"Sex and the City" and REDRUM

Things Heard on the Scanners:

4:06am

Female whispering in the phone, saying that her boyfriend assaulted her and he that he's still there. I wonder did she break into "The Whisper Song" right in the middle...
"Hey Operator, lemme whispa in ya ear...."


*Blog*

Sorry, I know it's been a week, I really don't have any excuses...sue me. Seriously, I've been tired ... Okay, let me stop. I can not tell a lie. I haven't written anything in a week because, plain and simply, I've been depressed. Now many of you are probably saying, "Terry, much like Fat Albert, you don't have problems, you solve problems.", but alas, I do have a problem and I don't know what I'm gonna do. What is that problem you ask? Well, Dengle's gone. The inspiration, the muse, the reason for "Los Bloges" has apparently made a run for the real estate border. Even on days where I didn't write anything about him, his "crazy news room antics" inspired me to try and make the next blog better than the previous one. He unknowingly took all of the attention off Ashley R., so I that I was able to spread it around, and at the same time, avoid a trip to Jamie's office. I don't know what I'm gonna do. But I'd like to wish the little Clark Kent stunt double luck in his new endeavor and also tell him thank you for giving us such classics as the "Unlock the Matrix phone list", the "Post-it Note Accident description", the poor elderly evacuee he called security on, the "I forgot to tell them he called in to work" debacle, and several frustrated photogs. But if he had so much trouble doing newsroom things, how will he fair in the real estate biz? Maybe he'll use the Morpheus approach:

DE: "You have two options. You take the blue pill, you'll wake up inside your 15 x 10ft FEMA trailer and you'll get to bitch about propane for the next two months. But take the red pill, the dream ends and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."

But with all that said, this has been a tough year for material -- we've lost both Dengle and Stephanie Duhon -- the Key Master and the Gate Keeper. Damn. Lets just hope they don't somehow make their way into each other's lives at the same job in the future, or that will be a catastrophe of biblical proportions. Biblical.

We may as well change the name of Louisiana from "Sportsmans Paradise" to "World's Largest Trailer Park". Seriously, does anyone realize how many trailer parks we have here now? Right now they're all worried about anchoring these FEMA trailers down for this year's hurricane season and I don't think they need to worry about hurricane season as much as they need to worry the "Tornado" season this spring and summer. We've all seen the video of what happens when Tornadoes meet trailers and I'm pretty sure I can speak for everyone when I say I'm not excited about the potential for some F5 to blow through here and these things up and start sprinkling them like bacon bits all over Baton Rouge. And on top of that, these things are costing a fortune. Todd R. and I were talking one day last week and he was telling me about an interesting article he read about the costs of running each trailer. Apparently, it costs 3,000 dollars a month to run each trailer. Per month, per trailer. Good God. Is it just me, or was nothing dealing with this storm well thought out? And on top of that, they're cutting off the propane, and the trailer residents are pissed. I wonder what Hank Hill would have to say about this.

HH: "No you can't get a new bicycle because those goddamn FEMA assholes are cuttin' into my business boy."

Actual morning exchange while Security Guard Bob was standing by Whitney's desk:

SGB: "Is that Greg Meriwhether?"
TF: "No."
SGB: "Well he looks like him."

Got the pleasure of watching "Sex and the City" last night with the Mrs. Now with all due respect, I love my girlfriend and I do treasure our quality time, but I've lost at least 10 years off of my life. We can't watch Transformers (I am proud of my collection) or Thundercats, but we can sit around and watch 4 mildly attractive, okay 3 mildly .. okay 2 mildly attractive women (I'm pretty sure the red head's gay, and I agree with The Family Guy in saying that Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a foot.) sit around and drink cosmopolitans cackling about banging some random guy that they met on a subway? But I know she loves the show, and I bought her the entire series for christmas not thinking that I'd have to watch all 96 episodes. But as much as I said I enjoy my QT, if I'm not here in March, and Chuck's hired another blonde -- call the president -- ah Clinton, not Bush.

Cabinet Member: "Mr. President, Terry Fields the 2une In producer is missing."
Bush: "Ah, what's a 2une In? Is that a WMD or sumthin'? Well what country is he from? I need information before I can wage an assault of such stratacastic proportions to take him down."

But for the record, when this is over, I'lll have all of G.I. Joe, the first two seasons of He-man, and the second season of Thundercats, so get your blanket ready sweetheart.

Why is Patrick Perry always referred to as "A Crew". Can't we just say that, "We have Patrick headed over to the scene."? Seriously, does Patrick know that they usually refer to him as a "crew"? This has to stop.

True Story sparked by me discussing our work rat problem with one of my brothers:

Now anyone that knows me well knows about my brothers, and what they do. Well, Trai, the very high-strung, yet dependable one is a diesel mechanic; he builds both train and tug boat engines and makes turbo chargers for the huge diesel engines. Well, in their shop, they have what I can only call a rat problem. In his words the rats look like dogs and have name tags. Now, apparently there was this one huge rat that kept chewing holes through everything and they couldn't catch him, because in his old age he figured out how to "trip" the trap and get the food out without getting caught. So you know they couldn't have this and one thing I've learned is that its never a good idea to get too many mechanics with nothing to do with access to power tools and propane in the same place at the same time. Well, in an effort to catch this rat, one Friday my brother along with the rest of the guys in the shop invented "REDRUM". Now you're probably wondering what in the hell is "REDRUM". Well, "REDRUM" is one the biggest rat traps you can buy (probably like the one on the floor by Sylvia's desk), only they made it better -- they "tack-welded 6 single edged razors to it, put some meat in it and then left for the day. Monday morning, when they came back, there rat problem had been solved.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

B.R. Can't Be This Bad....

*Blog*

I knew it would only be a matter of time, but it looks like our good buddy Osama has shown back up. Yeap, that's right, Mr. Elusive himself came out of hiding to cut another audio track, that somehow "conveniently" made it's way to Al Jazeera, who later played it for the world. You'd think however, that our so called intelligence would investigate this T.V. station because like I asked one time before -- How are they getting the tapes? Hey guys, just a thought. But I don't know who produced this track though, but U.S. intelligence suspects it could have been Mike Jones...who? Mike Jones. Maybe next time instead of playing it on TV, they'll just send it to the radio station....

DJ Akmed: "Welcome back to the 106.6 -- Tha Desert, where we be dropping hits like bombs. As always, I'm your host, DJ Akmed Nahid. You just heard that new joint from Sand-Doon called "Too Many Bitches On My Camel". Coming up in the next hour you'll here new joints from M.C. Jihad and Candi-har. But right now we got a special track for you by Tha Man -- Osama, from his new CD entitled, "You'll Never Find Me". It's called, "Pimped Out Bunker". Let's have a listen."

(song plays)
"wpoanrpioejn plkdoiwmope wopemop hnpdjkv dfmkamghiprangk bfipaj biuaamnfoiahi bkearpoanofgernl gl;kamsdl;kdka dadgoimgopr arjopai -- die americans, die!!!"

DJ Akmed: "Ah, yeah. Sounds like we've got another hit on our hands people. As always, you can call in to let me know if you want me to "Blow It" or "Blow It Up". But until then here's a track from Nazir Klipz featuring Jay Z called "Get That Sand Off My Shoulda"

It was a very bad night to be out and about in Baton Rouge. Between 2:30am and 2:55am police where working one shooting, one potential shooting and a drive-thru altercation -- Two out of these three incidents were at a Jack In the Box.

- The first one happened right at 2:30am at the J.I.B. on Airline Highway. Now, apparently "Group A", driving a Honda Accord and "Group B", who drove up in a Toyota Tercel got into a "tiff" in the parking lot when someone from "Group B" pulled out a "G" and began "S'ing" at members of "Group A". Members of "Group A" then proceeded to pick up said group member and took him to the hospital where cops tracked them down.

- Around 2:37am, heard a call from the J.I.B. on South Foster and Government, where a woman was harassing people in the drive-thru. Never heard anything else from that one.

- Finally around 2:55 or so, someone called Police from The Waffle House on College drive where someone was threatening to shoot a waitress.

Worst Moment of the Morning:

TODD ROSS SINGING MILLI VANILLI'S "BLAME IT ON THE RAIN" DURING THE WEATHER TOSS AT 6AM. I will now pour 5 year old battery acid down my ears....

Call of the week:

A couple of days ago around 5:30pm, I got a call from Jared H. concerning a recent ... um ... robbery at his home. Now I've heard Jared complain about how bad his neighborhood was but I had no idea. Now, while going outside to move "the white shadow", Mr. Haden accidentally stepped in a "gift" that one of his four legged community members left for him. So before he came in, he left the shoes outside and came to work a short time later. He was gone for three hours and when he came back, someone had stolen his shoes. Someone stole a very old pair of "K-Swiss" covered in dog shit. How bad does your neighborhood have to be for someone to steal shoes covered in dog shit? I'm sorry Jared, buddy I had no idea.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Randy Watson"

*Blog*

Fema's been going crazy with the trailers since Katrina huh? I think trailers are their answer for everything. "The people are homeless. Let's send em' some trailers." or, "The schools are overcrowded because of all the displaced students, send em' some T-buildings." And just so all of you know, a "T-building" is a glorified trailer. This is not negotiable.

Landlord: "Hey Stu, your rent's due, motherf*cker! Now don't be pulling that falling down the stairs sh*t on me again, you hear! Now you conscious? Shit. Every month, the same damn thang."

Speaking of which, what's up with the idiots that stole the 230-thousand dollars worth of Red Cross disaster cards? Okay, now I say this, I don't condone it, but if you're gonna steal from the system, steal. But don't get greedy. Don't you think in all their infinite wisdom that the U-S government would eventually miss a quarter of a million dollars? And then on top of everything, they spent all the money in like four months? On, and I quote, "clothes, food, electronics, and expensive automobiles." Que? When you buy something like a car, unless you pay cash, they're gonna wanna know where the money is gonna come from. And I don't think you can get cash off of the cards, so you're trying to tell me that these people went to car lots with several "Red Cross" disaster relief cards and bought cars? Now if I'm not mistaken, those cards were like 2 grand or so, so if they went to buy a car they had to take about 10 or 15 cards with them. They didn't think that the people at the car lot would get a little suspicious when two people walked up with 15 Red Cross cards? Why are people so stupid? Now they're in jail.

Reverend Brown: "We have a special guest coming to the stage. You all know him as Joe the policeman, from the "What's Going Down" episode of "That's My Mama", ladies and gentlemen give it up for Jackson Heights own, Mr. Randy Watson!"

Had a crazy weekend. I was sitting at home watching playoff football with the Mrs. and had what can only be described as an asthma attack. Now I do have a history of asthma -- back in the day I had it bad, but it's been so long since I've had it, I didn't remember the whole, not being able to breathe and chest tightness. Not fun. But I couldn't die -- not before I knew the outcome of the Steelers/Colts game and because I have crappy insurance and I still haven't met my deductible.

Now a question for the United States government: "Can wrong information still be referred to as intelligence?" Sometimes I guess "intelligence" isn't always intelligent.

The little Korean lady that works the register at the Chinese restaurant by my house has been hitting on me. And I don't know about the rest of you, but there's nothing crazier than getting hit on in Broken English why you're waiting on your sesame chicken.

Lady: "Hel-ro there. Rong time no see?"
Terry: "Hi, how are you?"
Lady: "Haven't seen you in a while. U-ben workeeng rate?
Terry: "Yes ma'am."
Lady: "Ahhh, I see."

Okay this needs to be said, my anchors toss to break like shot-put throwers in the special olympics. I know that's mean and yeah I may go to hell for that comment, but that was the only way I could explain it.

Jared H. took the liberty this morning of answering the "Tough Questions" that News Two's Michael Marsh and Andrea Clesi are asking. Yes and No. And he didn't even get a promo.

Mayor Nagin apparently had a conversation with Dr. Martin Luther "The King", Jr. yesterday. Actually, Mayor Nagin had several conversations with the voices inside his head yesterday. In one speech, this man gave us, "God wants New Orleans to be a Chocolate city,""God sent the hurricanes there to clean up the city", and "I had an imaginary conversation with Dr. King". Now granted, I agree with the second one, but if I were Mayor, i'd have the sense not to say it while the "red lights" were on. I do believe that everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but when you're a public figure, you can't say things like that, well, why you're in public at least. Just dumb.

Only fitting:

Clarence: "I met Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. one time."
Sweets: "Man, you lyin'. You ain't never met no Martin Luther the King."
Clarence: "Yes I did, I walking down the street and a man jumped up off a bench and hit me in the chest! It was Dr. King! I said, Dr. King why you hit me? And he said, oops, I thought you was somebody else."
Sweets: "Man you ain't never met Dr. Martin Luther the King"
Clarence: "Yes I did!"
Sweets: "You didn't!"
Clarence: "Yes I did!"
Sweets: "No you did not!"

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

As Greedy As A Pig....

(1/11/06)
Things Heard on the Scanners

2:59am

Man says his wife is crazy and talking to dead people. Let's hope she's getting the answers from these dead people that she didn't get from New's Two's *insert any anchor or reporter name*.

11:26
An oriental male just called 9-11 and said he needed help -- after that they couldn't understand what he was saying. I wish to god i was making this up.

*Blog*

Craziest thing happened to me this morning as I was walking in. Started getting my stuff out of the "black beast" and was walking toward the building, when all of a sudden the bush buy the door started shaking -- a lot, and then I heard a noise like a sea otter getting raped by a polar bear. This went on for a good 10 seconds. I just stood there staring for about 3 minutes wondering if I should walk toward the door or jump in my car. I honestly have no idea what was in the bush, or how many, but I do know this ... Mama didn't raise no dummy -- I went in the other door. Just crazy. Just a typical 2une In shift I guess.


I heard they caught the mouse/rat that's been gallavanting around the station. I think that they think that this is Disney World because I've noticed that they tend to walk around here a little too freely. But in a conversation with someone yesterday, we came to the conclusion that this place is "bass-ackwards". This is the same place that regularly spends money on landscaping, new mugs, and mouse pads, when they have mice making beds in the building. Seriously. This has to be in violation of something. And these aren't cute little "lab rats", these bastards are 2 pound, furry brown, Katrina rats from N.O., but since they're living here they're officially displaced FEMA rats. I think I saw one the other day using one of those little plastic card keys that Jamie handed out. This has to be in violation of child labor laws or at the very least, my work release.

Random movie quote:

"Try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family, and have some real problems. Jack-ass!!"

We may soon hear this on AOL: "You've got STD's!!"

There's a new website on the net that emails people and alerts them if they've been "seeing" someone who has an STD. Honestly, who wants to be told that their partner isn't clean by way of an anonymous email?

"Dear Mr. Johnson,

The purpose of this email is to inform you that someone you've recently dated has tested positive for HIV.

Thanks,

Webmaster

This is an electronically generated message. Please do not respond. If you'd like to be taken off this mailing list, please follow the directions below."

What in the hell? But to be honest, if you have crabs, I think you'll pretty much know who you got them from -- unless you're just nasty.

Me and Todd will be on the witness stand one day soon. I can't say why, but Todd insists that he'll be badgered by Doug Moreau. I'll keep you posted. But on another note, Ross says that I can apparently go to the Walmart in Walker and garner enough material to write a very entertaining book -- with pictures.

Random conversation:

Todd: "What's the name of our insurance?"
Terry: "Shitty."

Seriously, I'm not trying to beat a dead horse or a live one for that matter, but do we have the worst insurance in the history of modern healthcare? If me and the Mrs decide to get married (and we're still here) and we decide to have a baby, I'll have to get her a damn midwife. I mean, this crap charges you for EVERYTHING and my personal favorite is when you go to the doctors office and hand the receptionist your card when it's time to pay up and she just stares at it, and then picks up the phone. She hangs up the phone, stares at the card a few more seconds and then asks, "Ah, where do you work?" This has happened to me three times.
--------------------------------

(1/12/06 )

I'm so freaking sleepy this morning. I feel like Superman after Lex Luther put that chain around his neck with the kryptonite on it and threw him in that pool. Only thing, I don't think a pretty lady will show up here and save my ass after she gives me a long passionite kiss. And what was up with that anyway? Does she realize that Louis almost died while she was trying to get her freak on with Superman in the pool? What if he couldn't have reversed the Earth's rotation and brought her back after she got sucked into the ground? Why am I the only person who thinks of this stuff? Let's just move on.

Apparently everyone thought my last blog was angry. I'm sorry Paul for calling you a bastard. Bastard.

Got my new radio yesterday and hooked it up in my driveway which took about an hour -- but it'll probably take me a month to figure out how to use it. I'm pretty sure Alpine sent me a computer. The damn thing doesn't even have basic "bass" and "treble" options -- everything just takes you to another advance setting. Just crazy. You can program a "welcome message" that will display every time you turn it on and I already know what my first one will say, "Houston, we have a problem."

Not that I wanna "off" anyone but here's an exchange from one of my favorite movies that's both funny and informative:

Brick Top: Your always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently, the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
Sol: Would someone mind telling me, who are you?
Brick Top: Then when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because there's no good in leaving it in a deep freeze for your mum to discover now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You gotta starve the pigs for a few days then the sight of a chopped up body would look like curry to a pissant. You gotta shave the head of your victim and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggy's digestion. You could do this afterwards of course but you don't wanna go sifting through pig shit now do ya? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to do the job in one sitting so be weary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs two-hundred pounds in about...eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of un-cooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression: "as greedy as a pig."

Why in the hell is everyone so worked up about Sammy Alito? Seriously, I don't know what's the big deal. You'd think he was Robert Wooley or something.

Okay, it's official, my anchors have stopped listening to me. I feel like a coach that's been coaching the same group of players for too long to the point where they just stop responding. If I were Phil Jackson, I'd put all three in the corner and force them to read Zen books. Or I can just quit and write one myself, "The Last 2une In: 3 Anchors In Search of Their Souls"

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Anakin Was Pushed

*Blog*

You know, reporters are real assholes. I'm watching this story on ESPN right now (1:42am) about a quadra-plegic who was hurt during a college hockey game. Okay, now he gives inspirational speeches and things and if they were doing the story on that, I'd say great, but during the interview the damn asshole reporter asked this kid, "So Travis, who wants to see you walk again the most?" What? How in the hell could you ask him something like that? And on top of this, they asked his father, "So, is he making any progress?" What in the hell do you think dumbass? The kid as a chair permanently attached to his ass and you come to his home after he was nice enough to agree to an interview with your ass and ask him some shit like that? Why am I the only one bothered by this? Damnit.

So, Paul asked my girlfriend the other day, "If Terry likes to barbecue so much, why does he like McRibbs?" Well it's like this, who in the hell do you know wants to light a fire to cook their food everyday before they eat? What in the hell do I look like a freaking caveman? Leif Erickson? John Paul Jones? Davey Crockett? Ringo Starr? I'm pretty sure you like drinking coffee but I don't see your ass driving that damn 4-Runner through the hills of Colombia getting it fresh and mountain grown from Juan's ass every time you want a cup. Bastard.

Why is Claire Cummings allowed to walk around society unsupervised? I'm serious. Now Claire, I thought your little "episodes" were cute at first, and I'm sure everyone agrees with me in saying that you're a helluva better alternative to the last newsroom squire, but honestly, you're starting to scare me. Does your fiance' sleep with one eye open? You probably think it's cute when he locks the door behind him after he goes in a room don't you? Do you have to find your cat just to feed it? These are questions I want answered by News Two's Michael Marsh. A blog is more than one line okay? A monkey can write, "Terry sucks, have a nice day everyone." and call it a blog. Good God. And for your information, I do watch all those shows I listed in my questions last week. I don't need you questioning my television viewing habits -- you're probably the only person in North America that took that serious. Maybe you should try watching a show on TLC I saw being advertised over the weekend called "Mind Studies: Psycho Ass Newsroom Assistants". Let's all put together and get Claire "Barbie Doll" Pez dispenser filled with Ritalin. That's should slow her down before she hurts herself.

But really, people just need to leave me alone. I haven't been this upset since Amidala kept toying with an obviously sexually frustrated Anakin Skywalker through the entire two and a half hours of Episode II, which I believe was one of the things that pretty much sent him over the top in the end. I know you might say to yourself, "Well Terry, didn't they eventually get married?" Well, yes, but little Annie's tolerance for bullshit wasn't what it once was by that time -- almost dying in a pod race, being taken from your mother at like 9 or so, only to find her about 10 years later and have her die in your arms, hairs growing in funny places, getting your ass kicked by an 80 year old Christopher Lee and having your hand chopped off by his light saber all before you turn 21 will tend to do do that to a man. Next, Lucas tried to make it look like Anakin was easily manipulated by Palpatine because he thought he'd show him how to save Padme' and if you believe that, then you're just as crazy as Claire. Yeah, he might have wanted to save her, but not for reasons you might think. Anakin wanted to save her because he didn't wanna be stuck taking care of that damn baby. Could you picture him chasing down General Grievous swinging his light saber wearing one of those little baby backpacks? Seriously, can you? I really don't think Yoda ran a Jedi daycare. "Hungry you are? Feed you I will." But with all that I just mentioned, the major slap in the face and a prime example of women using sex to get their way was this bullshit Amidala tried to pull, "Anakin, you're closer to the Chancellor than anyone, please ask him to stop the fighting." What? What kind of shit is that? And then on top of that, she got upset with him after he turned? "Anakin, you're breaking my heart!!" Well you know what b*tch, you started it. I know that kid held a grudge like those two black uncles at a family reunion, but seriously, can you really blame him for turning? 29 years, 6 movies, and $23 billion later, you know what I find the moral of this whole "Star Wars" saga to be? Just leave people the hell alone.

On a happier note, my new car audio stuff should be here in a day or two. This new equipment will replace the stolen equipment taken by the gutless sons-a-b*tches three days before christmas -- and my damn "Paul Wahl: People's Champ" that was in. Bastards. But can you say Carnegie Hall? I'm more excited than Jessie before they realized she was high on caffine pills. "I'm so excited!! I'm so excited!! I'm so ... Scared!!"

Speaking of which, what is A.C. Slater doing with his life right now? Or better yet, what made him get rid of the mullet? "Business in the front, party in the back!!" And white people everywhere are probably wondering how I knew that.

2 screwed up stories:

"A popular priest in thibodaux told his parish he's gay, but celibate. Reverend jim morrison says he has been working on a letter since october to tell 3-hundred members of his congregation and 2-hundred members of the student ministry about his sexuality.
Morrison says he has kept his vows of celibacy and isn't in a romantic or sexual relationship. Church officials say being gay isn't against catholic doctrine if celibate, so Morrison says he doesn't plan to resign."

How can you be gay but not sexually active or "romantically involved"? How do you know if you're into ... you know ... guys, if you've never ... attended a ... you know ... sausage fest? I don't get it.

"A hotel in new orleans evicted 100 katrina families with less than a week's notice. Fema says they didn't know the hotel was giving the boot to people whose bills were paid by the agency. They're sending a community relations team to the hotel to help evacuees find a new place to stay. Fema reminds people that hotel participation is voluntary."

Now how screwed up is this? But I'm wondering how they got the people out of their rooms at the same time. You know they didn't go to the rooms and put them out. They had to lure them out. What did they do, invite them all down for the continental breakfast and when they went back up their cards didn't work? Bastards.

Yeah I know this probably came across a little "attitudinal" in spots, that's because I was because I sleepy damnit.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Letting Go In 2006

*Blog*

One of my little buddies came back! When I got to work this morning he was waiting at the door. Good times.

There's a half bottle of something called "Odor-Be-Gone" in the bathroom and the "pressurized" toilet was stopped up. Okay, do I even wanna know what went on here last night? We should maybe keep an eye on every guy in the newsroom over the next few days to see if there are any gastro-intestinal problems, because if you have enough shit in you to stop up a pressurized toilet, your intestines cant be in good shape.

I got some good feedback from my "Heaven vs USC" blog the other day and low-and-behold those bastards lost last night and I don't think it was a coincidence either. So to everyone who bet on USC, I say, "I am sorry." And speaking of USC, apparently there were plenty of LSU fans rooting against them last night because these people are still somewhat bitter over that whole "split-national championship" thing. Here's a message to all of you -- GET OVER IT!! Yeah, granted when media folk were talking about USC's previous two national titles, they never mentioned LSU and I say so what? They're talking about 05', not 03'. If they were talking about that season almost three years ago, and didn't mention LSU, then you all would have a legitimate beef. But all I hear nowadays is "We're the real national champions because we won the BCS! USC won the AP award." Who the hell cares? TRoss made a good point the other day in saying that the AP is basically just a bunch of media people picking who they think is the champion, so we shouldn't put much stock into it. Now, this comment would have meant a lot if it had came from someone else, but in hindsight, I realized that a news anchor told me -- with a straight face, "Not to pay attention to the media, because they're full of shit." I think I'll take this into consideration on the next 2une In, as a matter of fact, I should run a crawl alerting our viewers, "Do not listen to any story Todd Ross reads, because he works for the media. For real news, read the paper and if you're still not sure pull a Claire Cummings and Ask Jeeves." LSU did win the National Championship in 03', and so did USC. It's as simple as that. Every morning when I wake up I'm still black, I don't need Lee Corso or Kurt Herbstreet to remind me of my blackness on a daily basis, so why should LSU fans have to be constantly reminded of their championship? 03' wasn't the first split national championship and it won't be the last. When the Tigers last won in 1958 it was a split championship that they shared with Iowa -- where the Tigers were the AP Champion. I don't hear Billy Cannon bitching and moaning, nor do I hear anyone mention Iowa when mentioning that 58' season. Suck it up.

Okay, the whole, "News Two Get's Answers" thing is starting to get a little annoying. Makes us sound like we're putting together "cheat sheets" for the State Exit Exam and the ACT. Okay, since everyone around here "allegedly" has answers, I've got some "tough" questions?

1. Why do cartoon characters wear shirts and no pants? And why when they take their shirt off , they cover their fronts?
2. Why do people believe what the hear on the news, but count their chicken nuggets before they eat them?
3. Why did it take so long for the Autobots to find the"transformation cog"?
4. Why was Scrooge McDuck so damn cheap?
5. Were Marge Simpson's sisters gay or straight?
6. Who is Eric Cartman's father?
7. Why has Veronica stopped keeping me up on the progress of the FEMA trailers?
8. When will McDonalds put the McRibb on the permanent menu?
9. Why do people ask you a question that you just answered? (I'm going to work. Oh you're going to work?)
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And my other pet peeve is this promo:

"News Two's --insert anchor name here--, only on WBRZ."

Where in the hell else would they be, Channel 9? Sometimes I wonder.

Saints fired Haslett the other day and I can't believe I didn't write about it. Now I was probably the most patient person in the state when it came to Haslett, Brooks and the Saints, but after this season, I have officially gave up on them (Haslett and Brooks). Now you're probably wondering why I picked this snakebitten Hurricane Katrina season to give up on them. Well, I didn't. I'm giving up on them because of Madden 06'. No matter what adjustment I made to the team on that damn game, they still sucked and the computer seemed to have a "pick" with Aaron. Throwing to receivers that were seemingly WIDE OPEN, only to have a Safety or Linebacker dive 10 yards across the field, pick it off, and run it back 75 yards was basically a sign from the football gods. I don't know, I've given up so I'll probably find someone with NCAA 06' and import Vince Young to my video Aints. But back to real-life, the Saints now have a coaching vacancy and I feel like I'm just as qualified as anyone to coach an NFL team; 15 years of playing Madden should at least qualify me to be a defensive coordinator, so why not try my luck at head coach? I promise you, I could go 9-7 at the very least with an XBox on the sidelines hitting the "Ask Madden" button. Someone should call Micky Loomis and tell him I'm available whenever they're ready.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

What If Heaven Had A Football Team?

*Lets everyone say a prayer for morning show director Tom Word and his family. Over the weekend his grandson had to have another heart surgery. So lets keep Tom and his family in our thoughts and prayers. Like they saying goes, you can never have too many people praying for you.*

*Blog*

Actual Call to the newsroom Yesterday:

"Tell Dave that he has a penis over Louisiana."

Okay. Some people have entirely too much time on their hands. Seriously.

Talk about no news, good God. We only had 2une In, and the 10 o'clock news yesterday so I only had one newscast to get stories from for 2une In. Anyone ever tried to fill a 2 hours show by taking stories from one 30 minute show? Sounds impossible? Well it felt like it. Apparently selling commercial spots this week was like trying to sell rice to the chinese to the Sales dept, because all my breaks were a minute shorter to further complicate my day. And on top of all that, my "al qaida news prognosticators" kept trying to highjack my rundown, making the day even more difficult. Oh well, at least we didn't have to show the Simpson's in the place of 2une In.

Rasha's Blog:

"I shot da sher-ruff, but I did not freeze my coke today..."

I haven't talked about Ashley R. in a while in Los Bloges. That's because Ashley has made great strides in her willingness to cooperate and "share" my desk. Let's hope she keeps this up. I'm pulling for ya A-Rod.

There's a show on Spike TV right now with this "physically well-endowed" chick on and they're talking about sex and groupies. Now I'm not calling this woman a groupie or anything, but she does have all the familiar symptoms. Anyway, the host of the show asked her how many guys has she slept with and she thought for a second and then said, "Um, around a thousand." A thousand? Que? Is that even possible? Now you're looking at someone who doesn't put much stock into things like Wilt-the-stilt's claim of sleeping with 25,000 women. I can't see it. I know he was one of those larger than life figures that not only women but men alike gravitated towards, but 25,000? Has anyone ever stopped to think about that number? But then again, nobody knows exactly how Wilt died (and till this day won't say), but he did dry up like a raisin before he died. Now I know we're living in society of double standards, insomuch that while Chamberlain was "praised" for allegedly sleeping with all those women, a woman who would have had the same claim would have been lambasted, but for anyone, man or woman to put themselves out there like that, with everything going around is like playing Russian roulette. I'll never understand people.

Random comment of the morning:

Tom W. : "Todd just moved to Livingston Parish. You give him one year, he'll be making his own crystal meth."

Sad story about the miners trapped up in West Virginia. Seems like it happens every year doesn't it. It's always 4 or 6 and it usually takes a couple of days to get them out. This time there's 13 poor souls trapped right now. Very sad. But since it's West Virginia, I halfway expected to see Chief Moose at the podium during the presser -- you remember, the black police chief from the Serial Sniper Investigation who sounded a lot like Tim Meadows in "The Lady's Man"?

(Ladies Man Voice) Moose: "Yeah, we are efforting the situation with miners as I speak, but the good news this morning is, we have apprehended the people responsible for the 13 sniper shootings in the area a few years back. And following the investigation, we all went back to my houseboat had sex and ate fish sandwiches. Remember, it's not the size of the boat, the motion in the ocean."

People are apparently buying tickets for the Rose Bowl at about 4-grand a pop. 4 thousand dollars to go watch a football game? Who's the quarterback, Jesus? Under no circumstances will I ever pay that much to watch a football game or any sporting event for that matter. People are crazy. But what if Heaven had a football team? Who would pay to see them play and how much would they pay ? Can you put a price on salvation? Now with all this talk going around about USC and all that "Greatest College Football Team of All-Time" stuff floating around, do you think they could beat a team coached by God? Who would you get to call a game of such monumental proportions? Maybe John Madden? Maybe we could dig up Pat Sumrall? I think so.

Pat: "Welcome back to The Revelations Bowl, where we're live from the Coliseum in Rome, Italy. Heaven is leading USC 73 - 3, with a little over 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter. Right now Heaven's trying to protect the lead and ice the game . Before we went to break the trainers were working on Jesus following the hit he took from Judas who came blitzing from the blind side."
John: "I don't think we'll see him again today. He took a pretty nasty hit that knocked the ball loose, but luckily Moses recovered to prevent the turnover."
Pat: "Looks like you're right John. Job, the backup quarterback is warming up over on the sidelines."
John: "Pat, I really like this kid, he's very patient and doesn't get rattled very easy and that'll come in handy facing this USC team."
Pat: "All he has to do is manage these last two minutes and keep the ball away from USC's offense and they'll take home the win. The trainers are coming off the field and it looks like Jesus is walking off under his own power. Looks like he'll be fine."
John: "He'll take a much deserved seat, following the day he's had, going 35-for-37 for 742 yards and 8TDs with no picks."
Pat: "John, Coach God and his coordinators, the Three Wisemen, called an excellent gameplan today, holding USC's Reggie Bush to minus 42 yards rushing and Matt Leinart to a dismal 12-of-50 and 7INT's, all picked off by the safety, Lot. Looks like we're ready to begin."
John: "All they have to do is run the clock out Pat."
Pat: "Job's at QB now, Joshua and Daniel in the backfield, Moses wide out left, Cain right and Abel's in the slot."
John: "They could run any play out of this formation, but Pat I don't see why they just don't run it."
Pat: "Well, I can't speak for you John, but I for one am not going to question God. It's 2nd and 3 on Heaven's 15 yard line."
(cut to the field)
Job: Blue 23 Psalms!! left 15 Proverbs...hut....hut,hut...hut!!!
(Job get's the play off.)
Pat: "Job with the fake handoff to Daniel ... looks for a receiver ... he eye's Abel downfield ... lets it fly ... and Abel takes it in at the 40 and he's still going....
John: "Pat he's got some blocking by Moses ... just look at him take out the defenders...parting the seas for Abel ... 10...5...Touchdown!!"
Pat: "Just a beautiful play, perfect execution ... John ... just look at this blocking by the lineman Cephas, Hagar, and Elijah. Just giving Job all the time in the world..."
John: "And just look at the patience by Job....just waiting all day for Abel to break away from the defender and then hit's him in stride for the 85 yard TD...."
Pat: "Wait a second John ... there's a little skirmish happening over on Heaven's sideline...looks like Cain and Abel..."
John: "You know what Pat...I think that Abel's a little upset over the lack of blocking on his TD by Cain. If we can roll the tape...look at this Pat...Kinda looks like he just quit on the play."
Pat: "There've been rumors all year that Cain is a little upset over God's play calling, feeling like he should get the ball a little more. I sure hope they get this resolved before it escalates."
John: "And Pat, you're right. If these two can't coexist, one of them may have to go."

How much would you pay to see that game?

Just my .02, take it or leave it.