Great, so let's get started."
SE:"Now what I'm gonna do today is look in all the usual places for that pesky reptile. And when we find him, I'm gonna sneak up on him and jam my thumb up his but-hole -- see can I piss-em off...."
(he starts walking around)
SE: "Wait a minute, what that ova there...."
TR: "Do you see him?"
SE: "No, but i see a very large pile of south Louisiana fire ants! Let come over here and stir em' up, see can I piss em' off a little."
(he grabs a stick and starts poking at the mound, and the ants start coming out."
SE: "Ah, there ya go. Look at that. Just beautiful -- look at the little critters go!"
TR: "Remember folks, this is exclusive, you'll only see this on news two!"
(Steve just takes off running and just dives in the lakes)
SE: "Aye!! There he goes, that goddamn king croc over there! Cry-kee!! Look at the size of em!"
(He wrestles with the alligator a few minutes and then both he and the alligator go under water.)
TR: "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh, both Steve and the gator have went underwater! They are both underwater! Are we getting this? I hope you're seeing this at home! I think he's dead, ladies and gentlemen, the crocodile hunter, Steve Erwin has died, and you saw it here, exclusively on news two!"
(The gator's body floats up and Steve jumps up out of the water)
TR: "Ladies and gentlemen, Steve is alive! He's alive! Contrary to what you heard a few seconds ago, he is in fact, alive and well. Let's go over and see if we can get a word with him.
(Steve walks up out of the water up to Todd holding the mic in his face.)
TR: "Steve, describe to the viewers what just happened."
SE: "Well Todd, people out here by the lakes were afraid to leave their homes because of this little guy. I took matters into my own hands and took him out. It's not all fun and games with the king crocs out there. Sometimes it's a matter of l-ife, and death, and this time I lived, that fella got the death sentence."
(He starts crying and walks off.)
TR: "No doubt, a very emotional day for Steve Erwin, the crocodile hunter. Sometimes he's called upon to save lives. Very emotional. But coming up in the next half hour of 2une In, How would you like to increase the size of your penis and get rid of that embarrassing foot odor at the same time? We'll show you how coming up in the next half of 2une In. Stay tuned."

Or something like that. It could happen. Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Goddamn Loch Ness Monster...

2006-04-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

*Blog*

Good morning people....
I'd like to start today's edition of "Los Bloges" off a little different. Today, I'm gonna start the blog off with a prayer. I even named it -- the News Two Employee prayer. Here goes nothing...

"Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly, far, far away from here......" That's not it, wrong one. Here it goes:

"Dear God, help!!! I promise if you bless me with winning this weekend's lottery jackpot, or selling a screenplay, I will give large amounts of my winnings to the church, the children and the community. I swear on all that is sacred that I will help the homeless, build a youth center, and buy spinning rims for every school bus in East Baton Rouge Parish. Amen."

Just for the record, Niccy Whiteman has the whitest foot I have every seen on a human being. I swear, it looks like she tied a rope around her ankle to cut off the blood flow. Did you get bit by a snake?

PCDI Commercial just came on with this little black lady asking everyone the question, "What would you do with an extra $200,000 a year?" Well, after much pondering and debating, I came up with a list.

1. Monkey
2. A nice hat
3. A nice suit to match my hat (see number 2)
4. Some comfortable white socks
5. A big white couch

Security Guard Bob was very fascinated with the paper shredder this morning. Just thought I should mention that.

Todd Ross told me a very intriguing story of an "Obese" woman at the Walmart in Walker. Well apparently, this woman was in one of those little "hov-around" motorized chairs heading into the store from the parking lot when for some reason it just goes out. And what does this woman do after her motorized chair goes out? She just sits there -- while cars continue backing up behind her eventually, in Todd R's words, shutting down the whole Walmart. So what would you do if someone was blocking the driveway at Walmart? Same thing they did, you'd honk your horn and that's what allegedly went on for 3 to 4 minutes after this lady's chair went out on her. So what did she do? She looked back and threw her hands up as if to say, "What do you want me to do?". So while all of this was going on, Todd began to wonder if the lady was either lazy, or just physically unable to walk. But he didn't have to wonder too long, because this nice obese Walker woman, who'd sat in her broken down "hov-around" in one of the parking lot driveway's at Walmart, essentially shutting the store down, got up out of her chair, and pushed it into the store. So you're probably wondering what the moral of this story is? Well, it's simple, people in Walker are assholes.....

Some Serious Thoughts Hurricane Evacuees:

*Some* hurricane evacuees are complaining -- again. This time about their latest "Free" service being taken away. Yesterday the one's living at the trailer village up in Baker had their last "free" hot meal. Now I didn't know this, but since being put up in the trailers, these people have been getting three hot meals -- everyday, for free. Now, please do not take this the wrong way, as my heart does go out to any and everyone affected by the storm, but this is just ridiculous. I'm not talking about everyone, because there are people who are working to better their situation, some of them are old, and some are disabled, but a great majority are sitting on their asses. In two years after the storm, they'll be getting a free place to stay, $2k a month, free utilities, and free meals up until last night. Why in the hell are they complaining? What more do they want? As the saying goes, God only helps those who try to help themselves, and there are plenty of people living in these trailer communities sitting on their asses waiting for handouts when they could be down in N.O. helping to rebuild their city. We see them on TV complaining everyday about not being able to go home, but what are they doing to help speed up the process? I know they weren't prepared for all of this; no one was, but they can't expect it all to be done for them. Don't understand

Apparently, President Bush is in the news again. It looks like his old buddy Scooter Libby told prosecutors that old "Dubya" told him to leak parts of "Highly Classified" intelligence to a reporter to get the heat off himself and his Iraq policy. Well. Has their been one good story coming out of this man's administration over the last few years or the republican party for that matter? I swear, I haven't seen a group this shakey since the 2004 Kansas City Royals pitching staff.

(Toss to break)

***TRADE***TRADE***TRADE****
(sports ticker) "WBRZ and WAFB have ageed to a trade in principle. WBRZ will send Tony Jones and reporters to be named later to WAFB for Greg Meriwhether and cash"

(Back to the blog)

What in the hell happened to Bill Cosby? He's been very pissed off lately and I think it has something to do with the fact the we haven't been seeing any "Jell-ooo Pudding" commercials on T.V. Can someone look into this? Lets get some answers people.

According to experts, the Formosan Termite is the most destructive insect in Louisiana. You could have fooled me. I always thought the mosquito claimed that that title. Last time I check they were giving people West Nile left and right; got fools dropping like hot cakes. I think that report needs to be reevaluated. Michael Marsh, get me some damn answers.

South Park went too far for poor Isaac Hayes, when they made fun of his precious Scientology and it's founder, L. Ron Hubbard. And because of this, we'll no longer have "Chef" on "South Park", at least as we know him, but that's not the thing that bother's me the most. The thing that bother's me the most is the fact that we'll no longer hear from Chef's parents, Thomas and Nellie. So in honor of two of the funniest characters ever on the show (other than the Shitty-Wok guy), here you go:

Thomas: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
Stan: No, that's okay.
Thomas: Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water.
Nellie: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!"
Thomas: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes,
Nellie: Oh, it was so scary!
Thomas: -and I yelled. I said, "What do you want from us, monster?!" And the monster bent down and said, "…Uh I need about tree-fitty."
(silence)
Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
Thomas: Three dollars and fifty cents.
Nellie: Tree-fitty.
Stan: He wanted money?
Thomas: That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
Nellie: I gave him a dollar.
Thomas: She gave him a dollar.
Nellie: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Thomas: Well of course he's not gonna go away, Nellie! You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more

Just my Tree Fitty, take it or leave it.

That's My Momma

2006-04-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

*Blog*

Glad to see everyone enjoyed yesterday's Newsroom 2006 Draft. I wrote the first half of that about 2 months ago and was going through my computer yesterday and ran across it and decided to finish it. Got some good feedback and that's always good.

Okay, so I was sitting at my desk around 2 this morning when old Security Guard Bob walks in and we had this exchange:

SGB: "We got a vagrant living on the premises Terry."
TF: "Really?"
SGB: "Yeah ole' Pallas told us about it Yesterday. She says that someone noticed a cardboard box and a tent set up out by the Heli-pad, and she wanted us to check it out tonight."
TF:"Really?"
SGB: "Yep. So I'm gonna go down there and check it out. Before I go I'm gonna need your cell phone number, just in case. If you hear gun shots call the cops."
TF: "Really?"
(he left and came back at 3:30am)
SGB: "i'm on my way out there. Oh yeah, and if I ain't back by 4, you call the cops."
TF: "Okay."
(comes back about 30 minutes later)
SGB: "I'm back. Wasn't anything down there, just some kids playing around."

Needless to say, Ole' Security Guard Bob didn't have to fire off any warning shots. So I guess you can say all was well.

Random thoughts:

Why is it that it's okay for an attorney general to pose as a 14 year old girl or boy in a chat room, but it's illegal for everyone else? Every story we've ran about internet predators over the last year basically says the same thing, "A man attempting to pick up a 12, 13, 14, 15 year old girl in a chatroom, picked up a Federal Investigator instead". You have to think that some law is being broken somewhere. Or is it just me?

Reverend Bowman apparently didn't like his draft position yesterday. His ass called all night to complain.

I caught the John Brady interview at 6 yesterday -- brought to us live from tape machines X, Y, Z in master control. Two things I really liked:

1. How it looked like they shot it in the Bat Cave.
2. How they had Mike Kennon in as an extra. Mike, buddy I hope you got your 50 bucks.

Walking through Walmart with the Mrs. the other day perusing through DVD's and noticed that season 2 of "That's My Mamma" is out on DVD. And yes, your reaction is probably the same as ours, "That's a real show?". Yes it is. I'm not sure if that's the season featuring the "What's Going Down" episode with Mr. Randy Watson starring as Joe the policeman.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Sexual Chocolate!!!"

It's Official, Katie Couric is leaving the "Today Show" in June. She's headed to the anchor desk where she'll be the first female anchor to solo a major evening newscast. Now, why am I the only one that thinks everyone's making too big a deal out of this? Now I'm not knocking Katie at all, in fact, more power to her, but you'd think she was Veronica Corningstone knocking off Ron Burgundy or something. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

Good to see Lindsey is still keeping up with "Los Bloges". Sup Linds? How's Big D?

Heard through the grapevine that our emails are being monitored -- again. This leads me to ask the question -- Why? Have we found out someone working here has ties to terrorists networks? Did the Balco investigation lead investigators here? I mean seriously, the things we waste our time on will never cease to amaze me. I feel like we're working for the damn K-G-B.

Todd's and I baseball conversations are beginning to get more and more heated by the day. I think something may happen. Now were not at Tito Ortiz and Ken Shamrock proportions just yet, but he can expect a Matthew-esque note from me on his desk very soon.

Thoughts on a News Story:

So I come in the other day and go through my whole routine of searching all the newscasts from the previous day, pathfire, and wires for stories to fill 2une In and ran across a pedestrian struck story in the 10. So I popped it open and started reading it and came across some questionable wording -- okay, let me get to the point, it was a "porno line". See if you can find it.

"A man is in the hospital tonight, after he was hit by a police car. Police tell us 44-year-old albert elmer was hit while he was trying to run across airline highway near prescott. Police say officer david kennedy was northbound on airline... police say he attempted to avoid hitting elmer... about a dozen units raced on scene. Elmer moaned as paramedics got ready to put him on a stretcher. no other word on his injuries. Officer kennedy wasn't injured... no word yet on whether Kennedy will face any charges."

Okay did you find it? If you didn't, here it is: "Elmer moaned as paramedics got ready to put him on the stretcher." Okay, he moaned? And what did he say when they got him loaded up, "It hurt so good?". I know I couldn't have been the only person who caught that line. Oh well.

Apparently News Two's Michael Marsh is still getting me answers. Well Marsh, that information would have been very useful about 8 years ago when my ass was struggling through the ACT. No, I wasn't one of the korean kids consistently banging out 36s. Nope, I was just a regular inner-city youth -- looking for answers. But since you weren't there for me then to help me, "Get Answers", I have some questions right now that you can maybe answer. And here they are:

1. How much longer will the girls be going wild?
1.b.What will they do after they've all calmed down?
1.c. Will they ever calm down?
1.d. What made them so wild in the first place?
2. Why do people in wheel chairs have dirty shoes? (straight to hell I know, but I'm so serious)
3. Why did Fred Sanford have junk inside his house too?
4. If Willie Nagin is mayor of the "Chocolate City", does that make all the people living in N.O. Umpa-loompas?

I was sitting around thinking of ways to increase our station's popularity, and I came up an idea. we should come out with a CD, and when I say we, I mean the whole station. Channel 2 R&B. I'll produce it and have current employees sing the songs. Here are a few titles I came up with.

1. "(Um-bum-pa-pa, Um-bum-pa-pa) Baby, Don't Forget My Super" Feat. Milli Vanilli....well..Milli at least
2. "Just My Animation"
3. "Where is the Bug? (You said you'd build for me?)"
4. "Books Like This I Wish, That Ratings Don't Fall" Feat. The Five Heartbeats
5. "That's the Way, (Uh, huh, Uh, huh) I Timed It"
6. "That's Why I'm Easy Like Sunday Journal" feat. Lionel Richie
7. "Could It Be I'm Fallin' Asleep?"
8. "I'm Sending Him A 4-Page Email"
9. "Looks Like Another Love SOT-VO" Feat. Teddy Pendergrass
10 "Don't Let Your Children Grow Up To Photogs"
11. "What Makes The Bug Go Round" Feat. Al Green
12. "I'm All Timed Out (Over You)" Feat. Lisa Lisa
13. "Produc-tion" Feat. Usher
14. "I'm On The Outside Lookin' In(Of the tournament)" Feat. Eightball and MJG

Just My .02, take it or leave it.

Newsroom Draft

2006-04-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

*Blog*

A few of you have asked me about the name of "Los Bloges" -- "Wellknownsecrets", and well, a well known secret is sometihing that everyone knows about, but nobody talks about. And coincidentally, we have one here at work which is the grand canyon of a gap in the ratings between us and AFB. And to be honest, I'm sure I can speak for everyone else in saying that I don't see the gap closing all at once anytime soon. So while sitting at my desk, I had my daily M-O-C, and came up with an idea, similar to "Madden" when you put it in franchise mode. Why don't we break up the rosters of both stations, put everyone in a pool and have a draft? We can put all of the stations names in one of those little "lottery tumblers" so we can choose the draft order. Now for an event such as this, we'll need three very qualified hosts -- Ernie Johnson, Hubie Brown, and Charles Barkley. So in honor of today's WNBA draft, here goes nothing.....

The News Room Draft

(Roll Open and TNT NBA music)

EJ: "Welcome to the Baton Rouge River Center for the 2006 Newsroom draft. Joining me tonight are my fellow analysts Hubie Brown, and Charles Barkley. So guys, tell us a little about what we can expect tonight."
HB: "Well gentlemen, it's a three station city, but over the last decade, one station in particular, WAFB has ruled the ratings across the board. So in a effort to make things more competitive, the powers that be came up with this idea -- break up the rosters and give every station a fair chance this year."
CB: "Hubie, this is a stupid idea, but TNT's paying me to be here so I'm just gonna make the best of it."
EJ: "Well opinions aside guys, they want to make the media in this city competitive again, and it's time for us to get started. WBRZ got lucky in the lottery, as they have the first pick tonight."
(NBA Commissioner David Stern walks to the podium)
DS: "With the first pick in the 2006 Newsroom Draft, WBRZ selects George Sells...."
EJ: "Well this pick was expected people, but you gotta question WBRZ's motives."
HB: "Yes Ernie. The purpose of this draft as well as any other draft is to build for the future, and this just wasn't a smart decision on BRZ's part. Sure Sells is a proven anchor, hard hitting, always on his game, but he's old and at most they'll probably get 3, maybe 4 more years out of him."
CB: "Ernie, George Sells is 237 years old. "
EJ: "BRZ's GM must have something up his sleeve for this year. But in their defense, he was the best available. Here's the commissioner coming back up to the podium for WVLA's pick."
DS: "With the second pick, in the 2006 Newsroom Draft, WVLA selects Scott Satchfield."
(crowd boos)
EJ: "Wow. This Baton Rouge crowd is not happy with that pick at all. What do you guys think of VLA's strategy?"
CB: "Ernie, and Hubie, I think I speak for everyone when I say that this was just a stupid pick. They must have idiots in charge at that place. You have the second pick in a draft that could immediately put your station on the map and you take a reporter? Just stupid guys."
HB: "Guys let's not chastise WVLA just yet for this pick, Satchfield is young, but this kid has incredible upside..."
CB: "Yeah someone needs to go upside the GM's head for that pick."
EJ: "I apologize to the folks at home, Chuck's a little emotional tonight."
CB: "You damn right..."
EJ: "Let's get back to business. Here comes the commissioner."
DS: "With the third pick, in the 2006 Newsroom Draft, WAFB selects Donna Britt."
CB: "SHAKE AND BAKE E.J.!! SHAKE AND BAKE!!"
EJ: "A very familiar face to WAFB. Britt's known her profuse chair bouncing while anchoring guys, hence the name "shake and bake."
HB: "Now this is a good pick. Britt's proven, and she's got a lot of years ahead of her. She's also a familiar face to WAFB so they won't have to get her acquainted to their philosophy."
EJ: "I agree, very solid pick. Here comes commissioner Stern with BRZ's second pick"
DS: "With the fourth pick in the 1st round of the 2006 Newsroom Draft, WBRZ selects Jeanne Burns."
HB: "Younger, well liked anchor to sit at the desk with Sells guys."
EJ: "But won't that be a little awkward guys?"
CB: "You think? Just a dumb. Who wants to see these two on the set together at the same time?"
EJ: "And her last go-around with that place didn't end too well. We'll have to wait and see. Here comes commissioner Stern"
DS: "With the fifth pick in the 2006 News Room Draft, WVLA selects Todd Ross"
(crowd boos)
CB: "Ernie, the crowd ain't happy with this pick."
HB: "Guys, the crowd needs to calm down and realize WVLA is planning for the future. They should be fine."
EJ: "We'll just have to wait and see how this all pans out. But let's take a quick break, and we'll be back with more from the 2006 Newsroom draft.

*Break*
(draft Update) RD - 1 Pick 1. WBRZ - George Sells ANC *** 2. WVLA - Scott Satchfield RPT *** 3. WAFB - Donna Britt ANC *** 4. WBRZ - Jeanne Burns *** 5. WVLA - Todd Ross ANC/RPT *** 6. WAFB - Paul Gates ANC/RPT *** 7. WBRZ - Avery Davidson RPT *** 8. WVLA - Kellee Hennessy ANC/RPT *** 9. WAFB - Veronica Mosgrove RPT *** RD 2 Pick 1. WBRZ - Pat Shinglelton WX *** 2. WVLA - Julie Baxter ANC/RPT *** 3. WAFB Rev. Bowman AC (annoying caller) *** 4. WBRZ - Andrea Clesi - ANC *** 5. WVLA - Pat Simon ANC *** 6. WAFB - Michael Marsh - ANC *** RD 3 Pick 1. WBRZ - Phil Rainer HLT RPT *** 2. WVLA - Allen Tumey FT RPT *** 3. WAFB - Chelby Kosto RPT/WX/ANC *** 4. WBRZ - Whitney Vann ANC *** 5. WVLA - Chris Stevens WX *** 6.WAFB - Jay Grimes WX *** 7. WBRZ - Sylvia Weatherspoon HLT RPT *** 8. WVLA - John Pastorek ANC/FT RPT *** 9. WAFB - Matt Williams RPT

(Roll Open and TNT NBA music)

(Day 2)
EJ: "Welcome to the second day of the 2006 News room draft. This is the day where the three News Agencies go for those people behind the scenes -- the producers, directors, photographers -- the backbone of a successful newscast. Now these picks won't be televised as all of these positions were filled this morning. Joining me once again are my fellow analysts Chuck and Hubie."
CB: "I'm glad this is the last day"
EJ: "Guys yesterday was anything but boring as all three stations made some questionable picks."
CB: "Questionable? Plaids and Stripes are questionable Ernie, taking Scott Satchfield second in the draft is just stupid. Is anyone in charge at that place. My kid coulda made a better pick than that. Talk about being taken too high. If I were running any of these places he'd still be sitting in the green room!"
HB: "Come guys, let's not come down on anyone about their picks. All three news stations have special needs and those that don't have specific visions and they chose the people who they thought could best help them fulfill their needs."
EJ: "Now another exciting aspect of day two of the draft are all the trades. Reporters for anchors, anchors for reporters, people for equipment; don't be surprised at anything you see happening today.
HB: "But not to be forgotten, there are plenty of people that didn't go on the first day who are still available guys."
EJ: "That's right, we have Diane Deaton, Matt Clough, Marie Santani, Andy Pepper, Cindy Ngyuen, Michael Cauble, Steve Schneider, Jacques Doucet, Claire Hatty, and Greg "Streetbeat" Meriwhether still available...."
CB: "The crappy reporter Ernie? No, he's still waiting just like he should be. His ass is in the green room where he belongs."
EJ: "He wasn't too happy following yesterday's rounds. He could be heard yelling at his agent just before things wrapped up."

***TRADE***TRADE***TRADE***TRADE***

EJ: "Guys I'm getting word of a trade. Yes, it looks like WBRZ and WAFB have agreed to a trade, it looks like Newroom Assistant Claire Cummings will be headed to WAFB for 5 note pads and a case of "Post-it" notes.
CB: "Trade for what you need Ernie, go for what you need..."
HB: "WBRZ was hurtin' for post-it's guys, they'd begun leaving notes for each other on mouse pads. It was terrible."
EJ: "We were speaking earlier about all the people left on the board. Hubie, what are you thoughts?"
HB: "Guys, I don't think that any of these anchors and reporters have anything to worry about, they'll all more than likely get picked up in free agency..."
CB: "Everyone except Feri-whether."

***TRADE***TRADE***TRADE***TRADE***

EJ: "Settle down Charles, we have another trade to let everyone know about. Chuck Bark has been a busy man over at WBRZ this morning guys. I've received word that he's traded his entire group of night-side photographers, a live truck, and Ashley Rodrigue for a new graphics machine."
HB: "I don't know about this trade guys, I hope he knows what he's doing."
CB: "That's it for me. I'm leavin'"

Me too Charles, me too. Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Real Men of Genius

2006-04-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

*Blog*

It's been about two months since my last post, I know, I know, but there's been plenty going on. Well, I wouldn't go as far as to say "plenty", i've been sleepy and hadn't felt like posting. It's as simple of that, but seeing as though I have a lot to say, and Rasha threatened my mother's life, and "kick" with it at 4, I figured it was time to post something.

Apparently 2une In is running "too much" news. Que? I guess "the powers that be" are going to try and incorporate "The Grand Prize Game" into to the show, complete with 10 numbered buckets and some Archway cookies. But if we're gonna do this, lets go all the way with this guys. Let's move Nussbaum to the desk with Todd and Whit, and bring in "Cookie" to do weather. After weather we can have him toss to "Thun-darr", "Captain Caveman", and "Turbo Teen". Let's do away with the 2une In set altogether and put a little platform with a spotlight shining on it and have a monkey with some symbols come out "psssshhhh!!!" us to break. While we're at it, why don't we just stick poor Veronica on permanent "FEMA Trailer" beat. I wonder why I try.

Rasha's Blog:

"What if god was one of us? Does the 4 like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus...."

Actual control room comment from Jared:

"We need an airline hostess coming through the control room pushing a cart"
"Pretzels!! Hot Towels!! Danish?"

In honor of the NCAA tournament, someone at work coined a phrase that I feel should be worked into all of our promos beginning next year:

"MARSH MADNESS!!" "MARSH MADNESS!!" "MARSH MADNESS!!"

But seriously, the Florida Gators brought home a title last night, as if anyone cares. They beat UCLA team into the ground, that beat an LSU team into the ground a few days ago. But to be honest though, the LSU players looked as if they stayed out all night taking in some of that popular INDY night life. Probably hitting up strip clubs until the "wee hours of the morning"

"Hey lil' mama, you know they call me "Big Baby" but I ain't no baby if you know what I mean..."

Anyway, whatever the case, UCLA was just a little quicker and jumped a lot higher, or was just better. We'll see next year. That's if everyone comes back.

Lots of new faces in the news room. It seems like the boss has been hitting up the employee assembly line on the regular lately. I swear, the cast from SNL hasn't changed as much as the faces in that damn news room.

Haven't picked on Ashley R. in a while. What's up Ash? Haven't talked to you in a while. If it weren't for the fact your name is in the "login" box on my computer, the fact that you leave me stories, and all the messages for you on my phone, I wouldn't even know you still worked here.

I went out and picked up a copy of King Kong last week. Was it good? Yeah, it was okay. Was it long? Too damn. Now don't get me wrong, Kong was an extremely well done movie, but someone should have told Peter Jackson, that every just because all three LOTR's were three hours or so, every movie he does, doesn't have to be that long. Kong should have been 1:45, maybe 2hours at the most. I mean, there were parts of that movie that just did not belong and we could have honestly done without. For example, we got to watch Naomi Watts juggle for about five minutes while a very intrigued Kong watched in amazement. Yeah that was a scene we really needed. I swear at one point I thought I saw Smeagol.

I was recently informed that there's been entirely too much "foul language" over the headsets. Damn, that's f*cked up. You know we don't mean nothing by that sh*t. Muthaf*ckas just be playing and sh*t. Bullsh*ttin' to make the time pass. Don't worry, that shit won't happen again. Shit.

Talking in the news room with Weather Dave the other day, and came up with an idea for a song. Here goes nothing....

"Mr. Terry The 2une In Producer"

"Bud Light Presents: Real Men of Genius...."
(Real Men of Genius!!)
"Today we salute you, Mr. Terry The 2une In Producer"
(Mr. Terry the 2une In pro-duca...)
"People wonder how you do it, day in, and day out"
(Bringing viewers news, traffic, and weather!!)
"Without your undying commitment to the show, traffic and weather on the 2's, would hit on the 4's, instead of the 3's"
(We missed the 2's again....ooohhh!!!)
"You tell them to wrap, but instead, the anchors talk for 1 more minute."
(Ignoring time cues!!)
"But like a brave little soldier, you always get 2une In out on time."
(Keep on timin'!!!)
"So master of the control room, you crack open that ice cold Bud Light, because this Bud's for you, because if you don't produce 2une In, the anchors would still be talkin' "
(Is there anybody out there?)

Or something along those lines. Just my .02, take it or leave it....two months later.

The Killer Sushi and a Guy Name Nolan....

2006-02-02T08:17:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

We had the guy on from "Tsunami's" yesterday as our Chef of the Month on 2une In. He did fairly well I'd say. He came on and made some sushi that led me to believe that some people don't eat at home, but that's a blog for another day. But anyway, I never had sushi before, I've been around people eating it, but I never cared to try it. So yesterday, I was like, hey, what the hell, and I asked Dawn W. to bring me a couple of different ones so I could try it to see if I liked it. So she did, and I did, and later it did. Now, I'm sure none of you know that I have a small allergic reaction to "shellfish" -- uncooked shellfish that is. It's crazy, because I can eat them cooked with no problem, but if I touch them (crabs, shrimp, etc.) raw, it's over for me. Anyway, I was to understand that the sushi yesterday contained nothing raw, but to my surprise, some of the crabmeat was a little under-cooked, because halfway home yesterday morning, my throat closed up. Yeap, had an allergic reaction to Tung Po's sushi. And to add insult to injury, the mrs had a hard time getting her inspection sticker yesterday and called me fussing about it. So, while my girlfriend was venting about an updated insurance card, i was seeing spots, drifting across the center line on Harding boulevard and trying to remember the number to Hospice. So with my first sushi experience nearly being my last experience, I think it's safe to say that no one should ever offer me sushi again.

But if my reaction had been worse, I would have had to go to the hospital, and everyone working at "Tha Deuce", knows about our "Skid Row Insurance" plan, and knows that going to the hospital would not be in my best financial interests. Has anyone at this place ever been in the hospital? I know I haven't because something tells me it would be a lot cheaper to die. Just throw dirt on me. Speaking of which....

Some people at work were picking on Carisma the other day for making me watch "Sex and the City", which should be called, "Girl Who Looks Like Foot, Hangs With Slut, Lesbian and Airhead and the City". But to be honest, the show's not that bad, but if I had the option, I'd much rather sit in the mezzanine at the Ford's Theatre on Good Friday and watch "Our American Cousin" or at least the first half of it. And what's so bad is, only like 5 people will actually get the last thing I said.

Something I've noticed. I think we can all agree that Bob Kennon is not a very large man. So why is it that he always refers to himself as "The Desk"?

- "Why wasn't the desk notified?"
- "Make sure you tell the desk."
- "How can everyone know if the desk isn't notified?"

Let's start referring to "The Desk" as "Bob" from now on, and let's stop referring to Patrick as "News Crew". Thanks.

If we act now, we can get Girls Gone Wild "Coed Tryouts" absolutely free. No, seriously.

Okay, Chris Stevens looks like "Elwood Blues". Sue me.

Actual Control room conversation:

Jordan: "That's a stupid word that doesn't mean anything at all."
Tom W: "What word?"
Jordan: "Socialite"
Tom W: "No, that's the second dumbest word. Do you know what the first dumbest word is?"
Jordan: "What?"
Tom W: "Debutante. That word only means something to two people -- Mommie and Daddy"
Terry F: "But Tom, they're introducing their children into society...."
Tom W: "Why don't they just kick them out. What better way is there than that to introduce them to society?"

Now on to a very disturbing story. Yesterday, we had a little lady on talking about an art contest for evacuee children. The children with the best drawings will have their works compiled into a calendar. Good self-esteem builder I'd say. But on the other she mentioned something to Whitney about an inspirational book that she'd written as well. So Todd R. was like, "Hum, how bad could it be?" That is until he randomly picked up the book and turned to this:

Random Passage #1:

"Their spirits were so intertwined. They were each others destiny. It was as though God was giving Nolan his life back - Destiny to love and Chandon's killer - quid pro quo?. Nolan started kissing her forehead and worked his way down to her ankles and back up to her jewels. Destiny moaned with ecstasy. After a few minutes, she told Nolan to stop and change positions. "Nolan, I want to please you also. Let's do 69," said Destiny. The position 69 is when both partners can enjoy oral stimulation together. She lay with her face on his jewels and his mouth on hers. They both screamed in pleasure for the next ten minutes. Nolan then turned Destiny over and kissed her breasts and inserted his ten inches of steel into her hot, juicy vagina, and they they both entered another world of pleasure for thirty minutes of joy."

And not to be outdone....

Random Passage #2:

"After the shower, they drank a glass of champagne. He then carried her to bed. Nolan took her gown off - slow and easy. He was touching her every spot, especially her G-spot. Destiny was sighing and screaming at the same time. Nolan then began to caress her buttocks. He took his robe off and she began to kiss his supple nipples. She moved her hand down into his private are and then began to rub his balls. She worked her right hand up his penis, which was hard as a bullet and at full attention. It was like a symphony. When she came for the third time, she screamed "Daddy, this is so good!"

Basically, 250 pages of porn. Are these the answers you were looking for Chuck? Now, I know that our little thing, is the whole "Getting Answers" deal, but does the public really want to know about Nolan, who just happens to be my hero now, and his...um..."jewels"? When TRoss came in this morning, he was like, "I have something for you to read.", but little did I know, I'd be getting a detailed description of "The Octagon", "James Wesfall", and "Dr. Kenneth Noisewater." Yeah we know she came on to talk about the contest, but in her book she decided to talk about Ole' Nolan coming on something else...

*To read more, please see Todd Ross where he will be charging $9.95 a page.*

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

"Sex and the City" and REDRUM

2006-01-30T08:16:00.000-08:00

Things Heard on the Scanners:

4:06am

Female whispering in the phone, saying that her boyfriend assaulted her and he that he's still there. I wonder did she break into "The Whisper Song" right in the middle...
"Hey Operator, lemme whispa in ya ear...."

*Blog*

Sorry, I know it's been a week, I really don't have any excuses...sue me. Seriously, I've been tired ... Okay, let me stop. I can not tell a lie. I haven't written anything in a week because, plain and simply, I've been depressed. Now many of you are probably saying, "Terry, much like Fat Albert, you don't have problems, you solve problems.", but alas, I do have a problem and I don't know what I'm gonna do. What is that problem you ask? Well, Dengle's gone. The inspiration, the muse, the reason for "Los Bloges" has apparently made a run for the real estate border. Even on days where I didn't write anything about him, his "crazy news room antics" inspired me to try and make the next blog better than the previous one. He unknowingly took all of the attention off Ashley R., so I that I was able to spread it around, and at the same time, avoid a trip to Jamie's office. I don't know what I'm gonna do. But I'd like to wish the little Clark Kent stunt double luck in his new endeavor and also tell him thank you for giving us such classics as the "Unlock the Matrix phone list", the "Post-it Note Accident description", the poor elderly evacuee he called security on, the "I forgot to tell them he called in to work" debacle, and several frustrated photogs. But if he had so much trouble doing newsroom things, how will he fair in the real estate biz? Maybe he'll use the Morpheus approach:

DE: "You have two options. You take the blue pill, you'll wake up inside your 15 x 10ft FEMA trailer and you'll get to bitch about propane for the next two months. But take the red pill, the dream ends and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."

But with all that said, this has been a tough year for material -- we've lost both Dengle and Stephanie Duhon -- the Key Master and the Gate Keeper. Damn. Lets just hope they don't somehow make their way into each other's lives at the same job in the future, or that will be a catastrophe of biblical proportions. Biblical.

We may as well change the name of Louisiana from "Sportsmans Paradise" to "World's Largest Trailer Park". Seriously, does anyone realize how many trailer parks we have here now? Right now they're all worried about anchoring these FEMA trailers down for this year's hurricane season and I don't think they need to worry about hurricane season as much as they need to worry the "Tornado" season this spring and summer. We've all seen the video of what happens when Tornadoes meet trailers and I'm pretty sure I can speak for everyone when I say I'm not excited about the potential for some F5 to blow through here and these things up and start sprinkling them like bacon bits all over Baton Rouge. And on top of that, these things are costing a fortune. Todd R. and I were talking one day last week and he was telling me about an interesting article he read about the costs of running each trailer. Apparently, it costs 3,000 dollars a month to run each trailer. Per month, per trailer. Good God. Is it just me, or was nothing dealing with this storm well thought out? And on top of that, they're cutting off the propane, and the trailer residents are pissed. I wonder what Hank Hill would have to say about this.

HH: "No you can't get a new bicycle because those goddamn FEMA assholes are cuttin' into my business boy."

Actual morning exchange while Security Guard Bob was standing by Whitney's desk:

SGB: "Is that Greg Meriwhether?"
TF: "No."
SGB: "Well he looks like him."

Got the pleasure of watching "Sex and the City" last night with the Mrs. Now with all due respect, I love my girlfriend and I do treasure our quality time, but I've lost at least 10 years off of my life. We can't watch Transformers (I am proud of my collection) or Thundercats, but we can sit around and watch 4 mildly attractive, okay 3 mildly .. okay 2 mildly attractive women (I'm pretty sure the red head's gay, and I agree with The Family Guy in saying that Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a foot.) sit around and drink cosmopolitans cackling about banging some random guy that they met on a subway? But I know she loves the show, and I bought her the entire series for christmas not thinking that I'd have to watch all 96 episodes. But as much as I said I enjoy my QT, if I'm not here in March, and Chuck's hired another blonde -- call the president -- ah Clinton, not Bush.

Cabinet Member: "Mr. President, Terry Fields the 2une In producer is missing."
Bush: "Ah, what's a 2une In? Is that a WMD or sumthin'? Well what country is he from? I need information before I can wage an assault of such stratacastic proportions to take him down."

But for the record, when this is over, I'lll have all of G.I. Joe, the first two seasons of He-man, and the second season of Thundercats, so get your blanket ready sweetheart.

Why is Patrick Perry always referred to as "A Crew". Can't we just say that, "We have Patrick headed over to the scene."? Seriously, does Patrick know that they usually refer to him as a "crew"? This has to stop.

True Story sparked by me discussing our work rat problem with one of my brothers:

Now anyone that knows me well knows about my brothers, and what they do. Well, Trai, the very high-strung, yet dependable one is a diesel mechanic; he builds both train and tug boat engines and makes turbo chargers for the huge diesel engines. Well, in their shop, they have what I can only call a rat problem. In his words the rats look like dogs and have name tags. Now, apparently there was this one huge rat that kept chewing holes through everything and they couldn't catch him, because in his old age he figured out how to "trip" the trap and get the food out without getting caught. So you know they couldn't have this and one thing I've learned is that its never a good idea to get too many mechanics with nothing to do with access to power tools and propane in the same place at the same time. Well, in an effort to catch this rat, one Friday my brother along with the rest of the guys in the shop invented "REDRUM". Now you're probably wondering what in the hell is "REDRUM". Well, "REDRUM" is one the biggest rat traps you can buy (probably like the one on the floor by Sylvia's desk), only they made it better -- they "tack-welded 6 single edged razors to it, put some meat in it and then left for the day. Monday morning, when they came back, there rat problem had been solved.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

B.R. Can't Be This Bad....

2006-01-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

I knew it would only be a matter of time, but it looks like our good buddy Osama has shown back up. Yeap, that's right, Mr. Elusive himself came out of hiding to cut another audio track, that somehow "conveniently" made it's way to Al Jazeera, who later played it for the world. You'd think however, that our so called intelligence would investigate this T.V. station because like I asked one time before -- How are they getting the tapes? Hey guys, just a thought. But I don't know who produced this track though, but U.S. intelligence suspects it could have been Mike Jones...who? Mike Jones. Maybe next time instead of playing it on TV, they'll just send it to the radio station....

DJ Akmed: "Welcome back to the 106.6 -- Tha Desert, where we be dropping hits like bombs. As always, I'm your host, DJ Akmed Nahid. You just heard that new joint from Sand-Doon called "Too Many Bitches On My Camel". Coming up in the next hour you'll here new joints from M.C. Jihad and Candi-har. But right now we got a special track for you by Tha Man -- Osama, from his new CD entitled, "You'll Never Find Me". It's called, "Pimped Out Bunker". Let's have a listen."

(song plays)
"wpoanrpioejn plkdoiwmope wopemop hnpdjkv dfmkamghiprangk bfipaj biuaamnfoiahi bkearpoanofgernl gl;kamsdl;kdka dadgoimgopr arjopai -- die americans, die!!!"

DJ Akmed: "Ah, yeah. Sounds like we've got another hit on our hands people. As always, you can call in to let me know if you want me to "Blow It" or "Blow It Up". But until then here's a track from Nazir Klipz featuring Jay Z called "Get That Sand Off My Shoulda"

It was a very bad night to be out and about in Baton Rouge. Between 2:30am and 2:55am police where working one shooting, one potential shooting and a drive-thru altercation -- Two out of these three incidents were at a Jack In the Box.

- The first one happened right at 2:30am at the J.I.B. on Airline Highway. Now, apparently "Group A", driving a Honda Accord and "Group B", who drove up in a Toyota Tercel got into a "tiff" in the parking lot when someone from "Group B" pulled out a "G" and began "S'ing" at members of "Group A". Members of "Group A" then proceeded to pick up said group member and took him to the hospital where cops tracked them down.

- Around 2:37am, heard a call from the J.I.B. on South Foster and Government, where a woman was harassing people in the drive-thru. Never heard anything else from that one.

- Finally around 2:55 or so, someone called Police from The Waffle House on College drive where someone was threatening to shoot a waitress.

Worst Moment of the Morning:

TODD ROSS SINGING MILLI VANILLI'S "BLAME IT ON THE RAIN" DURING THE WEATHER TOSS AT 6AM. I will now pour 5 year old battery acid down my ears....

Call of the week:

A couple of days ago around 5:30pm, I got a call from Jared H. concerning a recent ... um ... robbery at his home. Now I've heard Jared complain about how bad his neighborhood was but I had no idea. Now, while going outside to move "the white shadow", Mr. Haden accidentally stepped in a "gift" that one of his four legged community members left for him. So before he came in, he left the shoes outside and came to work a short time later. He was gone for three hours and when he came back, someone had stolen his shoes. Someone stole a very old pair of "K-Swiss" covered in dog shit. How bad does your neighborhood have to be for someone to steal shoes covered in dog shit? I'm sorry Jared, buddy I had no idea.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Randy Watson"

2006-01-17T07:16:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

Fema's been going crazy with the trailers since Katrina huh? I think trailers are their answer for everything. "The people are homeless. Let's send em' some trailers." or, "The schools are overcrowded because of all the displaced students, send em' some T-buildings." And just so all of you know, a "T-building" is a glorified trailer. This is not negotiable.

Landlord: "Hey Stu, your rent's due, motherf*cker! Now don't be pulling that falling down the stairs sh*t on me again, you hear! Now you conscious? Shit. Every month, the same damn thang."

Speaking of which, what's up with the idiots that stole the 230-thousand dollars worth of Red Cross disaster cards? Okay, now I say this, I don't condone it, but if you're gonna steal from the system, steal. But don't get greedy. Don't you think in all their infinite wisdom that the U-S government would eventually miss a quarter of a million dollars? And then on top of everything, they spent all the money in like four months? On, and I quote, "clothes, food, electronics, and expensive automobiles." Que? When you buy something like a car, unless you pay cash, they're gonna wanna know where the money is gonna come from. And I don't think you can get cash off of the cards, so you're trying to tell me that these people went to car lots with several "Red Cross" disaster relief cards and bought cars? Now if I'm not mistaken, those cards were like 2 grand or so, so if they went to buy a car they had to take about 10 or 15 cards with them. They didn't think that the people at the car lot would get a little suspicious when two people walked up with 15 Red Cross cards? Why are people so stupid? Now they're in jail.

Reverend Brown: "We have a special guest coming to the stage. You all know him as Joe the policeman, from the "What's Going Down" episode of "That's My Mama", ladies and gentlemen give it up for Jackson Heights own, Mr. Randy Watson!"

Had a crazy weekend. I was sitting at home watching playoff football with the Mrs. and had what can only be described as an asthma attack. Now I do have a history of asthma -- back in the day I had it bad, but it's been so long since I've had it, I didn't remember the whole, not being able to breathe and chest tightness. Not fun. But I couldn't die -- not before I knew the outcome of the Steelers/Colts game and because I have crappy insurance and I still haven't met my deductible.

Now a question for the United States government: "Can wrong information still be referred to as intelligence?" Sometimes I guess "intelligence" isn't always intelligent.

The little Korean lady that works the register at the Chinese restaurant by my house has been hitting on me. And I don't know about the rest of you, but there's nothing crazier than getting hit on in Broken English why you're waiting on your sesame chicken.

Lady: "Hel-ro there. Rong time no see?"
Terry: "Hi, how are you?"
Lady: "Haven't seen you in a while. U-ben workeeng rate?
Terry: "Yes ma'am."
Lady: "Ahhh, I see."

Okay this needs to be said, my anchors toss to break like shot-put throwers in the special olympics. I know that's mean and yeah I may go to hell for that comment, but that was the only way I could explain it.

Jared H. took the liberty this morning of answering the "Tough Questions" that News Two's Michael Marsh and Andrea Clesi are asking. Yes and No. And he didn't even get a promo.

Mayor Nagin apparently had a conversation with Dr. Martin Luther "The King", Jr. yesterday. Actually, Mayor Nagin had several conversations with the voices inside his head yesterday. In one speech, this man gave us, "God wants New Orleans to be a Chocolate city,""God sent the hurricanes there to clean up the city", and "I had an imaginary conversation with Dr. King". Now granted, I agree with the second one, but if I were Mayor, i'd have the sense not to say it while the "red lights" were on. I do believe that everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but when you're a public figure, you can't say things like that, well, why you're in public at least. Just dumb.

Only fitting:

Clarence: "I met Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. one time."
Sweets: "Man, you lyin'. You ain't never met no Martin Luther the King."
Clarence: "Yes I did, I walking down the street and a man jumped up off a bench and hit me in the chest! It was Dr. King! I said, Dr. King why you hit me? And he said, oops, I thought you was somebody else."
Sweets: "Man you ain't never met Dr. Martin Luther the King"
Clarence: "Yes I did!"
Sweets: "You didn't!"
Clarence: "Yes I did!"
Sweets: "No you did not!"

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

As Greedy As A Pig....

2006-01-12T06:10:00.000-08:00

(1/11/06)
Things Heard on the Scanners

2:59am

Man says his wife is crazy and talking to dead people. Let's hope she's getting the answers from these dead people that she didn't get from New's Two's *insert any anchor or reporter name*.

11:26
An oriental male just called 9-11 and said he needed help -- after that they couldn't understand what he was saying. I wish to god i was making this up.

*Blog*

Craziest thing happened to me this morning as I was walking in. Started getting my stuff out of the "black beast" and was walking toward the building, when all of a sudden the bush buy the door started shaking -- a lot, and then I heard a noise like a sea otter getting raped by a polar bear. This went on for a good 10 seconds. I just stood there staring for about 3 minutes wondering if I should walk toward the door or jump in my car. I honestly have no idea what was in the bush, or how many, but I do know this ... Mama didn't raise no dummy -- I went in the other door. Just crazy. Just a typical 2une In shift I guess.

I heard they caught the mouse/rat that's been gallavanting around the station. I think that they think that this is Disney World because I've noticed that they tend to walk around here a little too freely. But in a conversation with someone yesterday, we came to the conclusion that this place is "bass-ackwards". This is the same place that regularly spends money on landscaping, new mugs, and mouse pads, when they have mice making beds in the building. Seriously. This has to be in violation of something. And these aren't cute little "lab rats", these bastards are 2 pound, furry brown, Katrina rats from N.O., but since they're living here they're officially displaced FEMA rats. I think I saw one the other day using one of those little plastic card keys that Jamie handed out. This has to be in violation of child labor laws or at the very least, my work release.

Random movie quote:

"Try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family, and have some real problems. Jack-ass!!"

We may soon hear this on AOL: "You've got STD's!!"

There's a new website on the net that emails people and alerts them if they've been "seeing" someone who has an STD. Honestly, who wants to be told that their partner isn't clean by way of an anonymous email?

"Dear Mr. Johnson,

The purpose of this email is to inform you that someone you've recently dated has tested positive for HIV.

Thanks,

Webmaster

This is an electronically generated message. Please do not respond. If you'd like to be taken off this mailing list, please follow the directions below."

What in the hell? But to be honest, if you have crabs, I think you'll pretty much know who you got them from -- unless you're just nasty.

Me and Todd will be on the witness stand one day soon. I can't say why, but Todd insists that he'll be badgered by Doug Moreau. I'll keep you posted. But on another note, Ross says that I can apparently go to the Walmart in Walker and garner enough material to write a very entertaining book -- with pictures.

Random conversation:

Todd: "What's the name of our insurance?"
Terry: "Shitty."

Seriously, I'm not trying to beat a dead horse or a live one for that matter, but do we have the worst insurance in the history of modern healthcare? If me and the Mrs decide to get married (and we're still here) and we decide to have a baby, I'll have to get her a damn midwife. I mean, this crap charges you for EVERYTHING and my personal favorite is when you go to the doctors office and hand the receptionist your card when it's time to pay up and she just stares at it, and then picks up the phone. She hangs up the phone, stares at the card a few more seconds and then asks, "Ah, where do you work?" This has happened to me three times.
--------------------------------

(1/12/06 )

I'm so freaking sleepy this morning. I feel like Superman after Lex Luther put that chain around his neck with the kryptonite on it and threw him in that pool. Only thing, I don't think a pretty lady will show up here and save my ass after she gives me a long passionite kiss. And what was up with that anyway? Does she realize that Louis almost died while she was trying to get her freak on with Superman in the pool? What if he couldn't have reversed the Earth's rotation and brought her back after she got sucked into the ground? Why am I the only person who thinks of this stuff? Let's just move on.

Apparently everyone thought my last blog was angry. I'm sorry Paul for calling you a bastard. Bastard.

Got my new radio yesterday and hooked it up in my driveway which took about an hour -- but it'll probably take me a month to figure out how to use it. I'm pretty sure Alpine sent me a computer. The damn thing doesn't even have basic "bass" and "treble" options -- everything just takes you to another advance setting. Just crazy. You can program a "welcome message" that will display every time you turn it on and I already know what my first one will say, "Houston, we have a problem."

Not that I wanna "off" anyone but here's an exchange from one of my favorite movies that's both funny and informative:

Brick Top: Your always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently, the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
Sol: Would someone mind telling me, who are you?
Brick Top: Then when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because there's no good in leaving it in a deep freeze for your mum to discover now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You gotta starve the pigs for a few days then the sight of a chopped up body would look like curry to a pissant. You gotta shave the head of your victim and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggy's digestion. You could do this afterwards of course but you don't wanna go sifting through pig shit now do ya? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to do the job in one sitting so be weary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs two-hundred pounds in about...eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of un-cooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression: "as greedy as a pig."

Why in the hell is everyone so worked up about Sammy Alito? Seriously, I don't know what's the big deal. You'd think he was Robert Wooley or something.

Okay, it's official, my anchors have stopped listening to me. I feel like a coach that's been coaching the same group of players for too long to the point where they just stop responding. If I were Phil Jackson, I'd put all three in the corner and force them to read Zen books. Or I can just quit and write one myself, "The Last 2une In: 3 Anchors In Search of Their Souls"

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Anakin Was Pushed

2006-01-09T07:41:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

You know, reporters are real assholes. I'm watching this story on ESPN right now (1:42am) about a quadra-plegic who was hurt during a college hockey game. Okay, now he gives inspirational speeches and things and if they were doing the story on that, I'd say great, but during the interview the damn asshole reporter asked this kid, "So Travis, who wants to see you walk again the most?" What? How in the hell could you ask him something like that? And on top of this, they asked his father, "So, is he making any progress?" What in the hell do you think dumbass? The kid as a chair permanently attached to his ass and you come to his home after he was nice enough to agree to an interview with your ass and ask him some shit like that? Why am I the only one bothered by this? Damnit.

So, Paul asked my girlfriend the other day, "If Terry likes to barbecue so much, why does he like McRibbs?" Well it's like this, who in the hell do you know wants to light a fire to cook their food everyday before they eat? What in the hell do I look like a freaking caveman? Leif Erickson? John Paul Jones? Davey Crockett? Ringo Starr? I'm pretty sure you like drinking coffee but I don't see your ass driving that damn 4-Runner through the hills of Colombia getting it fresh and mountain grown from Juan's ass every time you want a cup. Bastard.

Why is Claire Cummings allowed to walk around society unsupervised? I'm serious. Now Claire, I thought your little "episodes" were cute at first, and I'm sure everyone agrees with me in saying that you're a helluva better alternative to the last newsroom squire, but honestly, you're starting to scare me. Does your fiance' sleep with one eye open? You probably think it's cute when he locks the door behind him after he goes in a room don't you? Do you have to find your cat just to feed it? These are questions I want answered by News Two's Michael Marsh. A blog is more than one line okay? A monkey can write, "Terry sucks, have a nice day everyone." and call it a blog. Good God. And for your information, I do watch all those shows I listed in my questions last week. I don't need you questioning my television viewing habits -- you're probably the only person in North America that took that serious. Maybe you should try watching a show on TLC I saw being advertised over the weekend called "Mind Studies: Psycho Ass Newsroom Assistants". Let's all put together and get Claire "Barbie Doll" Pez dispenser filled with Ritalin. That's should slow her down before she hurts herself.

But really, people just need to leave me alone. I haven't been this upset since Amidala kept toying with an obviously sexually frustrated Anakin Skywalker through the entire two and a half hours of Episode II, which I believe was one of the things that pretty much sent him over the top in the end. I know you might say to yourself, "Well Terry, didn't they eventually get married?" Well, yes, but little Annie's tolerance for bullshit wasn't what it once was by that time -- almost dying in a pod race, being taken from your mother at like 9 or so, only to find her about 10 years later and have her die in your arms, hairs growing in funny places, getting your ass kicked by an 80 year old Christopher Lee and having your hand chopped off by his light saber all before you turn 21 will tend to do do that to a man. Next, Lucas tried to make it look like Anakin was easily manipulated by Palpatine because he thought he'd show him how to save Padme' and if you believe that, then you're just as crazy as Claire. Yeah, he might have wanted to save her, but not for reasons you might think. Anakin wanted to save her because he didn't wanna be stuck taking care of that damn baby. Could you picture him chasing down General Grievous swinging his light saber wearing one of those little baby backpacks? Seriously, can you? I really don't think Yoda ran a Jedi daycare. "Hungry you are? Feed you I will." But with all that I just mentioned, the major slap in the face and a prime example of women using sex to get their way was this bullshit Amidala tried to pull, "Anakin, you're closer to the Chancellor than anyone, please ask him to stop the fighting." What? What kind of shit is that? And then on top of that, she got upset with him after he turned? "Anakin, you're breaking my heart!!" Well you know what b*tch, you started it. I know that kid held a grudge like those two black uncles at a family reunion, but seriously, can you really blame him for turning? 29 years, 6 movies, and $23 billion later, you know what I find the moral of this whole "Star Wars" saga to be? Just leave people the hell alone.

On a happier note, my new car audio stuff should be here in a day or two. This new equipment will replace the stolen equipment taken by the gutless sons-a-b*tches three days before christmas -- and my damn "Paul Wahl: People's Champ" that was in. Bastards. But can you say Carnegie Hall? I'm more excited than Jessie before they realized she was high on caffine pills. "I'm so excited!! I'm so excited!! I'm so ... Scared!!"

Speaking of which, what is A.C. Slater doing with his life right now? Or better yet, what made him get rid of the mullet? "Business in the front, party in the back!!" And white people everywhere are probably wondering how I knew that.

2 screwed up stories:

"A popular priest in thibodaux told his parish he's gay, but celibate. Reverend jim morrison says he has been working on a letter since october to tell 3-hundred members of his congregation and 2-hundred members of the student ministry about his sexuality.
Morrison says he has kept his vows of celibacy and isn't in a romantic or sexual relationship. Church officials say being gay isn't against catholic doctrine if celibate, so Morrison says he doesn't plan to resign."

How can you be gay but not sexually active or "romantically involved"? How do you know if you're into ... you know ... guys, if you've never ... attended a ... you know ... sausage fest? I don't get it.

"A hotel in new orleans evicted 100 katrina families with less than a week's notice. Fema says they didn't know the hotel was giving the boot to people whose bills were paid by the agency. They're sending a community relations team to the hotel to help evacuees find a new place to stay. Fema reminds people that hotel participation is voluntary."

Now how screwed up is this? But I'm wondering how they got the people out of their rooms at the same time. You know they didn't go to the rooms and put them out. They had to lure them out. What did they do, invite them all down for the continental breakfast and when they went back up their cards didn't work? Bastards.

Yeah I know this probably came across a little "attitudinal" in spots, that's because I was because I sleepy damnit.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Letting Go In 2006

2006-01-05T05:35:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

One of my little buddies came back! When I got to work this morning he was waiting at the door. Good times.

There's a half bottle of something called "Odor-Be-Gone" in the bathroom and the "pressurized" toilet was stopped up. Okay, do I even wanna know what went on here last night? We should maybe keep an eye on every guy in the newsroom over the next few days to see if there are any gastro-intestinal problems, because if you have enough shit in you to stop up a pressurized toilet, your intestines cant be in good shape.

I got some good feedback from my "Heaven vs USC" blog the other day and low-and-behold those bastards lost last night and I don't think it was a coincidence either. So to everyone who bet on USC, I say, "I am sorry." And speaking of USC, apparently there were plenty of LSU fans rooting against them last night because these people are still somewhat bitter over that whole "split-national championship" thing. Here's a message to all of you -- GET OVER IT!! Yeah, granted when media folk were talking about USC's previous two national titles, they never mentioned LSU and I say so what? They're talking about 05', not 03'. If they were talking about that season almost three years ago, and didn't mention LSU, then you all would have a legitimate beef. But all I hear nowadays is "We're the real national champions because we won the BCS! USC won the AP award." Who the hell cares? TRoss made a good point the other day in saying that the AP is basically just a bunch of media people picking who they think is the champion, so we shouldn't put much stock into it. Now, this comment would have meant a lot if it had came from someone else, but in hindsight, I realized that a news anchor told me -- with a straight face, "Not to pay attention to the media, because they're full of shit." I think I'll take this into consideration on the next 2une In, as a matter of fact, I should run a crawl alerting our viewers, "Do not listen to any story Todd Ross reads, because he works for the media. For real news, read the paper and if you're still not sure pull a Claire Cummings and Ask Jeeves." LSU did win the National Championship in 03', and so did USC. It's as simple as that. Every morning when I wake up I'm still black, I don't need Lee Corso or Kurt Herbstreet to remind me of my blackness on a daily basis, so why should LSU fans have to be constantly reminded of their championship? 03' wasn't the first split national championship and it won't be the last. When the Tigers last won in 1958 it was a split championship that they shared with Iowa -- where the Tigers were the AP Champion. I don't hear Billy Cannon bitching and moaning, nor do I hear anyone mention Iowa when mentioning that 58' season. Suck it up.

Okay, the whole, "News Two Get's Answers" thing is starting to get a little annoying. Makes us sound like we're putting together "cheat sheets" for the State Exit Exam and the ACT. Okay, since everyone around here "allegedly" has answers, I've got some "tough" questions?

1. Why do cartoon characters wear shirts and no pants? And why when they take their shirt off , they cover their fronts?
2. Why do people believe what the hear on the news, but count their chicken nuggets before they eat them?
3. Why did it take so long for the Autobots to find the"transformation cog"?
4. Why was Scrooge McDuck so damn cheap?
5. Were Marge Simpson's sisters gay or straight?
6. Who is Eric Cartman's father?
7. Why has Veronica stopped keeping me up on the progress of the FEMA trailers?
8. When will McDonalds put the McRibb on the permanent menu?
9. Why do people ask you a question that you just answered? (I'm going to work. Oh you're going to work?)
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And my other pet peeve is this promo:

"News Two's --insert anchor name here--, only on WBRZ."

Where in the hell else would they be, Channel 9? Sometimes I wonder.

Saints fired Haslett the other day and I can't believe I didn't write about it. Now I was probably the most patient person in the state when it came to Haslett, Brooks and the Saints, but after this season, I have officially gave up on them (Haslett and Brooks). Now you're probably wondering why I picked this snakebitten Hurricane Katrina season to give up on them. Well, I didn't. I'm giving up on them because of Madden 06'. No matter what adjustment I made to the team on that damn game, they still sucked and the computer seemed to have a "pick" with Aaron. Throwing to receivers that were seemingly WIDE OPEN, only to have a Safety or Linebacker dive 10 yards across the field, pick it off, and run it back 75 yards was basically a sign from the football gods. I don't know, I've given up so I'll probably find someone with NCAA 06' and import Vince Young to my video Aints. But back to real-life, the Saints now have a coaching vacancy and I feel like I'm just as qualified as anyone to coach an NFL team; 15 years of playing Madden should at least qualify me to be a defensive coordinator, so why not try my luck at head coach? I promise you, I could go 9-7 at the very least with an XBox on the sidelines hitting the "Ask Madden" button. Someone should call Micky Loomis and tell him I'm available whenever they're ready.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

What If Heaven Had A Football Team?

2006-01-03T07:41:00.000-08:00

*Lets everyone say a prayer for morning show director Tom Word and his family. Over the weekend his grandson had to have another heart surgery. So lets keep Tom and his family in our thoughts and prayers. Like they saying goes, you can never have too many people praying for you.*

*Blog*

Actual Call to the newsroom Yesterday:

"Tell Dave that he has a penis over Louisiana."

Okay. Some people have entirely too much time on their hands. Seriously.

Talk about no news, good God. We only had 2une In, and the 10 o'clock news yesterday so I only had one newscast to get stories from for 2une In. Anyone ever tried to fill a 2 hours show by taking stories from one 30 minute show? Sounds impossible? Well it felt like it. Apparently selling commercial spots this week was like trying to sell rice to the chinese to the Sales dept, because all my breaks were a minute shorter to further complicate my day. And on top of all that, my "al qaida news prognosticators" kept trying to highjack my rundown, making the day even more difficult. Oh well, at least we didn't have to show the Simpson's in the place of 2une In.

Rasha's Blog:

"I shot da sher-ruff, but I did not freeze my coke today..."

I haven't talked about Ashley R. in a while in Los Bloges. That's because Ashley has made great strides in her willingness to cooperate and "share" my desk. Let's hope she keeps this up. I'm pulling for ya A-Rod.

There's a show on Spike TV right now with this "physically well-endowed" chick on and they're talking about sex and groupies. Now I'm not calling this woman a groupie or anything, but she does have all the familiar symptoms. Anyway, the host of the show asked her how many guys has she slept with and she thought for a second and then said, "Um, around a thousand." A thousand? Que? Is that even possible? Now you're looking at someone who doesn't put much stock into things like Wilt-the-stilt's claim of sleeping with 25,000 women. I can't see it. I know he was one of those larger than life figures that not only women but men alike gravitated towards, but 25,000? Has anyone ever stopped to think about that number? But then again, nobody knows exactly how Wilt died (and till this day won't say), but he did dry up like a raisin before he died. Now I know we're living in society of double standards, insomuch that while Chamberlain was "praised" for allegedly sleeping with all those women, a woman who would have had the same claim would have been lambasted, but for anyone, man or woman to put themselves out there like that, with everything going around is like playing Russian roulette. I'll never understand people.

Random comment of the morning:

Tom W. : "Todd just moved to Livingston Parish. You give him one year, he'll be making his own crystal meth."

Sad story about the miners trapped up in West Virginia. Seems like it happens every year doesn't it. It's always 4 or 6 and it usually takes a couple of days to get them out. This time there's 13 poor souls trapped right now. Very sad. But since it's West Virginia, I halfway expected to see Chief Moose at the podium during the presser -- you remember, the black police chief from the Serial Sniper Investigation who sounded a lot like Tim Meadows in "The Lady's Man"?

(Ladies Man Voice) Moose: "Yeah, we are efforting the situation with miners as I speak, but the good news this morning is, we have apprehended the people responsible for the 13 sniper shootings in the area a few years back. And following the investigation, we all went back to my houseboat had sex and ate fish sandwiches. Remember, it's not the size of the boat, the motion in the ocean."

People are apparently buying tickets for the Rose Bowl at about 4-grand a pop. 4 thousand dollars to go watch a football game? Who's the quarterback, Jesus? Under no circumstances will I ever pay that much to watch a football game or any sporting event for that matter. People are crazy. But what if Heaven had a football team? Who would pay to see them play and how much would they pay ? Can you put a price on salvation? Now with all this talk going around about USC and all that "Greatest College Football Team of All-Time" stuff floating around, do you think they could beat a team coached by God? Who would you get to call a game of such monumental proportions? Maybe John Madden? Maybe we could dig up Pat Sumrall? I think so.

Pat: "Welcome back to The Revelations Bowl, where we're live from the Coliseum in Rome, Italy. Heaven is leading USC 73 - 3, with a little over 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter. Right now Heaven's trying to protect the lead and ice the game . Before we went to break the trainers were working on Jesus following the hit he took from Judas who came blitzing from the blind side."
John: "I don't think we'll see him again today. He took a pretty nasty hit that knocked the ball loose, but luckily Moses recovered to prevent the turnover."
Pat: "Looks like you're right John. Job, the backup quarterback is warming up over on the sidelines."
John: "Pat, I really like this kid, he's very patient and doesn't get rattled very easy and that'll come in handy facing this USC team."
Pat: "All he has to do is manage these last two minutes and keep the ball away from USC's offense and they'll take home the win. The trainers are coming off the field and it looks like Jesus is walking off under his own power. Looks like he'll be fine."
John: "He'll take a much deserved seat, following the day he's had, going 35-for-37 for 742 yards and 8TDs with no picks."
Pat: "John, Coach God and his coordinators, the Three Wisemen, called an excellent gameplan today, holding USC's Reggie Bush to minus 42 yards rushing and Matt Leinart to a dismal 12-of-50 and 7INT's, all picked off by the safety, Lot. Looks like we're ready to begin."
John: "All they have to do is run the clock out Pat."
Pat: "Job's at QB now, Joshua and Daniel in the backfield, Moses wide out left, Cain right and Abel's in the slot."
John: "They could run any play out of this formation, but Pat I don't see why they just don't run it."
Pat: "Well, I can't speak for you John, but I for one am not going to question God. It's 2nd and 3 on Heaven's 15 yard line."
(cut to the field)
Job: Blue 23 Psalms!! left 15 Proverbs...hut....hut,hut...hut!!!
(Job get's the play off.)
Pat: "Job with the fake handoff to Daniel ... looks for a receiver ... he eye's Abel downfield ... lets it fly ... and Abel takes it in at the 40 and he's still going....
John: "Pat he's got some blocking by Moses ... just look at him take out the defenders...parting the seas for Abel ... 10...5...Touchdown!!"
Pat: "Just a beautiful play, perfect execution ... John ... just look at this blocking by the lineman Cephas, Hagar, and Elijah. Just giving Job all the time in the world..."
John: "And just look at the patience by Job....just waiting all day for Abel to break away from the defender and then hit's him in stride for the 85 yard TD...."
Pat: "Wait a second John ... there's a little skirmish happening over on Heaven's sideline...looks like Cain and Abel..."
John: "You know what Pat...I think that Abel's a little upset over the lack of blocking on his TD by Cain. If we can roll the tape...look at this Pat...Kinda looks like he just quit on the play."
Pat: "There've been rumors all year that Cain is a little upset over God's play calling, feeling like he should get the ball a little more. I sure hope they get this resolved before it escalates."
John: "And Pat, you're right. If these two can't coexist, one of them may have to go."

How much would you pay to see that game?

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

"Cutlass, Monte Carlo's, and Regals Man...."

2005-12-30T08:02:00.000-08:00

Things Heard on the Scanners

1:12am
Man says he can't sleep because the devil's inside of him. But I think it's probably gas.

Actual Scanner Exchange Heard by Rasha last Night:

"Dispatcher: Need you to respond to 6773 Lemonwood across from Greenwood and Woodlawn. A 33 year black male says he's been stabbed.
*Deafening Silence*
Dispatcher: No more units available?
*Deafening Silence*
Dispatcher: Need you to respond to 6773 Lemonwood across from Greenwood and Woodlawn. A 33 year black male says he's been stabbed in the chest and don't think he's gonna make it. Says he knows who stabbed him.
EM-4: "Is that public housing?"
*Silence*
EM-4: "Is that 67 or 76?"
Dispatcher: "67"
EM-4: "Okay. That's not gonna be housing." Unit's en route to Lemonwood.
(About 30 minutes later... )
Police officer to police dispatcher: Please notify EMS, the unit going down Lemonwood, their back door is open. I can see the patient in the rear. It looks like he could fall out."

In the words of Rasha and Public Enemy, "911 is a joke".

*Blog*

Okay, I have a couple of corrections to make from yesterday's blog. Mr. Manship's assistant's name is John Guidry, not Guillory. Elasti-Girl had three kids,not two, and Scarlett was banging Snake-Eyes, not the aforementioned Duke. The G.I. Joe information comes from my good buddy John Walton, coming to you live from Syracuse, N.Y.

Actual work email -- just a strange story all around:

"Derrick just returned from the scene. He says, as a precaution, police cuffed the two fishermen (just in case they had any involvement) while they searched the area for the 2 men who a crack head witnessed being lynched in the middle of the Amite River? Work with me people. The fishermen were later uncuffed and released. Derrick has video of this. 9 was there 2. I really can't see anything coming from this other than a lawsuit from the fisherman against EBR Sheriff and the accusing crack head."

Okay, what? I didn't know Tyrone Bigguns was in the area last night. I'm sure he was drinking a "Red Balls" and his crack pipe was still warm. Sucks for the fisherman though (if this doesn't turn out to be a story and they really were fishing.), I mean could you imagine out on the river minding your own business when a crackhead runs up to you with two sheriff's deputies and says he saw you kill two people?

Claire Cummings has finally put her "Anti-Terry" blog on the internet that she's been promising for quite some time now -- http:\\terrysucks.blogspot.com. , but you don't have to click on the link to read it. Here it is.

"Thus begins my attack on Terry! Blog this my friend! and p.s. it's John Guidry not John Guillory"

That's it. That's all she wrote. Now, what's so funny is, that I haven't written anything about CC in about a week and she decided to post a blog about me. What can I say -- I'm flattered? But I'm wondering, what the interview process was now for the "newsroom assistant". Did they leave her in a room for two hours to see if she could put all the round and square pegs into the right holes? I don't know, but I think I'll come up with another web blog called http:\\clairecummingsisoffherfreakingmeds.org or something to that nature. I'll get started on that this weekend. And on another note, Claire's cat has a blog as well (seriously) which is called,
http:\\myownerisreallyoffhermeds.org. And I know this will sound a lot like a four year old, but Claire, if I suck, then you don't tie your own shoes and you can't read good. Damnit. And by they way, shouldn't you be pulling your weight?

Apparently, word going around the station is that my girlfriend has me wrapped around her finger, or to put it like a couple of people put it, "she has me hooked". Look people, "hooks" are for fish and Christmas ornaments. If I'm in love with my girlfriend, I just am. Doesn't mean she walks all over me or anything, I just care about her. Is there a law against that? Is everyone so unhappy with who they're with or not with that when they see two people just happy being with each other, one has to be quote/unquote "whipped"? But truth is, I won't officially be wrapped around her finger until I start purchasing vehicles... ;-).

"Cutlass, Monte Carlo's, & Regals, man,

To Surburbans, Expeditions, with the T.V.'s playin...'''

Chris Stevens in his fifth and final day of filling in for Dave "I said Katrina wasn't hitting Louisiana" Nussbaum (he did, someone pull the tape, but in his defense she did turn), and gave his Peach Bowl forecast. But he keeps saying that the temp will be 52 degrees with a slight chance of rain at game time but aren't they playing in the Georgia Dome, where it's always 72 degrees and covered? Should someone have mentioned this to him? Also, something to add to the "Chris Steven's Pantheon" of quotes, which already features such classics such as "Titney Vann" and "I-10 at Mirb (miss. river bridge)", "Today's high will be in the lower upper 70's". Just thought I should mention this.

Not exact, but as much as I can remember -- Sports Guy quote:

"I had a dream that I was in Las Vegas and walked by a Craps table and noticed Aaron Brooks standing there. He was firing the dice between three people."

The Saints last game is this week. Dave D. thinks they should "tank" it to improve their draft position. For what? The Saints had only one good draft that I can remember and that was three years ago. Every draft that I can remember before or since has been a disaster. If they should get a top 3 pick does anyone really think they'll take Bush or Leinart. Granted, they don't need Bush because they have Deuce, but do you really think they'll draft with competence this year? No, they'll take a tackle. Whether ist offensive or defensive, they'll take a tackle, i.e., someone they don't need. Just terrible.

We ran a story on tourism in Baton Rouge and someone in here said that he wasn't aware that we had any tourist attractions here. Well we do, they are the EBR Parish Prison, Earl -K- Long, and the Jack in the Box on Airline Highway and Choctaw. I swear that place is more dangerous than Bosnia. But coincidentally, people who frequent that JIB will usually end up at one of the first two places mentioned -- sometimes both.

"'87 Regals, Impala's, Cherokee's

Expeditions, Benzes, Navigator, Humvee's...

What dawg? Cut dawg, on 17's...

Wood grain, 15 double o...

Me and Rabid on momos, lord, bless his soul.

Now we ridin' up the block, the Caravan....

Expeditions and Surburbans with the T.V.'s playin."

With all the successful Chinese restaurants here in America, me and the mrs were wondering the other day if we could move over there and open up "American Food" restaurants? If we can flock to these buffets that feature sweet and sour chicken, seasame chicken, egg rolls and chicken wings, wouldn't it only be fair if they flocked to my buffet to partake in my Barbecue, fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, potatoes rice and and gravy? It's only right. I think this should be discussed by the Bush administration during next year's G-8 Summit. I'll get right on this.

Tom W.: "This was the best three quarters of 2une In I've ever been a part of. I think after the show I'll consume a case of Ale"

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

The Flux Capaciter and Cartoon Women

2005-12-29T08:27:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

I got my weekly/regular call from Rasha this morning at around 3am because of my inability to produce "daily" blogs nowadays. I promise it will get better. I've just been so tired lately. Don't be mad at me Rasha. But in my defense, I have no news today, so this show will have more packages than UPS.

Can we get an inflatable producer like the "auto-pilot" on the movie, "Airplane"?

Actual news story:

"Police are looking for a brazen gunman that robbed a grocery store in north baton rouge in broad-daylight. It happened at "the piggly wiggly" on Choctaw near North 38th street. Witnesses say a man wearing a ski mask jumped on the store counter... pointed a gun at the clerk and demanded money. They say they were stunned. After taking the money, the robber ran into some nearby woods. Police are reviewing the store surveillance video looking for clues."

Okay, okay, okay. Witnesses were stunned? No shit. And after taking the money, the robber ran into some nearby woods? Alright, now if I read that right, this was the store on Choctaw at North 38th. For those of you who don't know, this is in the damn dead center of the "hood", an area I frequented during my high school days, but I'm wondering, where in the hell are there woods? Did they mean "hood" instead of "woods"? It woulda made more sense to me if they'd said the robber escaped in a Delorean driven by Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox. I wonder did they have any trouble with the "flux-capaciter"?

Staying with shady stories now....

To no one's surprise, the cops in New Orleans say that the shooting of that knife-wielding man on Monday was justified. They say that the officers felt "threatened" when Mr. Hayes allegedly lunged at one of them with the knife. So they fired about nine warning shots in the air that all coincidentally landed in Mr. Hayes stomach and chest area. Now granted, the victim was a Schitzo, but did they really have to shoot him nine times? No they didn't, but they did and they're getting away with it. There are dirty cops, dirty ass cops, f*cking bastards with badges (*cough* BRPD *cough*), and then there's the NOPD.

I found out this morning that John Guidry's last day is today. Now some of you may be wondering who in the hell is JG? Well, he's our bosses close-personal-assistant. Now since I'm pretty sure that this kid makes more money than Kip Holden, does anyone think Chuck would take it personal if I applied for the position? If you're reading Mr. Manship, I was wondering if you would possibly consider me for the position. Think about it, you could have your own personal blog, only you won't have to read it like everyone else, I can sit in my little chair off in the corner of your office and just randomly blurt out incoherent little one liners for 8 hours. How does that sound? Now, I know I look big but I don't take up much space and I don't eat as much as you'd think. Producing has become rather strenuous and looking at how happy I am working for your company, I would like to stay on in a different capacity. So should I send a resume' or just try and catch you before lunch?

Rasha's Blog:

"Fight the power!! We got to fight the power!! Fight the power!!! We got to fight the powers that be!!!"

Realized this morning that Niccy, Lindsey, and I are all going straight to hell in a FEMA trailer. But if Niccy and Paul are married, he has to come too -- because in the eyes of god, they are as "one".

Apparently all you have to do to get some money is request it from the Government. Everyone who's requested money from the government has gotten at least some of it. Now some of you are probably saying, "Hey, I applied for FEMA and didn't get it." I'm not talking about "Applying for FEMA", no, I'm talking about "requesting money from the Federal government" -- just like all the State, City and Parish governments, and countless businesses and organizations. I've seen stories where these people have asked for $10 millon, $20 million, $50 million, etc. And they're not getting all of it, but they're at least getting some of it. So why can't I "request" some?

Government request:

"Yeah um, Congress, yeah, Terry Fields here and I have a request. A tree fell about two miles from my house during Katrina and it hasn't been removed, and over the last four months it's made my drive to work a little unpleasant, so the people in my neighborhood are requesting $15 million dollars for several unforeseen. We'll send the proper forms in triplicate. Thanks."

Hey, it could work.

Random Cartoon Comments:

Everyone seems to forget that Barney and Betty Rubble had an adopted son. Bam-bam. But Bam-bam was much too strong to be for Barney's weak-ass so I came up with this theory. Betty had an affair -- with Captain Caveman. It made sense. Her and BR were having problems so she went to live with her mom for a year, and during this time she had this on-again/off-again fling with CC and end up getting KU'd. So she carried the baby to term, gave it up for adoption, worked out to get her figure back, and called up Barney to reconcile. Five months later Betty wanted a little one, went to the adoption agency, picked out this "strange" child and that was that. But no one will call Betty on this cause she was hot. Yeah I just called a cartoon "chick" hot, and I'm not the only one. So I think it's time to come up with a list of, the "The Finest Cartoon" chicks of all-time. Here you go:

1. Firestar (Spiderman and His Amazing Friends) - Spiderman and Iceman's platonic
;-) female friend that just so happened had the power to shoot fire balls/beams. Now listen, a lot of you probably don't remember her, but this girl almost seemed real. But she was only hot in her "superhero" costume for some reason. The hottest cartoon chick in my humble opinion.

2. Lady Jay (G.I. Joe) - Never showed much, very classy, but shirt was always open down to the "cleavage" button. Carried a bow. Pretty sure she was banging Flint.

3. Betty Rubble (The Flinstones) - Housewife that couldn't cook or clean but was hot so Barney didn't complain. Went to Wilma (who was the COMPLETE opposite) with any and all domestic questions.

4. Baroness (G.I. Joe) - Very evil russian scientist. Always wore black "cat-suit" and carried whatever she could blow the hell out of you with. Definitely banging Destro who in hindsight sounded a lot like Sean Connery.

5. Daphney (Scooby Doo) - Dumb as dishwater but she no doubt holds a soft spot in the hearts of young boys (who are now in their 30s) all over the country.

6. Elasti-Girl (The Incredibles) - Housewife with the power to stretch her body like elastic. Gained weight after three kids but it went to all the right places.

7. Scarlett (G.I. Joe) - Complete opposite of Jay, firery red-head, carried a cross-bow. Probably banging Duke. I know you're probably wondering how I could rank Baroness and Jay higher. Well, Jay was very classy while Baroness had that russian accent.

8. Betty Boop - Latino breasts and a black girl ass, Korean accent(?), need I say more.

9. Helen Bennett (Bionic Six) - Could foresee the dangers in future, make holograms to make enemies confused, or read other person's mind. But could she bake?

10. Cheetara (Thundercats) - Carried a bow, toyed with our lead character Lionel's emotions, was probably banging Panthro, but was hot nonetheless.

11. Jubilee (X-men) - Cute mutant girl with a power that I can't really explain. Always wore a yellow rain coat and sunglasses on her head for some reason.

12. Jem (Jem and the Holograms) - Pink Hair, high skirt, had a rock group. Guys secretly watched this show although I'll be the only one that will openly admit it almost 17 years later.

13. She-ra (She-ra Princess of Power) - Probably should be higher, I know, but she wouldn't give He-man any "ak-rite".

14. Dr. Aki Ross (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within) - Not sure if she was Black, White, or Asian but she had a ghost living inside her chest and wore form fitting clothes throughout the entire movie, and this made her sexy. In fact, I think I'll go home and watch this.

15. Britanny (Alvin and the Chipmunks) - Hey, I know she was a chipmunk, but she was cute none the less. Don't know if her and Alvin ever hooked up or not.

16. The Princess (Captain N The Gamemaster) - Don't remember too much about the show, except that the kid had an "NES" game controller around his waste and could only fire like 6 shots with his gun and the princess was cute.

17. Ms. Demeanor (C.O.P.S) - The name says it all.

18. Gadget (Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers) - I know she was a mouse hanging out with two chipmunks, another mouse, and a fly but hey, let's give credit where credit is due.

19. Jan (Space Ghost) - Never really took her mask off, had a strange relationship with her brother, and hung out with a monkey. But if you're cute, you're just cute.

20. Sonya (Heathcliff) - Yeah I know she was an animated cat but she was cute anyway damnit.

I know I left plenty off, but that's all I could think of on short notice. Hey what can I say, it's early in the morning and your mind wonders at times.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Cooking Segments

2005-12-28T20:35:00.000-08:00

Things Heard on the Scanners

4:50am

Someone says their christmas tree was on fire on Woodruff Ave -- but it's out now. Al-right.

*Blog*

You know, I think the most annoying thing facing us today as not only a country but as a world is not terrorism, or crime, or even the economy. Well what is it Terry? I tell you what it is. It's the assholes in Hollywood who wait until you buy a DVD to come out with a special extended edition a month later. Now if they tell you about it ahead of time, cool, I don't have a problem with that, but don't let my happy ass pay $20 for a dvd today with NO FEATURES today, only to come out with one that has everything in it but free McRibb vouchers in it in less than two weeks that nobody had any idea about. This shit happened to me with Pulp Fiction, Underworld came out, same shit happened, and now, I'm looking at "Cinderella Man" and now I find out that nearly four years after the DVD came out, they're coming out with an all new "Gladiator" with 20 minutes of additional footage. Que? Bastards.

I wonder just how many family members in Baton Rouge and surrounding areas got "Snow Globes" for christmas this year. Just plain wrong.

Odd Story of the Day:

"An alaska airlines jet made an unexpected landing in seattle Tuesday after a foot-long hole developed in the fuselage. The hole caused the plane to lose cabin pressure and forced it into a 26-thousand foot emergency descent. None of the passengers or crew were hurt and the plane landed safely. The plane had just taken off from seattle-tacoma international airport and was en route to Burbank, California. A ramp woker at sea-tac airport acknowledged that he bumped the plane at the gate Monday with a baggage cart or baggage-belt machine and failed to immediately report it."

Okay, what? How can you not "immediately report" running into a plane with your baggage cart? Seriously, how?

Supervisor: "Hey Matthew, did you see anything wrong with the plane when you were loading the baggage?"
Matthew: "No, everything looked fine when I was out there boss."
Supervisor: "You sure?"
Matthew: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Oh ... wait, you know what? I may have hit it with my truck just before it took off. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I did. I'll be at lunch. Talk to you when I get back."

And on top of that, I hope everyone saw the video from it, because the people on that plane were as calm as Hindu cows. If I were on a plane and they'd just discovered a hole in the bottom, i'd be crapping my pants, praying, and calling my mom all at the same time. These people were (while the oxygen masks were dangling like participles) reading books, joking, ordering cokes, and I think watching the in-flight movie. Very strange.

Nothing against Chris, and I know it's early but at times weather in the mornings looks more like "American Idol" tryouts. You can almost hear Simon going, "Are you serious?"

Holly Clegg was on the show this morning. She had some pictures of herself on the "Jumbotron" in NYC. So my question is, was her whole head able to fit on the screen or just the eyes on down? But on another note she made "Chicken Cherry Jubilee", which was served with "Milk of Magnesia".

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Here Comes Trouble

2005-12-26T06:01:00.000-08:00

Seeing as though I haven't been writing these as regular as I once was, i still try to crank out at least three a week. But on friday I got a disturbing phone call from Rasha H. that went something like this about my willingness, or lack-there-of to pump out a quality blog on a more consistent basis.

Terry: (in my cool, sexy phone voice) "hello?"
Carisma: "Hey, Rasha wanna talk to you about something."
Terry: "Okay?"
Rasha: "Terry?"
Terry: "Yeah?"
Rasha: "Look, let me tell you something, **^*%, *&^*&, and furthermore, &*^#@, @$#&^&, #$#%#$, and I don't wanna hear no *&^$%$%, *R&^%, about &*T^*&^.
Carisma: "Hello?"
Terry: "Yeah?"
Carisma: "She just cursed you out."
Terry: "I know. I'm gonna go lie down now."
Carisma: "Alright then."

So in honor of that phone call, this is not a blog exactly, this is more me talking to Rasha, over the the internet. Here goes nothing, or in the words of Arsenio Hall, "Ahhh, let's get busy!"

*Blog*

"It's a lot like climbing up the rope in gym class, kinda makes you feel all funny."

Rasha, this is the only movie line I could find to describe the roller coaster ride that's been my last week and a half. This is my week, as follows:

1. "phantom" speeding ticket from a punk-ass sheriff whose ass will get kicked if I ever see him in person -- off duty. Rasha let me tell you about this shit, this damn security-guard-school-dropout clocked me going 41mph in the 50mile-zone. But this is where it get's good, almost a mile away from a school, this rat-bastard gave me a ticket for speeding in a school zone. Now you've been reading this for a while and you know that I like cops about as much as I'd like to fall head-first from the Sears tower onto a thumb tack, but after that whole thing, I can honestly say that I REALLY hate the cops.

2. Domestic issues -- mind your business.

3. Someone broke into my damn car at the Mall of Louisiana. Now when I told everyone someone broke into my care at the mall, everyone had the same reaction -- "You were at Cortana huh?" No I wasn't. I was at "The Mall of Louisiana" with the rich white folks and apparently, one of them needed a silver and blue Alpine head unit with the motorized face. And Rasha, the crazy thing about it, is, I don't even like driving the car now. It just feels dirty. I've lost interest. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I don't like my car any more, but it's like this, lets say you had this shirt that was your favorite, and then it came up missing, but you found it a year later -- on someones back. You complain, fight, curse, whatever , and they give it back and now you have it back in your closet but you don't wanna wear it anymore because someone else has been wearing it. Just feels dirty. You understand don't you? Yeah I know you do.

3. Your disturbing phone call. I apologize for not writing the blog everyday. It's just that I come in the mornings and I dont't have as much time to do them anymore. I could do it from home but when I'm at home, I'm usually asleep or just don't feel like doing anything, so that's that.

I hope you had a very good Christmas Rasha. And I hope you got everything your heart desired, cause when you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are .... Oh .... sorry, where was I? Anyway, I spent more money this year for christmas than the law allowed. You could've made Dr. Dre and Ice Cube's "Natural Born Killaz" video for less money. But Rash, I guess the thing that got me, much like other people, is knowing that you're getting things for people that you care about, things they really wanted, but never really expected. And you can't put a price on the looks they have on their faces when they get their gifts. Both me and the mrs spent a small fortune on each other and I'd say that we'd both agree that it was all worth. And my mom was extremely happy this year too. You only live once, if you're lucky.

"Terror illistrates my era ..now I cant hang around my momma cause I scare her, I'm quick to blast motherf*cker - yeah what's up? It feels like I'm bustin a nut, when I open you up --cause your body is exposed to the midnight mist, all you weak motherf*ckers give my ring a kiss, cause I'm givin dirt naps, comin with them bomb ass raps to make your lungs collapse -- perhaps, you never sleep, cause evertime you doze, you catch blows to the motherf*ckin nose, ain't seen the sun, in 66 days, let me count the ways in a f*cked up maze.
I never ever ever made a hoe stay, but I'm down with Dre like AC is down with OJ, so f*ck how you livin -- I'm the unforgivin', psycho drivin mur-de-ra.
It's authentic, don't panic, I can't stand it, God Damn it, scizophrenic -- So f*ck Charlie Manson, I'll snatch him out of his truck, hit 'em with a brick and I'm dancin...."

Okay, sorry Rasha, but that "Natural Born Killaz" reference has that song stuck in my head now and makes me want to go out and buy one of the greatest soundtracks of all time -- well actually, go out and buy a CD player first to play it on, and then go out and buy "Murder Was Tha Case". I swear, they just don't make CD's anymore that you can let play straight through. People's definition of a "good" CD nowadays is one where only half the songs suck as opposed to two thirds. Which is what 80% of people go to the net and illegally download -- the old stuff. They're not taking money away from the artist now -- they suck. The people we're robbing are the people that made their millions a long time ago, and who really don't give a rat's ass if we download their stuff or not, because when they were out, music was fantastic and we actually bought their CDs. You think I'm gonna risk getting arrested to download the new "Staind"? Que? No, if I'm gonna get sued, I'm gonna get sued for (in no particular order at all) "Murder Was Tha Case", Anything 2pac before he died, "Lethal Injection" (Ice Cube), Dre and Eminem, any "Outkast" CD before that "Speakerboxx/Love Below" bullshit, "Above Tha Rim", "Diary of a Mad Band", Michael Jackson, Prince, Nirvana (R.I.P. Kurt Cobain), Pearl Jam, Public Enemy, Hall and Oates, George Michael (before we knew he was gay), Lisa Lisa, New Edition, N.W.A, LL Cool J before he got in the fight with Willie Beamon when he weighed 165lbs, Beastie Boys, A Tribe Called Quest, Phil Collins, Jouney, R.E.M., Tears for Fears, Spandu Ballet, Toto, Duran Duran, Whitney Houston before she gave up on life, Mariah Carey, Boyz II Men, Keith Sweat, Stevie Wonder, Kool and the Gang, G.A.P. Band, Morris Day and The (Muthaf*ckin) Time, Brothers Johnson, Aretha Franklin, The Isley Brothers, Gladys Night, Earth, Wind, and Fire, (R.I.P)Marvin Gaye, (R.I.P.) Barry White, (R.I.P.) Otis Redding, Jackson Five, The Commodores, Temptations, Four Tops, Fleetwood Mac, Parliament/Funkadelic, The Stylistics, The Delfonics, Smokey, Isaac Hayes, The Ohio Players, and (R.I.P) Rick James -- bitch.

I know i left out a lot -- forgive me, but my mama "raised" me on music and therefore I take my music very serious. I don't know what this shit is on the radio today. Damnit.

This is my note to Rasha Holmes, take it or leave it.

Never Date Someone In Graphics

2005-12-21T07:35:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

Had to start off with this, as if anyone cares:

"Elton John Ties the Knot With Longtime Partner

WINDSOR, England (Dec. 21) -
Britain's most famous gay couple - Sir Elton John and Canadian filmmaker David Furnish - tied the knot on Wednesday in a star-studded event that capped a week of civil partnership ceremonies in the United Kingdom"

Okay, now to that I ask this question, where were they registered? Pep Boys maybe?

Alright, I'm not in that good of a mood today, so I'm not feeling very creative, so I figured I'd let some of my readers actually "write" this one for me. So today's blog is not a blog at all, but actually emails or comments from people at work. So here goes nothing.

Tom W.

"There should be no homeless people in Baton Rouge. Not with all this FEMA stuff going around. Everyone should have their own hotel room with room service, or a FEMA trailer, equipped with propane provided by Hank Hill."

From Derek McCoy:

"Terry,

So, I'm sitting there watching TV this weekend and I see a commercial which would make perfect fodder for your blog. KFC now has a batch of ads which use "Sweet Home Alabama" as their backdrop. Now, I know I'm no expert in the fried chicken industry, but last time I checked, before the restaurants became KFC, Mickey D's and BK, there were three lesser known dives called Kentucky Fried Chicken, McDonald's and Burger King. So, how come a place called KENTUCKY Fried Chicken is playing "Sweet Home Alabama" as their theme song for their commercials? I mean . . . WTF?!!? Am I the only one perplexed by this? Oh well ..

Derek,
nightside news photog"

From Sana way back on 10/10/05:

"I knew you would appreciate this... There was a chemical leak near Donaldsonville tonight... first Ascension tells me they don't know anything (literally) and then they say they did send someone, then they said they don't know anything about it... ok... so then I call to ask if they knew exactly where it was on the Mississippi so I could send Sellers. This is how the conversation went:

Sana: "Do you know where exactly this leak happened."
AP: "No, ma'am"
Sana: "Do you have a general idea of where it may have happened."
AP: "Umm.. No"
Sana: "Do you think the people you sent out there would know where it was" (Considering they responded to it) This is what she says:
AP: "No, ma'am."

*Lesson of the day: There is such a thing as stupid people.

Have a great day :-) "

From Lindsey on my "Women don't have a plan when they go shopping" argument:

"I hate the mall -- I am a woman and I shop with purpose. Ellen and I went there Sunday, went into 4 stores, bought things at 3 of them, and ate lunch. Only one thing was bought on impulse, a christmas gift for a friend. Three hours and $200 (each)later, we were out of there. So there, I just disproved your theory."

(No sweetheart, you didn't. )

From Rick on my FEMA trail village argument:

"I think we should call them FEMA cities. We could rate them like hurricanes. The largest could be category 5 cities named after storms like Andrew, Katrina, etc. The smaller ones could be cat. 1's named Cindy, or Danny."

From Mike Sellers on my "Tha Photogs" CD:

"Photog love from the producer! I also appreciate the sympathy in your voice when you make those early morning call-outs. "

(No problem Mike. I appreciate your willingness to cooperate.)

Tom and Jared control room conversation from 4/25/05:

Tom: "Hey Jarrett is that crack dealer still living down the street from you?"
Jared: "What?"
Tom: "Yeah, you know em'"
Jared: "Well no, he went to jail, but i'm sure another one replaced him"
Tom: "Oh well that's too bad, because i wanted to know if he could get me a lawnmower really cheap. Didn't he steal yours?"

(Don't know if Tom ever got that mower or not.)

Conversation between Todd and I back on 1/5/05 on LSU and USC splitting the 03' National Championship:

TR: "Well there can only be one, the BSC says it's lsu."
TF: "Well there can only be one anchor on 2une In, so I guess you're the BSC anchor and Whitney's the AP anchor."

From David "Dengle" Engle:

"Hello Everyone,

I mapped out the newsrooms phone numbers to make it easier for me to pinpoint numbers. Distributed copies so in case each of you need it too. You may just want to keep it for the WGNO crew and other newcomers who could use it. If you don't have a copy, I can make a copy for you. Just let me know.

David"

(Now if anyone still has that phone list, they'll know that it does everything but make it easy to pinpoint numbers. I felt like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" trying to figure that thing out. Now in hindsight, I think that's why GNO just disappeared.)

Conversation between Lindsey and I on the "Displaced" people living at the Trailer parks:

TF: Will the displaced, that are misplaced be replaced?
LD: (Laughing hysterically)
TF: We're going to hell aren't we?
LD: Yes we are, but this time you'll definately be driving.

From Claire Cummings:

"Every time I find a piece of mail for you it is always addressed to "Ms. Teiryn Fields" - does this ever bother you?"

(Yes Claire, it does bother me. For some reason or another when people see my name, they automatically think that I'm a girl and to their surprise they usually end up seeing a 6'4" 245lb black man going to sleep in the control room. But with all those emails and snail mail letters I get that says "Ms Teiryn Fields", they still don't bother me as much as this email I got from you last week Claire ... )

"I'm sure many of you already know this but canned cokes are supersaturated solutions of carbon dioxide. When they are frozen the carbon dioxide and other dissolved substances are excluded from the ice that forms. This confines the carbon dioxide to a smaller and smaller volume of "head space" in the can. If the can is not strong enough (most coke cans are not) the carbon dioxide pressure that has built up will rupture the can...please don't put coke cans in the freezer here at work. Merry Christmas!"

(Between this email from Claire, and Dengle's phone list, I feel like I'm studying for the ACT. )

And the #1 reason why you should never date someone at work:

"Don't ask me to build S*** come Monday.

Carisma D. Ramsey
Graphics"

Yeah, I love you too sweetheart.

Just my co-worker's .02, take it or leave it.

The M&Ms and Supersaturated Solutions of CO2

2005-12-19T10:33:00.000-08:00

Things Heard on the Scanners

From Lindsey on 12/16 @ 2:31am

"Woman found a one million dollar bill. Now she and her uncle are fighting over it..."
Where would you go to get change for that? Now, no fast food place or Krispy Kreme will take that because they all sport those, "no bill larger than a $20 bill accepted". Someone needs to look into this.

1:31am

Man walked into his business and found another man that broke in having sex in his office with a female. Glad it was a female he was having sex with, and I guess he got kinda side-tracked during the robbery.

Things of note:

1. The people on the CNN National Desk Christmas card in the window all look insane.
2. The snack machine owes Matthew W. .75 from before refill
3. News control still smells like cat pee.

*Blog*

Okay, seriously, how freaking cold does it have to get before the people around here realize that the grass has stopped growing? In a business where people in charge are notorious for being "cheap", it's obvious that they haven't figured out why their water bill is so high. The grass is brown people -- hasn't grown in about two months, but the sprinklers are still programmed to come on at 1:15am. My question is, what in the hell are they watering? Did Louis Miller tell them to water the grass no matter what it does? Why am I upset by this? Allow me to answer my own question, BECAUSE IT'S DUMB!!! Damnit, I need to be in charge of something before I die.

Trends/Fads that caught on but have never really went away:

1. Mood rings
2. Chia Pets
3. Pokemon trading cards
4. Spray on hair

This is something that everyone should know about. Whitney saw a rat in the newsroom. Now I know that white folks have mice and black people have rats, but if this is half as big as she says it is, I think we'd all have to agree that this sucker classifies as a rat. Now I didn't see it, but she says it's at least five inches long -- without the tail. Shit, they may have been a dog.

Niccy got engaged over the weekend. Thank god. I'm so happy for her. And to Paul I say this ... It's about damn time. I'm glad Niccy wasn't waiting on a kidney. Congratulations you two. Paul, now you don't have to keep an eye on Niccy and all the kitchen knives every time you think about watching TV.

Apparently we can all get rid of our encyclopedia Britanicas and our Encarta CD's because Ellen and Lindsey (this from an unnamed source) apparently know everything. But on an interesting side note, people are apparently lined up to party with Kami like she's giving away cheese. Just thought this was worth writing.

According to the promo, News Two's Michael Marsh get's answers. I think we should make Eminem his co-anchor just so we can hear this promo:

"News Two's M&M's, Michael Marsh, Marshal Mathers, getting you answers at 4, 5, 6, and 10."

But what would the newscast look like? Marsh would show up in his suit like normal, but Eminem would probably have on a white T-shirt and a black ball cap.

Mathers: Welcome to News Two at 10, I'm Marshal Mathers
Marsh: And I'm Michael Marsh, thank you for joining us.
Mathers: In today's news ..a man was shot in the head ... they killed him dead, and took his truck ... cops like -- what the f*ck, tried to go through the woods but dumb asses got stuck. Authorities don't have a mo-tive, but again you already know this, you shoulda already knew, they wanted dude's 22s. Got nothing else to say, I ain't reading shit-else today, so somebody call Dr. Dre' cause doing the news is gay. I been ready to go, Slim Shady came in at two, so f*ck it i'm through, now Michael Marsh back to you.
Marsh: Ah...okay. Thank you Marshal. We'll have more on that police investigation coming up on 2une In.

Chuck, make it happen.

Now for the W-T-F moment of the week -- this is an actual email from Claire Cummings:

"I'm sure many of you already know this but canned cokes are supersaturated solutions of carbon dioxide. When they are frozen the carbon dioxide and other dissolved substances are excluded from the ice that forms. This confines the carbon dioxide to a smaller and smaller volume of "head space" in the can. If the can is not strong enough (most coke cans are not) the carbon dioxide pressure that has built up will rupture the can...please don't put coke cans in the freezer here at work. Merry Christmas!"

Okay -- what? Am I missing something? "Supersaturated solutions of carbon dioxide"? What? Now I can't be the only person in the newsroom who wondered if CC blacked out for some extended period of time on Wednesday. Apparently Claire had what can only be described as some kind of "episode". So I have to ask, did you hit your head or were you on some kind of medication? Do you have any idea when they're coming or do you just fall into these states. Because if you do know, let me know because i have questions on The Big Bang Theory, the Gross Domestic Product of Guam, who should have really won the AL MVP this year, and just how do they get the chocolate around Rasinets. "Supersaturated solutions of carbon dioxide"? "Head Space"? Que? Did you read this before you sent it? No wonder it took so long to fill that position after Janet left. I'm sure Chuck had a hard time finding a newsroom assistant that coincidentally majored in chemistry. Now don't take this the wrong way, I am in no way trying to crack on you, (okay yes I am, but still) but c'mon -- "when they're frozen the carbon dioxide and other dissolved substances are excluded from the ice that forms" -- what? Who just randomly knows this? Did you ask Jeeves? Why am I getting the feeling that the only thing you wrote was -- "please don't put cans in the freezer here at work. Merry Christmas."? Now I have no concrete proof of this, but I'm just saying. But I'll tell you this, if you did come up with that on you're own, you are definately pulling your weight now. But personally, I think you just googled it.

Just my .02, take it or leave it, but whatever you do, don't leave it in the freezer because "supersaturated solutions of literary material" can become unstable in subfreezing temperatures.

Anchors Hear Producers In Wingdings

2005-12-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, lets all remember to say a prayer for Tommy H. and his family as they're currently dealing with the loss of their grandmother. You can never have too many people praying for you.

*Blog*

Some of you may know this already, but then again, some of you probably dont, but R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" series is out on special edition DVD. Now you're probably wondering why I mentioned this. Well, that's because there's a special R. Kelly audio commentary where he's describing, what he describes in the videos. Okay, read that last line again.

The snack machine gremlins have struck again I see and tt looks like young Chelby has fallen prey to the dreaded "Texas Hold Em'" fruit snacks selection in the snack room. You'd wonder why anyone still tries to buy those things. Has anyone EVER actually tasted the fruit snacks? That has to be the most dangerous snack machine selection in the history of processed foods. Seriously. Thank God the "Rasinet" selection is a bit more reliable. ;-)

Random commercial from the 80's:

"Alpine whi-ite....crea-my whi-ite!! Alpine White's the very best, sweet dreams you can't resist. Nestle makes the very best, N-E-S-T-L-E-S, sweet dreams, you ca-a-a-n't, re-sist...."

Yeah I know, now those of you who actually remember that, will be singing it all day, which was what I wanted to begin with.

Lindsey's Blog:

"I swear, if Terry takes off another full week and I have to producer 2une In, someone will die in this newsroom. All jokes aside. Sleep is a luxury I cannot afford to do without. Damnit."

Actual story:

"The local chapter of the red cross got some high-end help to get it's mission done. This 2006 "hummer h-3" will be used to help in the on-going hurricane relief efforts. it's a donation from "hummer" and the "g-m foundation"

Okay, I can't let this go on anymore, look, the whole "Hummer" thing has gone too far. The H2 and all new H3 are not Hummers, only glorified Tahoes. So save your money. I hope the folks at the Red Cross don't try to go off road, or they'll have to call FEMA to pull them out -- a week later.

Dengle's blog:

"Now if North Korea takes over South Korea, their gross domestic product would double. And on a side note, bacon tastes good, and pork chops taste good. Hold on ... what?"

Why can't you get kangaroo at "Outback Steak House"? I'm sure you can get "Fosters" (it's Australian for beer), but you can't get Cajun Fried Marsupial? What about kangaroo gumbo? Kangaroo soup? Isn't this South Louisiana?

Holly Clegg is on the show today. In the words of my favorite "Crank Yankers" character, Special Ed, "Holly Clegg....Yaaay!!!" Now, while thinking about the upcoming interview, I couldn't help but think of a few people who I'd rather have on in Holly's place.

1. Special Ed (of course)
2. Joey Buttafucco
3. The Doctor that fixed Evander Holyfield's ear
4. Louis Miller
5. Louis Miller's bartender
6. Screech (Dustin Diamond)
7. Jengo Fett w/ Tony Jones
8. Jar Jar Binks
9. U-High's head janitor
10. The guy standing by the lamp on R. Kelly's sex tape.

Most Disturbing phenomenon that I just noticed: "The Phantom vibrating that goes on in the pocket where your cell phone is."

I can't be the only one who goes through this. Seriously. Why is it when you put your phone on "vibrate" you feel it vibrating off and on all day and you keep touching your pocket to see if someone's calling? And after a while, people either think you're crazy or a pervert. Someone should look into this.

During an interesting conversation this morning with TRoss, we both agreed that people are starting to ask a little too much from FEMA. I mean, people want FEMA to compensate them for everything -- people who weren't affected by either of this years storms. Business owners, City Departments (fire and police), McDonalds, Burger King, you name it, they want FEMA money. So Todd says he had to sleep on the floor in the conference room during one of the storms and my mouse pad was damaged and my phonebook was stolen, so we would both like to be compensated. Thanks.

TF: "Will I win that $112 million powerball jackpot tonight?
EB: "It is not likely."
TF: "Ashley sold her lunchbox?"
EB: "All signs point to yes."

Todd interviewed Kim Hunter-Reed this morning, one of Gov. Blanco's top aides. So we suggested that he roll up his sleeves, loosen his tie, and take off his suit jacket so he can really look like he's been hard at work during this interview. Hey, Bush thought it would work, so I thought Todd should try it.

Okay, there was a guy scheduled to show up on 2une In this morning dressed like Santa Claus -- only he said he forgot his costume. Alrighty then. Maybe it was being altered for the big day or Blitzen got a stain on it. Who knows. Maybe he's dressing according to where he's delivering toys this year. Lets say for instance if he was delivering toys down Plank Road, near Choctaw, he'd wear a red fur coat with white fur around the neck, his santa hat with a big feather in it, and some red platform shoes with dead gold fish in the soles. I think it's a good idea personally.

After producing for four years (almost five), I've finally figured it out. Anchors hear producers in Wingdings.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

HBO Latino and Chuck's Groove

2005-12-12T06:23:00.000-08:00

Things Heard On The Scanners

2:43
Husband came home, pulled a gun on his wife, and then left. Okay. Well, maybe next time she'll remember to turn off the damn christmas lights, you know, with Entergy going up and everything.

*Blog*

Hello all. I'm back at work today following a week off and all I can say is damnit. Of course I like being off just as much as the other man, but here are a few things that get on my nerves about vacations:

1. People asking me how it was. How do you think it was? A neutron bomb could have exploded in my neighborhood and (if i lived, which I doubt) I still wouldn't have wanted to be at work.

2. The corny greetings. This is probably the one thing I hate the most about returning from vacation. People walking up to me, and going, "Howdy Stranger", "Haven't seen you in a while", "Where've you been?", "Funny seeing you here." Just annoying. You may think it's cute but it's not.

3. My desk. Nothing is ever in it's place when you take more than 3 days off. Now I know how those N.O. store owners must have felt during all of the looting.

Actual story:

"A bizarre incident on a northwest airline flight today. 2-hundred passengers were flying from los angeles to honolulu when a mexican national kept disturbing passengers in first class and even threatened to kill an infant. He then attempted to go to the cockpit... but seven passengers took him down and bound his hands and feet. The suspect is in federal custody."

Okay, what? This man obviously didn't enjoy his chimichangas on the "in-flight" meal or maybe he was upset by the "in-flight" movie, "The Mexican" which starred a very "American" Brad Pitt and Julie Roberts. Something obviously set this man off. Someone should find this out.

I feel like Cornelius in "Fight Club" right now.

"With insomnia, you're never really awake, and you're never really asleep."

The little company that does security for us along with several other businesses in the area have apparently lost the "FEMA" account. They were supposed to be working security at one of the trailer parks but they no longer have the account because of, and I quote, "partying, doing drugs, and wild orgies with the evacuees." Damn. I haven't been this shocked since Jessie took the caffiene pills.

Rasha's Blog:

"The S is for super and the U is for unique, the P is for perfection and you know that we are freaks, the E is for exotic, and the R is for rap, so tell them party people just to stay the hell back. Super-sonic!! Super-sonic!!"

Apparently "The Chronicles of Narnia" is the most "incredibly *insert adjective* blockbuster of 2005." Okay. Call me crazy but I honestly have no idea what this movie is about. Did I completely miss the boat on this?

Speaking of movies, T.V., entertainment, etc., has anyone ever watched HBO Latino? Well, it's regular HBO, showing everything at the exact same time as regular HBO, only every thing's dubbed over in spanish. Now you're probably wondering what's so significant about this. Well, that's because if you ever take out the time to watch it, you'll notice that it's the same person doing all of the voices. Seriously. It's some guy, doing all the lines for every movie; guys, girls, you name, it's him. I promise you, if you watch this half asleep at around 2am, when you get up the next morning you'll think you were apart of one of those programs at Pennington.

Not being one to point out the differences between black and white people .... well, okay, yes I am. But anyway, while watching James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" video on VH1 this morning, I had the daily (what alcoholics refer to as a) M-O-C (moment of clarity) and I came to this conclusion. There's nothing sadder than a foreign white guy crooning over some chick somewhere. I mean, I actually feel sorry for these guys. They actually make me believe that some woman left them.The looks on their faces are just pathetic, to the point where I actually want to start fixing these guys up with other women.

"C'mon man, you gotta get back out there. She ain't coming back. Hey there's a girl -- go over there and offer her a glass of courvoisier and a fish sandwich."

Apparently, Chuck got his "groove on" at Pat's Christmas party. I don't even WANT to know what happened.

Speaking of Christmas parties, I know, I know, I didn't come to either. Why? Because I was on vacation. Why take a vacation, and then come to your work christmas party with all the people from work? Isn't that a lot like being at work? If I had came would I have gotten 4 hours for that? Should I have brought my time sheet with me so Chuck, Claire, or Martin could have approved the overtime? Did everyone else get overtime for this? These are questions I need answered.

The Outbreak Monkey and the Anchor Shock Collar

2005-12-01T05:49:00.000-08:00

Things Heard On the Scanners

4:34am

Unresponsive male on the ground on the 3rd floor parking garage at the Metro Airport. At first bet, I'd say that this poor unsuspecting gentleman showed up only to find his car missing and did that helpless "walkby where you parked it three times" deal before he came to grips with the fact that it was gone.

Blog

My baby's sick guys. She had to go to the hospital the other night to get some "prescribed dope", so she's been sleeping for the last day and a half. One thing, I don't know what's wrong with her. The doctor told her it was one thing the other night, but now we think it may be something else. But you know what? I'm starting to think that when she was at work earlier this week, Paul may have hid that little "Outbreak" monkey in the graphics room. But I don't think it's Ebola because she hasn't started bleeding out of her orifices. I'll keep everyone posted.

Kip Holden came here dressed like Napoleon this morning. Don't really know why ...except that...well...Kip's an idiot. There I said it. I remember having a lack of options during that election so I didn't vote for him or Bobby Simpson during the election last year. It was a clear cut case of, how do you want to wreck the city? Did you want someone who would slowly let the city go to hell in a hand basket or did you want someone to pick the city up and take it there? Well, the voters obviously chose the latter because in less than a year this man has suggested we bring a "Light Rail" train system here, put a loop around the entire city, build several new state highways -- to nowhere and the ku-de-gras? Appointing the "Prince of Soul-Glo" police chief. Remember when he told the people one week that there would be no way to keep hazardous materials from traveling through downtown by-way- of train, only to have a train carrying hazardous materials derail DOWNTOWN, almost a week to-the-day later? Ladies and gentleman, this is our mayor, and he's dressed like Napoleon, another small man who made poor decisions. Now if we can only somehow get Kip exiled to Alba until the next election, we'll be able to save the city.

Okay, I'm sold, diarreha of the mouth, is a real disease, and it's slowly turning into an epidemic or maybe even worse -- a pandemic like the bird flu. Can someone call the CDC please? But there is hope however, because someone came up with a very good idea this morning (i can't and will not say their name, and I cannot take the credit). Shock Collars for anchors. (Now this is all me) Every anchor should be required to where one, with their IFB cable installed "in-line" with it. There will be a control board in the producer's possession which looks a lot like the "talkback" board, with all the anchor positions labeled. Now when the producer begins counting them down he/she will give the order for the guard standing in the studio (probably Bob or Socks) to flip the breaker -- a lot like that guy on "Green Mile" to ... um ... turn on the juice. This will send a 50k volt charge into all collars but this will not shock them -- it'll just "humm" from all the volts shooting through it. Now if at the end of the the countdown, there are still sounds coming out of the anchor's mouths, the producer now has the ability to make smoke come out of the anchor's ears by pressing the button control board labeled "All Anchor Juice". This system will even feature a "single-anchor-shock" mechanism that allows you to send a quick "pick-me-up" to a particular anchor who's getting a little unruly.

TF: "Uh, oh Tom"
TW:" What's wrong?"
TF: " Whitney's trying to go long on me."
TW:" Hit it."
(Terry presses the button labeled, "Anchor Left Juice".)

I swear by the end of the newscast they'll all sound like John Coffee.

Todd: (in that Michael Clarke Duncan voice) "So Terry, what we doin' right here boss?"

This is so ingenious and well thought out, I think I should call the U.S. Patent office this afternoon. We could have the good folks at "Texas Instruments" get started on this as soon as possible. I'll be taking orders following approval from PETA.

Random wire story:

" A San Pedro, California high school football coach has been suspended for one year - for cheating. The act was caught on tape last month when assistant coach Paul Bryan moved the yard marker during a game against Gardena high school. The referees didnt' see him do it - and awarded San Pedro a first down. Bryan's team ended up winning the tame 13-12 - and they went on to clinch a spot in the playoffs. Bryan says his action wasn't planned..and he wishes he could take it all back."

Now, I have to ask this question? It's high school football -- is it that serious? He does know this doesn't he? You think he was under pressure by some "friends of the program"? I would hope so, otherwise, he's an idiot. And this leads me back to probably the best point I've made all year -- "Sense is not common".

Okay, I'm not trying to talk about anyone in particular, but I have to say this. Some of the people in this building have to be among some of the most paranoid in the world? Is it THAT bad working the day shift? Am I that out of touch with things that happen on the day shift?

Employee A: "Spssssst. Hey. Come here."
Employee B: "Yeah."
Employee A: "Hey, what did Chuck want?"
Employee B: "Oh, he didn't want anything. He just wanted to tell me about a live shot tomorrow."
Employee A: "Oh. He didn't say anything about me did he?"
Employee B: "No."
Employee A: "Well you know, can't be too careful. C-Y-A!"
Employee B: "O-kay."

I swear, it's like working in a building full of fugitives.

"Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" came on last night. Now I'm not sure how many years this special has been airing, but I know that it's a family tradition to sit and watch it together, but I never realized how serious my family took it until last night. Now everyone's living all over the place, but everyone still apparently watches it. I know this because everyone I called told me to call them back at 8 o'clock. My older brother even stopped at my grandmother's house to watch it because he was closer to her house than his own. Just crazy, but it gets worse. Three family members in particular actually get upset because over Rudolph's mistreatment; My grandmother, and her two sons, my two uncles.

Now, my grandmother insists that everyone in the north pole is just bad, or in her words just stupid and she complains the whole program about the way the "star" is treated, but my uncles take it a step further. My uncle Glenn, angry black man number one starts cussing out the reindeer who tease Rudolph in the beginning and at the end when everyone needs him, my uncle starts crying. Seriously. But my uncle Mike, angry black man number two, and also angriest black man in America, takes it to the limit. I swear, this man does the same thing every year, he watches the show fine until Rudolph's "black cover" comes off his nose and everybody freaks out at his red nose, which pretty much sets him off for the rest of the show.

Mike: "You see that shit? Look at those muthaf*ckas. I wouldn't help they asses do shit! Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight -- f*ck no. F*ck you, b*tch!! F*ck all ya'll. Rudolph outta tell Santa to kiss his ass, that bitch!"

And you know what? I swear i didn't make any of the last two paragraphs up. This is my family.

Take em' or leave em.

The Iraqi Wookie and An Anchor's Interpretation

2005-11-29T05:54:00.000-08:00

Blog

Okay, Iisten. I feel like I have to say this. There is not a better girlfriend in the world than the one I have. I don't care what your girl did for you and how she did ... um.... "so, and so" or whatever. That doesn't matter. She's not better than mine, there's no way. Last night the Mrs. and I watched the Colts/Steelers MNF game and I had the time of my life. Now you may wonder what's so great about that? Well, I'll say this -- it takes a special person to make watching a MNF game special. It didn't hurt that the game involved the Colts and Steelers either, but anyway, Thank you sweetheart. I'm glad you're with me.

I was sitting here typing stories and had an epiphany. Yes, I have those. Anyway, while typing, watching videos, and talking to Todd I had an idea. We should redo the "2une In" open and theme song and have "Santana" do it. C'mon, who wouldn't wake up to watch a show where we bump out on "Santana" over in the corner playing his "hook" from "Maria, Maria". Okay, probably not too many more people, but still, someone needs to talk to the Manships about bringing him in.

Apparently, Claire Cummings is planning on starting an "Anti-Terry Blog". Well Claire, if you do, I came up with a name for it. You can call it "Harry Potter Gives Me Headaches" while Dengle can start one and call it, "Finding David Dengle". Just some ideas you two can toss around. How was you birthday?

I was looking on Ebay for some "Rock Em', Sock Em' Robots" and ran across this list of things:

- "Jem" Lunch Box
- "Snoopy Sno Cone Machine"
- 2 crappy SEC Championship game tickets
- "Alf: The Complete First Season" on beta
- A thimble
- "Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring"

Tony's Blog:

I cant get any cooperation. None. This place is so frustrating. And why in the hell does everyone keep calling me Greg? This is ridiculous.

"Don't call it a come-back, I been here for years...."

In honor of the return of the Mighty "McRibb". This is like my favorite thing at McDonald's. Seriously, I think I may have started crying when I saw the commercial last night. Now the only person I know that likes them half as much as I do, is Jordan. I told him that we should go get one today -- like a fake-ass "Harold and Kumar", only we're not going to White Castle.

Who would win in a fight between Daniel Larusso vs. Tony LaRussa? Would Daniel-san use the "Crane" on Tony, or would Tony call in 89' McGwire and Conseco, "The Roid Brothers" to do in poor Daniel-san? I'd vote on the latter.

Speaking of the Karate Kid... My favorite sportswriter, Bill Simmons of ESPN.com recently wrote an article about the Karate Kid Trilogy and brought up something that we probably looked over. The fact that Ralph Macchio actually would have had a chance with Elizabeth Shue in high school, in real life. Here's an excerpt:

"Hey, this kid's 5-foot-7, he weighs 100 pounds, he can't defend himself, he has no money and no car, we run in different social circles, his mom has to drive him on dates, and everyone hates him … I think I'm in love!"

Makes sense.

"Bac-ardi, and Co-la!!"

I Noticed that the Judge presiding over the Saddam Hussein trial is named Raad Juhi (prounounced Chewie). Now I'm wondering is his last name Iraqi for "Chewie"? And if it is, does this make him a Wookie? And if so, was Lucas trying to tell us that Wookies are really poorly groomed Iraqis? Is Yoda Afghani? What about Luke and Leia? Palestinian? Hey, their dad (Anakin/Vader) did grow up in the desert. Am I thinking about this too hard? Maybe so.

TF: "Am I thinking about this whole Wookie quandry too much?"
EB: "It is likely."
TF: "Am I crazy and will my girlfriend leave me?"
EB: "All signs point to yes."

Veronica did another story on FEMA trailers yesterday. Why are we forcing this woman to do so many stories on FEMA trailers? I think the only thing we don't know about these trailers by now is their tire pressure. But one thought on the story, why is it that the people in Livingston are bitching about bringing the trailers there? Now we've all driven through that place at least once -- I know at my last job we dubbed it "Land of the Above Ground Swimming Pools" and I can say that the place is in no shortage of trailer parks. What's one more park? Are they pissed because they didn't get first dibbs on them? Maybe so. This can be Veronica's next angle.

Actual Story quote:

"This is the highlight of my evacuation...to have Galatoire's opening up in Baton Rouge. I'm very excited about it...looking forward to it since I left. Glad to see Baton Rouge have some new culture."

I had to type that down just so I see if I heard that man say that Galatoire's opening here in Baton Rouge is the "highlight" of his evacuation.

Recently I've found myself thinking about what could possibly be behind the recent success of the LSU girls basketball team. Well, it's easy. When you play like guys and have a head coach named Pokey, how can you lose? Smells like a recipe for success to me.

Okay, anchors listen about as good as a deaf people in traffic. Which leads me to this list of "producer terms", followed by the "anchor's interpretations".

1. "3, 2,1" - to an anchor, this means, "The producer has no idea what he/she's talking about. I have at least 30 more seconds to talk."

2. "Wrap" - to an anchor, this means "I have time to ask one more question, that will probably yield me an long drawn out answer from this lady on right now talking about the Hosana Baptist Church Bring Your Pet Day." This usually extends an interview by at least one more minute.

3. "Lets Go" - to an anchor, this means, "It's okay to keep talking. If the producer doesn't have time, then he/she should make time for me to talk about my 7 year old's violin recital, which is much more important than all the palestinians dying like hotcakes."

4. "I'm killing *insert page number*" - to an anchor, this means, "That this story is still in, because I still have a script for it." So he/she will keep reading because they feel as though whosever running prompter is inefficient.

5. "We don't have time for this" - to an anchor, this proves that, "The producer is an idiot because my seiko wrist watch keeps time much better than the Network clocks up all over the station, insomuch that ENPS should only be used as a reference and all newscasts should be kept on time using my watch".

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Racially Charged BBQ and Saddam Hussein

2005-11-28T08:31:00.000-08:00

Blog

I didn't get to watch not one crumb of football yesterday. I was very upset about this. Now let me tell you why. That's because I think "The Mrs." woke up yesterday morning and said, "Let me see how I can steal just a little bit of Terry's manhood today -- I know, no football this Sunday. We can watch Soapnet. Yeah!!" And Ironically so, the Saints won on a missed field goal in the fourth quarter -- I missed it, but I do know that all 5 of that little white lady's babies on "Grey's Anatomy" were born before it went off (Which by the way is not some kind of secret. A hospital where most of the employees are sleeping with each other is not new -- I should know, I worked at EKL for three years. I think custodians were sleeping together at that place, seriously.). I think I will now light myself on fire. But on a happier note, I did see an accident involving a Mercedes and a BMW on Florida boulevard. It's not often you get to see over a hundred grand of twisted metal.

Sitting in the newsroom every morning is becoming a bit of a learning experience for me. Now you're probably wondering what have I learned exactly, well, I've learned that those Fema trailer parks are becoming more dangerous than Iraq, Afghanistan, and the Mohican/Prescott crossover. I swear, the police make more routine passes through those places than that block on "Boyz In Tha Hood" where they shot Ricky.

Speaking of which, why in the hell are we calling them trailer villages? "The Shire" was a village. "Santa Poco" was a village. These are some "half-wide" mobile homes on a dusty ass lot, which being in south louisiana, pretty much qualifies them as trailer parks ... ah... FEMA trailer parks.

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I sort of tradition at my house (since 96' and the coals were still hot, more on that in a second) is what I like to call "Jive Turkey" which is my holiday specialty of barbecued turkey on the grill. Now I brought Niccy some and she told me how good it was. Hey, I know it's good, I cooked it, and if it sucked, I never would've brought her a piece. Now, she says she told Paul and Lindsey how good it was and Paul reiterated a point that I brought up a while ago -- Black people can BBQ. Kinda like all babies born in Mexico grow up and speak spanish -- it's just no way around it. It's a fact of life. Now I've been to BBQ's given by both black and white people alike and there are some differences that I feel "moved" to mention -- this is not racist or biased, just from personal experiences. So, lets, dare I say, dive into them....

- For One, a typical barbecue for black people would include porkchops, chicken, hamburgers, steak, baked beans, mac and cheese. A typical barbecue for white people would be fish, shish kabobs (actually had to look up that spelling), brautwurst, corn on the cob and potato chips.

- Now white people have more than enough room on their grills for more meat. I mean I've seen 6 hamburgers on a grill with flames shooting up all over the place. 6 burgers? What in the hell? Now blacks have so much meat on the grill, we usually lose four or five pieces to the ground or that hole behind the rack where each piece meets its death on the coals. However we never find this out until next time we BBQ.

(Now this is one for all people, not just black and white.)

- Most "normal" people cook their BBQ sauce on their meat. While some people, not all of them and there are several blacks guilty of this violation as well -- just grill the meat, bring it in the house and put the sauce on later. What in the holy hell? Now if any of you guilty parties are reading this, that is not BBQ if the meat is not cooked with the sauce on it. If no sauce is involved while the meat is OUTSIDE on the grill, cooking, you are BAKING. Don't try and get off by saying you were simply smoking it, because it's still BAKING. Sorry, this is not negotiable.

(Back to the racially charged profound differences.)

- Now the last and probably most profound difference between a predominantly black BBQs and a predominatly white BBQs is this -- when white people are out of meat, they put the coals out. Black people on the other hand go inside and look for more meat to put on while the coals are still "red". It's just what we do. In the words of my mama, "As long as the coals are still hot, anything in the refrigerator that's raw is going on there, and if you lay in one place too long you're going on there too." Hence the origin of "Jive Turkey". Just thought I should mention this.

Speaking of BBQ --
Actual exchange between my brother and I last week:

Trai: "Man, you see that grill?"
Terry: "Yeah, I thought you coated it with that high temperature paint from the shop?"
Trai: "I did."
Terry: "What happened to it?"
Trai: "Remember when I barbecued a few weeks ago? I used those coals that don't need lighter fluid, so I just threw the match in there and came in the house. About 5 minutes later Aeriel came in and said, Daddy, your coal's hot, and your grill on fire."

I have a question? If Common Law is recognized in the courts of most states, with louisiana not being one of them, can "Common Law" husbands and wives get divorced? Or do they just move out? This is actually a serious question. Can someone find this out? Thanks.

Under no circumstances should they ever let Saddam Hussein out of prison. And you thought "The Count of Monte Cristo" was pissed. If he didn't have WMD's last time, you can bet grandma's pearls that he'll for damn sure have em' this time around. And with his trial going on right now, I can't help but wonder, was he really that bad of a president/dictator? Because if he was that bad and we were really "freeing" the oppressed Iraqis, why have we been fighting these quote/unquote "Opressed Citizens" the whole time? I'll tell you why, because those crazy ass people love that man ... for some reason. They didn't want him gone, but they want us gone. We should just pull our troops out, because they didn't belong there in the first place. And am I the only person who'd never heard the word "Insurgent" before all this came up?

On this day 25 or 26 years ago, an egg was hatched -- today we call what came out Claire Cummings.

Apparently we have an angry little "Greg Meriwhether" clone in our midst with his own agenda. And to this I say don't get upset with us -- we didn't give you that haircut and since you probably signed a contract, you can't change it so I guess that means you're stuck with it. Thanks, management.

Random Movie quote:

"The Coach: I don't give a damn how many concussions he has left. Get Reggie Ray on the field, f*ck dammit! "

Does anyone realize that the majority of this blog was about barbecue?

Actual exchange:

Tom W: "Have you noticed that Brother Larry has almost reached the end of that book?"
Terry F: "Yeah, and he'll start reading from his own book soon."
Dave K: "Yeah, that book he wrote."
Tom W: "It's a pitty I haven't ran into him yet, then he could've met The Word."

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Too Many Blogs, Not Enough Net

2005-11-22T08:02:00.000-08:00

Blog

Last night on "The Speed Channel", they had the host of "Speedvision" driving one of the new Corvette Z06's, and NASCAR's Jeff Gordon was driving another one. My God. Now everyone who knows me, knows how I feel about cars, or more to the point, speed, and I swear, if I ever got my hands on all 427 cubic inches, 505hp, and all 6 gears....
Well, let's just say that whoever rides with me better bring a change of pants. Should I be this excited about a car that costs more than I make in 2 years? Maybe.

Last night was "Pat's Coats For Kids" night at LSU's basketball game. Still no word on when "Todd's Tube Tops for Teens", "Dengle's Dickies for the Displaced", "Rick's Smocks for Tots", or "Martin's Applications for Graphics" is.

Actual 2une In quote:

"The 24 hour crisis hotline is open 24 hours a day."

I swear that my anchors are fighting to bring back that damn "Water Cooler" segment if it's the last thing they do. It's turning into a damn fight between good versus evil in here in the mornings. If Copernicus could convince Galileo and every other scientist at the time that the Earth was not the center of the Solar System, why can't I convince 3 anchors that "The Water Cooler" is bad?

How many players have LSU had on their team named "LaFleur"?

Okay, this warrants mentioning. Everybody has a Blog. Seriously, teachers, cops, homeless people, garden knomes, everybody. I think deaf people are standing on sidewalks "signing" blogs to people walking by. I mentioned this madnesss while talking to Dave in the weather office this morning and we had an idea. So in honor of all the blogs circulating around the net, here are some examples of what I think certain people at work would write.

Todd's Blog:

Today during a commercial break, I walked into the news room to see what channel 9 had and they were running a story that was just stupid. I mean, they were talking about this thing, that happened at some place, that happened one day this week that was just horrible. Just stupid. I think we need to do something on it before 2une In goes off. I'll call Terry.

Mathew's Blog:

If Major League baseball had a salary cap, there's no way the Yankee's could have ever signed A-Rod and Giambi. There's just no way. Seriously, there's no way.

Dave's Blog:

My two co-anchors must think that I enjoy cramming 2 minutes of weather into 45 seconds. When will they realize that once the story's read, it doesn't have to be explained? Traffic and weather on the 2s my ass. Maybe we should change it to Traffic and Weather on the guess when's. I swear one day, I'm gonna go off like Jim Carey on "Bruce Almighty" during weather.

Veronica's Blog:

I did not sign on for this. How many meetings do these assholes think I wanna cover? Nobody cares about the f*cking Pointe Coupee FEMA trailers, the f*cking Tangipahoa FEMA trailers, the f*cking East or West Feliciana FEMA trailers, or the where ever else they want to throw up a trailer. Can't they just use the story I wrote yesterday? A meeting is a meeting. Can I get a day off?

(Seriously, is there a harder working reporter here than Veronica. What's the record on how many packages someone can do in a day. Can someone call guiness and check on this?)

Derek's Blog:

I had to edit a package today on a meeting concerning the fate of the proposed FEMA trailer site in Tangipahoa parish. I wonder will anyone notice if I use meeting video from last weeks meeting?

Carisma's Blog:

Why are people so dumb? I have no patience for stupidity. None. And sometimes I can't stand my boyfriend. (someone walks by as she's typing) Those are some cute shoes!

Sana's Blog:

What the f*ck!?

Niccy's Blog:

F*ck, f*ck, f*ckitty, f*ck!!!

Paul's Blog:

Paul's Blog, stardate, November 22, 2005. Today was a difficult day for me, as I had several pressing issues on my agenda. The 10pm news was again in jeopardy as I received several graphics requests after the 9:30 deadline. The insolescent petulance of my co-workers and their inability to formulate, conceive, and manifest satisfactory graphics requests in a timely manner continues to spawn disgust and utter disdain deep inside my being. Plus, Xbox 360 comes out today, it plays games in HD -- which will no doubt utilize my HDTV, and I want it. But I don't want to have to buy any new games? Decisions, decisions. Damnit.

(Yeah I thought about that one....)

Michael's Blog:

It's great to be all over the place. Every time I turn on the t.v. I'm there. I was recently in Circuit City doing some last minute christmas shopping when I wandered over by the televisions, and Great Caesar's Ghost, it was like looking into a mirror. This is so great.

Chuck's Blog:

While watching the shows today, I thought the graphics looked nice. They're really utilizing the bugs. I think we should have a meeting to talk about what we're going to talk about in the next meeting. I think I'll have everyone meet.

Kevin's Blog:

I'm sitting in my office right now and I can't help but notice how nice it is. It's dark in here, because that's how I like it. The ambiance makes me want to put on my red smoking jacket, put on some "Barry White", and pour myself a glass of courvoisier, kick up my feet and hope no one calls in. Good times baby, good times.

Eddie Munster's Blog:

I have no idea why I'm even writing this. Nobody's reading it. No one whatsoever. I do realize that when I die, I'm gonna wish I had this time back that I've wasting typing this utter nonsense, that people refused to read even after I continued taping it in the window week after week.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

2005-11-21T07:40:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

Me and the Mrs. went to the mall this weekend and I learned one thing that I probably should have known already, but found out this weekend nonetheless -- when women shop they really have no idea what they're going to get. They have no plan. When men go shopping, we have a plan. "Alright, I'm going to Champs, Demo, and Sam Goody." And you know what? Those are the only three stores we're going in. When women go to the mall, they say, "I'm going to the MALL." Now in English, this means that they will leave a finger, hand, and footprint on every inch of the building. I think we went in Taco Bell looking for clearance racks. Good God. Seriously, an early morning trip to the mall to find just one accessory to complete an outfit for a wedding, turned into the deleted scenes from "The Goonies". I mean I felt like Chester Copperpott, only a boulder didn't fall on me and a little Korean kid didn't still my Lou Gherig baseball card and my drivers license. I love you sweetheart, but I think I need to have my feet scraped now.

Staying with the mall now...
It was nice to see News Two's Ashley C. holding down the customer service booth at Cortana, with her good buddy Monique , formerly of News Two (who strangely enough quit a regular part-time job at Tha Deuce to take a temporary part-time job in the mall), playing "Santa Photo Enforcer". I felt safer walking through the mall after that.

Random Movie Quote:

"Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!"

TF: (eating a Texas Cinnamon Roll)
SG: "Eating a Texas Cinnamon Roll huh Terry?"
TF: "Yes."
SG: "Alrighty, catcha later."

Why is everyone around here (work) so hostile? I asked someone a question this morning and they just snapped at me like they found out I was responsible for taking Burger Buddies off the menu at Burger King. Goodness.

I wonder who'll win the AL MVP next year?

Apparently the new "Upside Down Xmas" tree is catching on like ... (no pun intended) wildfire. But I'll tell you this much -- do you realize this is a disaster waiting to happen? Do you realize how many unsuspecting toddlers will be sitting underneath this thing unwrapping this years "Tickle Me Leonard" or "Ike" or whatever's hot this year, when that thing gives way? I'll tell you what, the lawsuits will be flowing like egg-nog after this holiday season. Sometimes I wonder.

Random Movie Exchange:

Brian Fantana: "Time to musk up.
Ron Burgundy: "What cologne are you going to go with? London Gentleman? Black Beard's Delight?"
Brian Fantana: "No, she gets the special cologne. Sex Panther, made by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries. It contains real panther bits, so you know it's good."

My "Angry Graphics Dept." CD went over well last week, as I've gotten some good feedback from different people. It's a new week, and lets hope that nobody pisses anyone in that area off, because I'm getting the feeling that each one of the three mainstays are one "late graphics request" away from parking a U-haul in front of the building and going Timothy McVeigh on the Deuce. But while thinking about under-appreciated departments/areas of this place, I couldn't help but think about our photographers. I mean, this is speaking from experience because I did it for a while, but is there anyone in a news station who does more and gets less gratitude than a photog? I've dragged 300ft of cord through mud, in the rain while someone's yelling at me over the 2-way, or waited outside of a jail for three hours (seriously) and waited for the cops to walk someone out so I could get 10 seconds of video that I'd roll off at regular speed once and slow-mo twice to make the video last as long as the script, so I know how they feel. So in honor of every photographer at every news station, in every market, I've comprised a list of songs titles that may be on a CD if they every came out with one.

"Tha Photogs"

1. "How Can I Be 10-19, If You Won't Let Me Be 10-8"
2. "I Shot It, You Call Em'?"
3. "I Went Where You Sent Me."
4. "It's Lightening."
5. "The Cops Made Me Move."
6. "That's All the Video They Gettin'."
7. "They Sent Me Out Here For This?"
8. "Kiss My Ass."
9. "The Mast Ain't Up."
10. "I Can't See Shit."
Bonus Tracks
11. "If It Ain't Here, It Ain't Here."
11. "Give The Phone To Someone Else Please."
12. "Damnit, Dengle!"

Speaking of.... I was looking at that "Matrix Reloaded" phone list that Dengle made for us, and I've decided that that’s what they should give the "ADD" kids to ... um .... slow them down.

After thinking about what I wrote at the top, I have a feeling that I'll be single before the Noon show. Actually, to be honest, I'm sure I'll be single before the Noon show. She's probably already stopped reading and starting tearing up my pictures and erasing my numbers from her phone like that little white lady in Cingular commercial. Damnit.

TF: (Watching T.V.)
SG: "Whatcha doing Terry, watching T.V."
TF: "Yes."
SG: "Alrighty then, catcha later."

Speaking of SG's, what in the hell happened to "Socks"? I haven't saw him in a while. Is he still "security guardin'" in these parts? If so can I find out where so I'll know to stay the hell away from there? Every time I was around him I always thought about the dad from "Pet Semetary 2" who turned into the zombie and started skinning the live bunny rabbits. He kinda looks like him now that I think about it. Just go back an watch the movie.

Last quote, same movie:

Brian Fantan: "People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang."

And yes, I did watch "Anchorman" this weekend.....

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

The Vegeterian Big Mac and Tha Graphics CD

2005-11-18T08:02:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

Had a very interesting day yesterday after getting my food from my local McDonalds. Now many of you are probably wondering what was so interesting about a trip to Micky Ds, well, that's because yesterday I purchased the world's first "Vegetarian Big Mac." Yeap, of all the ways someone could screw up an order of a basic burger, fries and drink, some idiot forgot to put my meat on my burger. So after much coaching by the Mrs, and my mother who both live for arguing with people at fast food places, I eventually called and asked to speak to a manager and that's when I really got pissed off, because apparently, the person who answered the phone, was the one who didn't put my meat on my burger. Why do I say this? Because that little asshole told me that all the managers were busy and to call them back in 15min. So I hung up the phone, and drove the 2min it takes me to get there and when I drove up the first thing I noticed was how empty the place was. Now, there's no way in hell that they can go from too busy to talk, to nobody there in 2 minutes. No way, i won't believe it. So I walk in and one of the assistant managers walks up and asks me what's was wrong, after she spotted me holding the extremely light Big Mac container, so I told her and she turned right around and looked in the idiot's face who's looking at her from behind the Parfait cooler laughing. So the actual manager comes out of the back and asks me if my Big Mac was regular, and I replied, "Yeah, I ordered it with meat." So the girl Asst. manager gives me a fresh one and a double cheese burger and all was well. As I was walking out, the guy manager started ripping the little guy a new one and that was that. So you're probably wondering why I'm telling you this. Well, because I'm wondering how in the hell, can you forget to put MEAT on a burger? I mean seriously, how? Isn't that like the first thing you put on it after you put the bread on the counter? All I had was bread, cheese, lettuce, oh, and special sauce. They remembered the special sauce but forgot the meat? Is this even possible? And what's so bad about all this is that, that boy will probably end up being a senator.

The most annoying thing that happens to me in the morning is that, no matter what I'm doing, the security guard will always tell me what I'm doing.

TF: (drinking coffee)
SG: "You're drinking coffee huh?"
TF: "Yes."
SG: "Oh, okay. I'll catcha later."

The new "Harry Potter" came out this past weekend. How old are these kids and shouldn't they start having sex soon. The seventh movie will probably be "Harry Potter and The Red Light District".

Why are the people in graphics so angry? Now they're not always angry, only when someone talks to them. Let me stop, I like all the graphics people and I have to "deal" with one, so I'll play nice. And plus, you'd be pissed off too if your department changed more than the "Griswold kids". I mean, when Martin interviews "prospective new" graphics people, he might as well be playing, "Holiday Road" in the background because the newbees usually last about two months, three at the most. But, in dedication of the angry graphics mainstays (Carisma, Paul, and Ashley), here are some song titles for the CD that they should probably come out with.

1. "No Supers for 2une In" by Ashley Coleman
2. "7:25 Ain't Nothin' but a Cut-in" by Ashley Coleman
3. "Ain't No Love in Da 6 and 10" by Carisma Ramsey and Paul Thistlewaite
4. "We Ain't Got No Monitors" by Paul Thistlewate
5. "Where Is Tha Bug?" by Chuck Bark
6. "Too Many Graphics, Not Enough News" by Carisma Ramsey
7. "The 10 Is In Jeopardy" by Paul Thistlewaite
8. "F*ck Tha Bug" by Ashley Coleman
9. "Too Late, I'm Not Doin' It" by Carisma Ramsey, feat: Paul Thistlewaite w/ Ashley Coleman
10. "Please Return Tha Graphics Tapes" by Tha Graphics Department
11. "That's Easily Done" by Paul Thistlewaite
12. "Too Many Trainees, Not Enough Employees" by Tha Graphic Department
Bonus Tracks:
13. "I Already Made Plans Martin" by Ashley Coleman
14. "I Worked Last Weekend Martin" by Carisma Ramsey
15. "Are You Serious?" by Paul Thistlewaite

Or something like that. Hey I could happen. I think they need to get started on this as soon as possible. I'll get Puff Daddy/Puffy/P-Diddy/Diddy on the line.

TF: (typing the show)
SG: "You're typing the show huh Terry?"
TF: "Yes."
SG: "Alrighty, catcha later."

From Jared:

Jared: "Jordan that's what happens when you all hellbent on world domination, but you don't have a logo made. These people who want to dominate the world don't think about marketing."

I was sitting down looking at T.V. yesterday and began to feel really old. We're all to the point that we really don't realize that some of our favorite movies and T.V. shows came out a REALLY long time ago. Seriously. Case and point, I was watching "Die Hard" yesterday, which is one of the greatest action movies of my lifetime, and realized that it came out in 1988. 1988! 17 years ago. Most of my favorite players that I remember being drafted in football and basketball are either retired or coaching. Life stinks and then you die I guess.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Things Producers Hate

2005-11-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

I'd like to begin with the bastard who put the camera all the way up to my desk last night before I got in. I hope your children grow up and marry circus freaks.

Should I get excited every time I get an email from Dengle?

Someone (who will remain nameless) recently watched the first, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone". Following the viewing, "she" said that the movie was hard to follow because of the english accents. Okay. I guess if it were in all subtitles her head would explode.

Who do you think would win in a fight between two Quakers?

Decided to check my voice mail at my desk this morning. And I only have three words to say .... Ashley, Ashley, Ashley. Nearly every message on my voice mail was for Ashley. Listen princess, I'm sure that the people who return your calls want to know why you sound like a 6'4", 242lb black man when they get the voicemail. What if someone says they're gonna call you back with the winning Powerball numbers or something and you get up to go get some water, or do some jumping jacks and can't quite get back to the phone before that deadly "second" ring? I guess I can be a nice and leave you my code and stuff huh? Allow me to tell you this like Yoda, "Sorry I am. Do this, I cannot."

I think I made someone mad yesterday. Well, you know what? "Blog means never having to say you're sorry."

Story:

Apparently during my rant about the black people potentially living in trailers on that guys "plantation", someone thought that I was talking about them. Okay. Last time I checked, I didn't work with any plantation owners unless Niccy has something she wants to tell me. Actually now that I think about it, she doesn't ever say that much about her days living in Alabama.

Terry: "So Niccy, tell me about growing up in Bama'."
Niccy: "It was nice."

Louisiana. What a great state to live in right? Last week our Guv-a-nah, was voted as one of the three worst in the U.S., and yesterday, the senate passed a bill that would force people whose homes were "jacked up" in the storms to pay taxes on their property. Okay. Why would I pay taxes on a house that I don't have anymore. In the words of Gen. Honore, "That's just stuck on stupid!". I mean honestly, did they think about this at all? These are the people we elected. God help us.

Robert Wooley was on 2une In this morning. And for those of you wondering, he drove a black H2. Didn't see if it had any flames, but I think just in case, I should've sent Patrick out to get some file video ... just in case he ... um ... comes up again.

I think I saw a Michael Marsh promo on Univision yesterday.

"Noticias Dos, Miguel Marsh, en Cuatro, Cinco, Seises, y Diez."

I'm serious.

Most annoying things that happen to a producer:

- To count an anchor down from 10 to 1, only to have them talk for another 10 seconds after they hear you say 1.

- Selective IFB failure.

- The way others always believe that they know more about what's going on with the show than you do.

- Questions that are asked and answered at the same time. "How long is this 1:30 pkg?"

Just My .02, take it or leave it.

Things I Hate About Work

2005-11-16T05:25:00.000-08:00

*Blog*

Sorry for the three day lay-off. I really don't have any excuses except for the fact that I was tired. Sue me.

I see that "Usher" has a live DVD coming out filled with ... um .... well, Usher "stuff". Pardon me while I turn into a 13 year old girl and start screaming. There are just a few things in life that I'd rather do than listen to, watch, or buy this video. Um, lets see....

1. Flush my eyes with rubbing alcohol
2. Run naked backwards through a corn field
3. Do jell-o-shots with "Nasty Nate" from "Half Baked"
4. Work in the afternoons
5. Drive a Ford

Actual Story:

"It's almost time to pay-up for Louisiana. The three-billion dollar bill from FEMA is on the way, while Louisiana waits for reimbursement from FEMA for hurricane costs. And before it's said and done, FEMA estimates the state will owe three-point-seven billion. Louisiana has 30-days after getting the bill to pay and after that, the government tacks-on penalties. Failure to pay could prompt the government to withhold federal money for things like roads and schools."

Now to that, I say this, what kind of hypocrites do we have running this country? We still owe money to people for the freaking Civil War (I am so serious, look it up.) and the federal government have the nerve to give louisiana a deadline on paying back money owed to them, that I'm not even sure we owe them to begin with. Sometimes I hate this country.

Stupid things I'm gonna buy when I hit it big:

1. Life Sized "Darth Vader" for my foyer with red spotlights.
2. A monkey
3. 200lbs of imported Bavarian Chocolate imported from Bavaria
4. One of those trains that go all over the house like little Ricky Schroeder had on "Silver Spoon"
5. A Sea turtle with a "Nike" sign on both sides.

Apparently, 4pm Matt, has turned into ESPN's Nick Bakay. I never thought I'd see the day that someone would actually take an argument further than Todd Ross, but in the words of WCW's Ernest "The Cat" Miller, "Somebody betta call my mama!". Oh my god? Matt, was the 4pm show not in jeopardy when you were turning into PTI's stat boy? People this evolved from a simple disagreement between two co-workers on who deserved to win this year's American League MVP and eventually morphed into something more disturbing than Dengle's "Unlock the Matrix" phone sheet. Okay, on one sheet of paper, there was a chart, that compared the entire batting orders of the Yankees, and the Red Sox, along with stats and an explanation at the bottom. AND...on the other side, there was a complete type-written thesis about why David Ortiz deserved the MVP award over A-Rod ... and a very intriguing argument on the Gross Domestic Product of Costa Rica and it's adverse affect on the United States economy.

Also apparently, Oprah Winfrey is supposed to be at the Bellmont this morning according to a call I received at 3:56am. The nice lady said that there's no security and probably close to a million people out there. I wasn't aware that we had a million people living in the city, and if we do, apparently they were all in the parking lot of the Bellmont this morning.

More disturbing stories from tha Deuce:

"The remaining evacuees living at the lamar dixon expo center had to leave yesterday, but thanks to a plantation owner, they had somewhere to go. The owner of Judge Poche Plantation in St. James parish made room on his land for a 35-lot trailer facility for the evacuees...."

Now, I'm not trying to be all "Angry Black Producer", but why would I want to live in a trailer on a plantation in south Louisiana? I mean, seriously, why? Hey, I'm here to tell you that we as a race still haven't gotten over that whole slavery thing, and if I can speak for everyone else, I wanna grab a can of gasoline every time I pass by one of our many "Historical Plantation Sites", and probably would have by now if gas didn't cost just as much as jet fuel. But anyway, did he think about this before he made his offer? And how long will it be before he starts waking everyone up at 4am?

Owner: "Rise-an-shine!!"
Evacuee: "Yes sir?"
Owner: "Time ta earn ya keep boy."

What in the hell? Why am I the only one bothered by this stuff?

Coming in to work this morning I found myself a little preturbed about certain things so I decided to construct or formulate a list of things I hate about work.

- The fact that camera 4 is always parked by my desk when I come in EVERY morning. Maybe I should just paint some yellow lines and a couple of blue ones with a little man in a wheelchair over it in the area by my desk.

- The new and innovative way to do something old which usually has an uncanny resemblance to the last new and innovative way they told us to start doing it, which is the same way we're doing it now?

- The fact that it looked like a damn Sasquatch took a crap in the garbage can by my desk. Honestly, I can get a new mouse pad for my computer but I can't get a new garbage can for my desk?

- The "Boreal Forest Climate" that is the control room. Did someone tell management that below freezing temps keep producers fresh? You know, the cold is bearable for those of you who do 30min shows, but for me, at the end of the two hours of 2une In, my appendages usually start falling off like Robert Patrick in "Terminator 2: Judgement Day". Seriously, this needs to stop.

- News Control smells like cat pee

- The sprinklers that are programmed to come on -- even when it rains or when I wash my car. Seriously, I've watched water shoot out of the ground at the same time it's falling out of the sky and wondered, "what the hell?".

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Women and Snake Repellant

2005-11-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

Things Heard on the Scanner:

2:30am

Now I'm not making a joke out of this, I'm just telling you what I heard. "A blind man with a cane is reportedly walking in traffic." I'll just sit and wait for an EMS code-3 callout.

*Blog*

Have a little sad news to start off with. I found the cold lifeless body of one of my little buddies in front of the door when I got in this morning. I think it was Andy ... that's what I named him, just looks like an Andy. It appears that he was murdered by the security guard. I was semi-upset by this. However, I didn't see J-T, the other one. Hopefully he's still alive or the horror of watching Andy get murdered was just too much for him. Maybe so. I'll keep you posted.

You know, after growing up in a house full of women, working at a job (EKL) for three years being the only man in a whole department, and just paying attention to what women around me have said over the years, I've come to one conclusion, women don't think too much of men. Case in point, old ass Terry McMillan ("How Stella Got Her Groove Back", "Waiting to Exhale") was on Oprah yesterday confronting her gay ex-husband for the first time since he "came out" and she started saying things that started hammering the point home. She said things like, "I thought he was someone I could mold", and "I told him we were never gonna be old and gray together." And I was like, what the hell? I hear women say stuff like, "men are dumb", "men couldn't survive without women", "men are dumb", "men are lazy", blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth. And my question is, why are you (angry women who this apply to) so freaking angry? 9 times out of 10, the man you're taking stuff out on is not the one who made you angry to begin with. And 11 times out of 13, the man you're complaining about, is the one you wont leave, so why stereotype and categorize? There are dirty, lazy, lowdown men, just like they're dirty, lazy, low down women. So for the 06', please let us let go and start over. (This message was paid for by the Teiryn M. Fields campaign.)

Todd R. is apparently upset about meeting his demise at the hands of Mr. 5, 6 and 10 in QC DM the other day. I think this means that our kids won't play together now.

Derek McCoy, I accidentally stepped on your "timesheet" when I went in Martin's office the other day to put the DVD on his desk. So you probably should have had a 13 inch footprint covering your timesheet when you turned it in earlier this week. Ironically, I believe that this was obviously some kind of metaphor for life, "The Man keeping his foot on the little man holding him down." Sorry.

From Niccy in her "Eric Cartman" voice while looking on the internet:

NW: "I don't know why I'm looking at diamonds, because my boyfriend won't be buying me one anytime soon."
TF: "Can I write that down?"
NW: "Yes."

Okay I can't be the only person who thought that whole "Second Chance Academy" story we aired yesterday sounded a lot like "Lean On Me". I was waiting on Morgan Freeman to pop up in the middle of the story complaining through a bullhorn about kids not knowing the school song.

I come in everyday wondering what I'm gonna write about, and stuff like this just falls in my lap. Apparently Rasha is a Vietnamese (viet-ma-negro) stripper from the French Quarter with a "peg-leg", who likes long walks in the park, pretzels, and the internet after she get's off. I can't explain it, you're gonna have to ask her. But to make a long story short, I'm probably going to hell now for even witnessing what I saw. Damnit.

2:51am -- still no EMS callout. Lets keep our fingers crossed.

Mr. Clark: "Sams! Sams! Do you know the words to the school song?"
Sams: "No, Mr. Clark!"
Mr. Clark: "Does anyone in here know the school song?"
Kid in bathroom: "Fair East Side ... hi-igh......"

I know I do a lot in the mornings, but I think I look a little too relaxed at times when people start showing up in the mornings. So I think, one day I'm gonna wear one of those cheap white dress shirts with the pocket in the front, some reading glasses, and keep a pencil behind my ear. I'm gonna put a fan on my desk with little strips of paper tied to it so they just sort of flap around. Next I'll put some balled up wrappers of "bazooka" gum all over my desk and when someone asks me a question I just snap at them and then turn and wipe my forehead with the back of my hand.

TR: "So, Terry, is everything cool? Anything blow up?"
TF: "Would you just shut the hell up!!"
(Terry wipes his forehead with the back of his hand.)

"Some-times in our lives ... we all have pain ... we all have sor-row. But ... if we are wise, we know that there's ... always to-mor-row. Lean on me!! When you're not strong ... and I'll be your friend ... I'll help you ca-rry on, for it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on!"

3:39am, still no code 3 EMS callout, but someone was transported to a hospital for hallucinating. Just thought I should mention this.

Speaking of EMS, "The Mrs." apparently thought that it was time for us to begin seeing other people last night. This came after she got out of the car while we were in the drive thru at Taco Bell and got out a bag of "Snake Repellant", which is basically poison, and showed it to me (they have a snake problem around there house). Why am I telling you this? Well, because I almost didn't make it out of that drive-thru. Apparently she had no idea that it wasn't a good idea to put an extremely potent poison in a closed-in area with an asthmatic. Listen, I love you sweetheart, but 25 is not a particularly good age to die, and in no way, shape, or form do I want to be the first black man to die in a Mitsubishi, after having an asthma attack, triggered by snake repellant, in the drive-thru at Taco Bell. And on top of that, my family and friends would have gotten to see Todd Ross and Michael Marsh battle it out to see who could make my death sound more dramatic.

Sample teases:

MM: "Death, nachos, and snake repellant at a local Taco Bell shocks a North Baton Rouge community. That story at 4."
TR: "Coming up in a story you'll see only on News Two, because we have a super that says, "Only On News Two", which will be up the whole time. A local man dies at Taco Bell -- without actually eating the food. We'll have more, on 2une In."

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Celebrity Guest Hosts

2005-11-09T07:51:00.000-08:00

(Today's blog is brought to you by Pepto Bismol)
(Closed Captioned for the hearing impaired)
(Simulcast in stunning High Definition Google)

*Blog*

I think someone may have "took out" my little buddies who usually greet me at the door in the mornings. I'm kind of upset by this, but I don't know if I should be.

Random 2am telephone call:

TF: "Channel 2, this is Terry."
RC: "Ay man ... somebody call me from that numba!!!"
TF: "No Sir."
RC: "Oh okay. Somebody musta had the wrong number, or I hit the wrong button or somethin'."

If Outkast and Pharell ever got together and came out with an entire CD together, people's heads would be exploding all over the country.

I was watching Jay Leno this morning and during his monologue, he talked about a 26 year old man in Orlando, Florida who just discovered that he was black. Just thought I should pass that on.

Jay: "Apparently there are no mirrors in Orlando."

Okay this needs to be said. Is it me, or has Skylar Green been at LSU for like 8 years? Seriously, I'm pretty sure that boy was catching passes from Rohan and Josh Booty. Exactly when does eligibilty run out for NCAA athletes? Aren't we in the information business? Can someone look into this? And why am I the only one bothered by it?

Actual control room conversation from yesterday:

Ricco: "I wanna get my little girl a dog that's not gonna get too big."
Dawn: "Get her a miniature pincher."
Ricco: "I don't wanna get her anything mean."
Dawn: "They're not mean. They're very family oriented."

Apparently miniature pinchers are being bred by Dr. Phil.

Actual exchange between Niccy and I this morning, while watching the "Girls Gone Wild" informercial:

NW: "I'm too old to be on Girls Gone Wild."
TF: "And you're not hot enough either."
NW: "What?!! Hey I was on Girls Gone Wild once."
TF: "What the first one? Cave-girls Gone Wild?"

Random AP story:

"A woman has been arrested for padding her bra - with a stolen rare parrot. Jill Knispel, 35, hid the Greenwing parrot in her bra after taking it from her employer, Baby Exotic Birds of Englewood, police said. When Knispel went to trade the bird for a vintage car, she told the car's owner how she got the animal, according to the Fish and
Wildlife Conservation Commission. Turns out the car's owner is friends with the man who owns the $2,000 bird. DNA tests confirmed the bird's identity and Knispel was charged with grand theft."

Okay.

I was standing by the printers in the newsroom and had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. I was hit with a brilliant idea. Seeing as though we're in ratings and all, I think we should make every friday "Celebrity Fridays". Okay, you're gonna have to hear me out now, we can have Hollywood stars anchoring in every position on the show for the entire two hours. My god. Could you imagine this? I should really be in charge of something before I die, because I'll tell you what, I'm wasting far too many ideas on you people and the Mrs., who just looks at me like I have a third eye at times. I already have the hosts in mind for this Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger in Todd's spot, in Whitney's spot, and Mike Tyson doing weather. This is such a good idea that I almost didn't wanna write it down, but I think it'd go a little like this....

(2une In Open Rolls)

AS: "Gu-ud Friday Morning. I'm ya supah-fantastic celebrity host Arnold Schwarzenegger, filling in for Todd Ross. And here are my guest co-hosts, David Engle filling in for Whitney Va-ann, and filling in for Dave Nussbaum is former boxing heavyweight champion, and convicted rapist, Iron Mike Tyson."
MT: "I'm so ex-static to be here this morning. It's just a tremendous feeling hosting a show with you Arnold."
AS: "Thanks Iron Mike, the plea-sure is all mine."
(Arnold turns and looks at Dengle)
AS: "Who are yuu?"
DE: "What?"
AS: "You!! I'm talking to you Dengle!! Who's ya dad-dy, and what does he do?"
DE: "Huh? What? I work the desk."
AS: "You're not celebrity! Why are you he-rre?
DE: "I don't know. What?"
AS: "Just get out. Lets toss to a real ce-le-brity, the supah-fantastic Iron Mike Tyson. So Iron Mike, how's the weather looking out the-rre this mor-ning?"
MT: "Oh my god, Arnold, it's ludacris. The dense fog is so dense. It's by far the dense-est fog I think I've seen in a long time."
(he walks to the wall as Traffic and weather open rolls)
MT: "People if you don't have something important to do this morning, you might probably want to think about considering staying at home. I mean lets take a look outside...just look at that. People the fog is just unbare-able, the dense fog is in-penertrable, like my impregnable defenses when I fought Andrew Golota some years back. So lets go to the national maps now, and as you can see here, this seems to look like some kind of pressure system over Bute, Montana, not too sure though. We got some southerly winds blowing out of the south, don't know how serious that is, so if you're watching, you might wanna be careful out there. Coming out west toward southern Cali-fornia ....
(Arnold cuts him off)
(off screen)
AS: "I'm the guv-an-nah the-rre!!"
MT: "...I know Arnold, that's fantastic. But it's lookin' pretty good for Arnold's state today -- mostly cloudy skies, so I guess that makes it partly sunny. You can expect tem-per-a-tures to be in the mid-80s today, with a 32 percent chance of snow flurries. So you may want to make note of that. That's all for your weather ... lets take a look at twaffik ... It's all clear on inner-states this morning, our twaffik shot takes us out to Inner-state 10 at Mirb where it appears to be flowing fantastically, so your commute should be fine if you're driving in that direction. If you're going down one of the streets where twaffik isn't flowing all that great, like the incomplete part of I-49, it might take you longer to get to work, so call your bosses and tell them you're gonna be late. That's it for weather and twaffik, lets send it back to the desk with Arnold and Dengle. Arnold?"
AS: "Thanks Iron Mike. Now for tu-day's nuuws, and we begin with a ter-rible shuuting in the ca-pi-tul city, because your guv-a-nah, is not as strong as myself and that's why yuu people have so much vio-lence he-rre. Details are sketchy, but police say the victim tried to get down and run to the choppah but didn't make it. Stay tuned to nuus tuu, for the very latest."

Or something along those lines. Someone needs to make this happen. Seriously, it could change lives.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Not Quite Celebrities

2005-11-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

Things Heard Over the Scanner:

2:22am

Report of a hispanic male running through the parking lot of the FEMA trailer park on Groom Rd. He's being chased by a black male holding a gun.
"Andalee', Andalee', Vamanos!!"

Blog

My little buddies were outside waiting on me again this morning. It appears as if this will be a regular occurrence. Who do I have to thank for this "special treatment"?

1:46am: There is no news. There isn't no news. There ain't no damn news. Damnit.

Most Disturbing News I've heard in months:

"Laila Ali and her husband/manager's divorce is final. The two have been separated since January and their divorce became final November 1st. She briefly mentioned it on the red carpet of BET's 25 Anniversary show last night. A close friend of the boxing champ tells Atlanta Gossip, (AG) that Laila has finally come to grips with her true sexuality and is happy with her new found freedom and is dating Grammy nominated actress, rapper, singer, Queen Latifah."

Now we've all pretty much agreed that Queen Latifah was an um, "switch hitter", but looking at the fact that I've never seen her with a guy that wasn't standing on a set, it's safe to say that she's a "Designated Hitter", so the lesbo news about her was not surprising at all. Now as far as the Laila news, I might need therapy, muffins, and apple juice to get over this one. My girlfriend swears that she looked like she could be gay (*secret* a woman will always find something wrong with an attractive woman; "She's not cute." "Is that what you like?" "I don't like her dress." etc.) because she boxes. But I'm like, her dad boxed and she's just trying to take after her dad. That doesn't take away from the fact that she's beautiful. Who knows, but I'm still shocked. Shocked.

Why is the music industry getting upset about illegal downloading....ah....I mean "file sharing"? I feel like this, if it's on the net, at least one person had to buy it right? And plus, the whole "illegal downloading" thing took off as the quality of music began to slide. Don't tell me I'm stealing because I chose to download for "free" the one or two decent songs out of the 15 you prominently featured on your CD, rather than give you 15 bucks for two "okay" songs and 13 I don't like. If anyone has been stealing anything it's been them stealing money out of our wallets. There haven't been five quality CD's out at the same time since the late 90's and if anyone can think of five that were decent that were out at the same time over the last five years, please let me know. The real crooks don't reside in dormrooms and bedrooms across the country, they can be found in any high-rise building. Damnit.

Apparently "Cox" is the "clear choice" Really?

Random Movie Quote:

"I swear that if another person in here says the word shenanigans, I'll pistol whip the hell out of him."
"Hey Jeff, what's the name of that restaurant you like so much with all the goofy shit on the wall and the mozarella sticks?"
"Yeah, Shenanigans!!"
"Oooohhhhh!!!"

Todd gets the "Dumbest Thing I've Ever Scene on T.V." trophy. Todd drank a mouth full of liquid nitrogen ... liquid nitrogen on the air this morning. In the words of ECW great, announcer Joey Styles, "I think he might be dead."

Just got an idea for a new show called "Quasi-Celebrity Deathmatch". It would go a little like this...

JG: "Welcome to a special edition of MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez, along with my co-host Nick Diamond."
ND: "And joining us today is a special guest co-host, Greg Meriwether, known as Streetbeat" to both of his fans ladies and gentleman."
GM: "Good evening guys, thank you for having me."
ND: "Greg you'll be in match a little later on tonight against News Two's Tony Jones in a battle of Streetbeat vs. Beatstreet."
GM: "Yeah that's right guys."
JG: "So Greg, what's your beef with Tony?"
GM: "Well, guys it's like this, this city is only big enough for one Streetbeat and to be honest, I think that Tony has to go."
ND: "Strong words from an angry subpar reporter ladies and gentleman. We'll have that match a little later, but coming up right now is our featured match of the night between News Two's 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 o'clock anchor Michael Marsh, and 2une In and Noon anchor, Todd Ross."
JG: "That's right Nick, it's a fight for face time, the battle for every show at News Two."
ND: "It's Quasi-Celebrity Deathmatch tonight people -- people who aren't quite celebrities, but whose faces are recognizable within a 75 mile radius nonetheless."
GM: "And we have a special guest referee for the match today, News two's John Pastoreck." ND: "Let's get started. Here's referee J-P."
(He walks in and grabs the mic.)(Michael and Todd are already in the ring.)
JP: "Alright, let's get it on!!"
(They walk to the center of the ring)
JP: "I want a nice clean fight, first one to die loses."
TR: "You couldn't handle 2une In, Marsh."
MM: "I can't handle it cause I didn't want it Ross."
TR: "We'll see..."
(Todd grabs Marsh by the ears and rams his head into his knee)
ND: "OOOhhh, Ross with the knee to the face...."
(He starts headbutting Marsh until he falls down.)
(Marsh begins pulling something out of his trunks.)
GM: "Guys, what's he doing? Marsh has something in his trunks, what's that?"
(it's an IFB cable, Marsh jumps up and wraps it around Todd's neck and begins choking him. Todd begins turning blue)
GM: "Ross is in trouble guys, he's in trouble. Oh, scooby, dooby doo, where are you, we've got some work for you now."
(Todd has turned black. And he's not moving. Marsh continues to choke him.)
ND: "I think we may have a winner soon barring some kind of miracle comeback by Ross"
(Referee J-P pulls out a crowbar and "does marsh in". )
JG: "What's going on? J-P just knocked out Marsh just as he was wrapping up the easy victory!"
(Todd's color comes back and he gets up, grabs Marsh and begins punching the holy hell out of him.)
GM: "Guys, the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, and so is Ross!"
(Johnny leans over and whispers to Nick about Greg)
JG: "Where did they get this guy from again?"
ND: "An idiot convention possibly?"
(Todd's still "going to town" on Marsh. He shoves his wireless mic box in Marsh's mouth)
TR: "Yeah, speak on that. You better respect 2une In and Noon. Three hours of T.V., you break it up that's six 30 minute shows a day. 30 shows a week bitch!"
(He pulls out a gun and tries to shoot Marsh, but he disappears....)
JG: "Ross tries to finish off Marsh with the Desert Eagle .50, but he just vanished."
ND: "Where'd he go?"
(Marsh is invisible. He begins hitting Todd from all angles. He pushes a knife through Todd's back and it comes all the way through his chest. Todd's dead. Marsh suddenly reappears and pulls off a ring.)
ND: "Ross is dead. All that's left now is for Referee J-P to give him the win."
GM: "Guys, Marsh used the Ring of Power, the one ring that controls all. "
(J-P walks over to Marsh to raise his hand but doesn't. He just stands there with his arms folded smiling and then he points behind Marsh. A creature comes of the crowd and begins pummelling Marsh with a big rock until he's a bloody mess."
JG: "Oh my god, it's Smeagol, where did he come from?"
GM: "Guys, Marsh has "the precious", and he wants it back and he's obviously willing to kill to get it."
Smeagol: "MUST HAVE THE PRECIOUS!! SMEAGOL WANTS IT!! FILTHY ANCHORS STEALS IT FROM US!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!"
(Marsh is dead. Referee J-P walks over and raises Smeagol's hand. Smeagol wins.)
JG: "Smeagol gets the win in the unlikeliest of matches. "
ND: "And along with the win, Greg and Johnny, most importantly, he got back the precious."

Hey it could happen. Maybe.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Munster, Go Home

2005-11-07T07:11:00.000-08:00

(Today's blog is brought to you by Chili Cheese Fritos)
(This blog is not for the slow or illiterate)
(Simulcast in stunning High Definition Google)

Blog

When I got in this morning, there were two really big roaches just sitting in front of the door. Side by side, as if they were waiting for me. As I got all the way to the door, they just turned and walked off. I guess they were waiting to see if I got here okay. Oh well, we'll see if this keeps up.

Buyer Beware --- do not buy anything out of the refrigerated snack machine! The tuna salad looks like fried peanut butter so it's safe to say that if you do decide to eat anything out of there, you should probably have all of your business in order.

Staying with the snack machines now...why is it that the majority of the snack cakes in the snack machine are by "Mrs. Freshley's" but most of the time they're stale? I can't be the only one who's thought about this.

From SG Bob, while watching the last leg of the "What's Happening" marathon on "TV Land" this morning:

"I recognize that music...that's ole' Rerun!!"

According to the SU police department and other school officials, there was apparently a sex party on campus involving some football players. The dean of students said that seven students were disciplined -- I'd say because he was probably not invited. But my question is, were any of the Minnesota Vikings prominently involved and were the girls required purify their bodies in the waters of "Lake Minetonka" before arriving?

What's so sad about that last statement is, only about five people or so, who actually remember "Purple Rain" got it.

Submission by Rick Portier ... from about 3 weeks ago:

"Love the blog. Heard a song last week that you might like to feature in your interludes."
"Why must i chase the cat. Why must i be like that. Nothing but the dog in me. Nothing but the dog in me."

Just a thought.

Rick"

I encourage the participation of others into the completion of this blog as well as support education. (cue the little Sylvan Learning Center music.)

For Niccy and Paul:

"Tears stream ... down your face ... I promise you, I will learn from my mistakes. Tears stream ... down your face And I ... Lights ... will gui-de you home ... And ignite your bones. And ... I will try to fix you."

Hey Eddie, I got a "Munsters" question for you. Why was Marilyn the only normal looking one you guys?

Yeah I know, soon as I get over one grudge I pick up another one. Now I got this whole "Munsters" crap with Eddie. And I'm sure none of you thought I'd ever get over that whole Rasinet thing. Neither did I.

Customer: "Excuse me, this a Hamburger. I wanted a cheese burger."
Waiter: "Oh I'm sorry, I wanted a faithful wife."

If pancakes and waffles are made from the exact same stuff (batter), why do waffles taste so much better?

From ESPN.com:

"Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who allegedly were having sex with each other in a bathroom stall at a Tampa, Fla., nightclub were arrested and charged early Sunday following a run-in with patrons and police. According to a police report obtained by the CBS TV affiliate in Tampa and the Charlotte Observer, Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas were arrested following an incident at Banana Joe's, in Tampa's Channelside district, at 2:10 a.m. ET. In the police report, witnesses claimed Thomas and Keathley were having sex with each other in a stall when other patrons grew angry that the two were taking so long in the bathroom."

And folks, I am in the information business, so if you would like to see what these ladies look like, go to NFL.com and click on the Panthers logo and then cheerleaders. Just thought that I should pass this on.

Todd got here kinda early this morning, he must have slept in his car. And speaking of Todd, I think that we should all just start calling he and Dave N. "Jake and Elwood Blues".

Okay, I know I have pretty much run this one into the ground, but I just can't get over how annoying that damn, "In the Know", GMA theme song is. I'm serious. How did that meeting go when they were throwing around ideas?

Pres.: "We need a new hipper theme song for Good Morning America."
VP: "What do you suggest?"
Pres: "We need a song that's so annoying that it will have people jumping off buildings, but at the same time, so catchy that it will get stuck inside their heads."
VP: "I'm on it."

Things that I fear the most:

1. Anything happening to a family member.

2. The Mrs. leaving me for any reason.

3. Someone stealing my car and State Farm not giving me enough money for a Corvette down payment.

4. My ex-girlfriend from 5 years ago -- 90 pounds of utter hate and disdain wrapped in a package smaller than a ham and cheese "lunch-a-ble".

5. Putting a $5 bill into the change machine in the break room and the machine not giving me anything back.

From Tom W.:

"Pats Coats for kids? Todd should come up with one. We can call it Todd's Tube Tops for Teenagers."

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Two Cents

2005-11-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

Welcome back people, because much like the McRibb on the menu at Mickey D’s, I’ve been gone for far too long. I’d like to thank everyone for reading over the last couple of months, sorry about the little hiatus, but it was for good reason; I’ll get to that in a second. Now, in case you don’t remember, I started writing this around the end of the summer after it evolved into something that stemmed from some silly comments I would write at the end of the “Morning Updates”. After it gained a little popularity, I decided to make it something entirely separate from the “Morning Update” and there it was.

So, after sending it to about 6 people for about a month or so, our fearless leader told me during a meeting that I should probably start sending it to everyone and that was that. Or was it? Children, come sit on Terry’s lap so he can tell you a story; not in that Michael Jackson/Catholic Priest kinda way, but nonetheless, sit down. Now, if you build a bird house in the back yard, and your friend next door builds a bird house but your bird house sucks to the point where rather than come inside, the birds paint it with Graffiti, why get upset?

“Redbirds fool, recanize!!”
“O.G. killa blue birdz …. Kakaaaaa!!”

If your house just sucks, it sucks, don’t get mad, that’s just a part of life. Someone will always be better than you, no way around it. And you’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with anything. Well, I’m telling you this because someone apparently got jealous because my bird house was better than there’s. You see, much like drugs, my blog was offered to everyone, not forced. Some of you chose to shoot up, some a little more than others, while others chose to pass it up, and I’m cool with that. Just consider me your blog pusher. Now a little birdie told me that apparently someone was jealous because they had a blog too, only much like their bird house, their blog sucked. Everybody gathered around and talked about my blog, while they posted there’s in a window, literally, and no one cared to read it. Now, I won’t mention this person’s name, but let’s just call him Eddie Munster. And I have a message for Eddie, “Grow up.”

I mean, this honestly pisses me off. I haven’t been this upset since that nasty Rasinet incident from a couple of months ago. But, I’ll be fine, really. Thanks to all my readers for returning, a lot has happened over the last couple of weeks, but I’ll try and fill everyone in on what’s been happening.

Blog

Curtis Jackson has 50, but only got 2 and here’s both of em’! Welcome back.

Now, there’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and then there’s a sleepy Chris Stevens filling in on 2une In half Dave. Now in Chris’ defense, it was early and I don’t think he’s ever worked that shift, but in one week this man gave us such classics as “Titney Vann”, “Interstate 10 at Mirb (MRB)”, and more 30 second weathercasts than those Cingular wireless text message updates. But in all Chris did okay. Sorry to hear about that nasty little spill in the studio the other day Chris.

I think Socks McDunnah, was let go. It’s a sad day for six shooter revolvers, tube socks, and stalker laws.

Is it possible for an entire building to know about something but two people who supposedly talk to and get along with everyone be completely left in the dark for nearly a year. Yeah, that’s what I said too.

If something unfortunate happens to Greg at 9, and they somehow persuade Tony to leave “Tha Deuce”, do you think that anyone in 9’s viewing audience would notice? Neither do I.

I haven’t seen this many blondes in one place at the same time since Girls Gone Wild Mardis Gras.

And speaking of … we have a new employee … again. Apparently they’ve begun selling them at “Whole Foods”.

This morning there was in this order, a chair, foot powder, and little strips of paper in the men’s bathroom across from the edit bays. I don’t know what went on there, and I don’t wanna know.

I’m still not talking to you Claire.

A few whassups:

Jarred, Carisma, Mike Sellers (two tds, couple of weeks ago, good job), Sana (now you’re hip to how my life is going), Veronica, Derek, Rick, and Lindsey, who will be driving us to hell following comments she made while talking to me on Thursday.

Just my two cents, take it or leave it.