Let's Catch Some Crocs...

Things Heard On the Scanners

2:10am
Lady called 9-11 because she says her neighbor is performing "witchcraft" on her. I don't even have a comment.

2:12
Someone ran over a girl's leg at J-I-B -- on Choctaw and Airline. If someone said land-mines went off or Zacarias Moussaoui was selling surface to air missiles in the parking lot of that J-I-B, I wouldn't even bat an eyelash.

*Blog*

If this place was the movie "Titanic", which part of the movie would we be in right now? Would the ship be taking on water while the band plays on, or will Carisma and I be floating down the mississippi laying on top of the big door?

Don't remember if I mentioned this or not in previous editions of "Los Bloges", but I saw the most disturbing commercial I'd ever seen this morning -- an advertisement for "Guys Gone Wild". And what's so crazy is, I'm not even making this up. Now we've all seen the GGW commercials for years, but this new shit features everything in Girls-GW, but only guys. Okay, now excuse me while I go poor bleach in both eyes.

Why is it, that when I'm out in public, people ask me for the strangest things. Now when i say people, I mean, the residency-challenged. But last week, when I made my once-a-weekly drive down to the Highland road Circle K, I got out of the black beast and heard someone call me. Some girl, probably in her late 20's or early 30's, called me to her car. The exchange went like this:

Girl: "Hey boy, come here."
TF: "What?"
(She holds up one of those "Jack Daniels" alcoholic lemonades)
Girl: "Can you buy me another one of these?"
TF: "Ah, all I have is my check card."
(I walk in the store, get my stuff and walk out)
Girl: "Hey, can you buy me one of these? Oh, I asked you already didn't I? (looks at my bags) I thought you didn't have any money?"
TF: "I told you all I had was my check card."
Girl: "Oh, well, give me a dollar."
TF: "No."

Joke Niccy found on the net:

"Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records."

Conversation between Niccy and I:

Niccy: "God, I have the worst stomach ache."
Terry: (in my Ah-nald voice) "It might be a tu-mah."
Niccy: "No, it were those three rubber jelly beans I ate."

Questions for news two's Michael Marsh, who's getting me answers:

1. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
2. Why does the word "lisp" have an "s" and a "p" in it?
3. Do all dogs really go to heaven?

New Fun Game:

While sitting in the control room during 2une In, I had what alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity", or my daily "M-O-C", and I came up with a new game called, "Make The Anchors Stumble". In my nearly five years of producing, I've found that anchors hate pronouncing long words. I mean, I've written a script and I've had anchors do everything from put another word in place, to skip over the particular word all together. So fellow producers, in light of this, I realized the way to get your favorite anchor to read your "make me sound smart" big word, and coincidentally stumble, is to bury it in the middle of a long script. So producers, try this, next time you're in the middle of writing a long script, just randomly throw in these lines:

"....and Christopher's chrysanthemum was persuasively perverted."
"....and the conflicting conclusions were inconclusive."
"....the jell-o pudding pops were pleasingly pleasurable"
"...osteo-preposterous"
"....balloon sinu-plasty."

If you're bored, working at another station because of a hurricane, or it's your last day, go ahead, have some fun. Now I'm not saying that I've tried this or know anyone who has. I'm just throwing out suggestions.

If Paul and Niccy ever decided to have a kid, I swear that kid would come out a cross between "Tweet" on "South Park" and the "Tasmanian Devil". And that wasn't even a joke, that was just an observation.

Random Control Room comments:

"The people on HGTV have more money invested in their yards, than I have in my whole house. "I think I'll ad some new shrubs, let's spend 70-thousand dollars."

"The stars at night, are big and bright, deep in the heart of taxes."

"I think now that I have a more flexible work schedule, I'll go to Pennington and get in one of those programs, earn some extra cash. They got programs that pay you if you're fat or something. Give you some pills to see how you react. Give you some X, see what it does to you."

"That's hard hobbit to break."

"This is payday, nobody has any money."
"But you're in the high paying T.V. industry."

"We really need some rain for the easter weekend. Kids can't have an easter egg hunt because it's so damn hot. They'll go outside and start spontaneously combusting looking for the eggs."

Random Commercial Spot Opening Line that we've been running:

"Can you hear, but you can't understand?"

Well, trappers have finally caught the gator that's been "terrorizing" the LSU lakes. Yeah, they say although it hadn't hurt anyone, it was too big and when they caught it, they have to kill it. Now, coincidentally, out friend was feeling somewhat frisky, and decided to crawl out of the lake, into someone's yard. So wildlife and fisheries called in a trapper and that was that. Now we have about 40 to 50 pounds of tail meat from the 200-plus pound gator, about three leather jackets, and some really nice boots. But who did they call and why didn't we have a camera out there? I could've went something like this:

(throw up: "exclusive only on News Two super and leave it up the whole time)

TR: "Good morning everyone, I'm Todd Ross and we're live at the LSU lakes for this very special edition of 2une In. And for weeks, people living on are around the lakes have reported seeing an alligator. Witness accounts put the reptile from 6 to 20 feet long, and between 250 and 2,000 pounds. So in an effort to trap and destroy the gator, officials with Louisiana Wildlife and Fisheries brought in the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Erwin. Good Morning Steve."
SE: "Mornin' Todd! Got real good Croc-huntin' weather down here in south Louisiana aye?"
TR: "Ah, yeah, I tell my wife that all the time. Now just a couple of questions Steve. First off, you're known throughout as the crocodile hunter, but right now, you're hunting an alligator. Do you think that will cause any problems?"
SE: "I'd say no Todd. As long as I can get close enough to the little bugger to jam my thumb up his butthole, we should be fine."
TR: "Okay, that's good Steve. Now, do you think that the alligators are a problem here in south Louisiana?"
SE: "No, Todd."
TR: "Okay, Steve, so what are you gonna do today."
SE: "Well Todd, we're gonna catch some of these king crocs you got runnin' around down here."
TR: "Great, so let's get started."
SE:"Now what I'm gonna do today is look in all the usual places for that pesky reptile. And when we find him, I'm gonna sneak up on him and jam my thumb up his but-hole -- see can I piss-em off...."
(he starts walking around)
SE: "Wait a minute, what that ova there...."
TR: "Do you see him?"
SE: "No, but i see a very large pile of south Louisiana fire ants! Let come over here and stir em' up, see can I piss em' off a little."
(he grabs a stick and starts poking at the mound, and the ants start coming out."
SE: "Ah, there ya go. Look at that. Just beautiful -- look at the little critters go!"
TR: "Remember folks, this is exclusive, you'll only see this on news two!"
(Steve just takes off running and just dives in the lakes)
SE: "Aye!! There he goes, that goddamn king croc over there! Cry-kee!! Look at the size of em!"
(He wrestles with the alligator a few minutes and then both he and the alligator go under water.)
TR: "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh, both Steve and the gator have went underwater! They are both underwater! Are we getting this? I hope you're seeing this at home! I think he's dead, ladies and gentlemen, the crocodile hunter, Steve Erwin has died, and you saw it here, exclusively on news two!"
(The gator's body floats up and Steve jumps up out of the water)
TR: "Ladies and gentlemen, Steve is alive! He's alive! Contrary to what you heard a few seconds ago, he is in fact, alive and well. Let's go over and see if we can get a word with him.
(Steve walks up out of the water up to Todd holding the mic in his face.)
TR: "Steve, describe to the viewers what just happened."
SE: "Well Todd, people out here by the lakes were afraid to leave their homes because of this little guy. I took matters into my own hands and took him out. It's not all fun and games with the king crocs out there. Sometimes it's a matter of l-ife, and death, and this time I lived, that fella got the death sentence."
(He starts crying and walks off.)
TR: "No doubt, a very emotional day for Steve Erwin, the crocodile hunter. Sometimes he's called upon to save lives. Very emotional. But coming up in the next half hour of 2une In, How would you like to increase the size of your penis and get rid of that embarrassing foot odor at the same time? We'll show you how coming up in the next half of 2une In. Stay tuned."

Or something like that. It could happen. Just my .02, take it or leave it.