Goddamn Loch Ness Monster...

*Blog*

Good morning people....
I'd like to start today's edition of "Los Bloges" off a little different. Today, I'm gonna start the blog off with a prayer. I even named it -- the News Two Employee prayer. Here goes nothing...

"Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly, far, far away from here......" That's not it, wrong one. Here it goes:

"Dear God, help!!! I promise if you bless me with winning this weekend's lottery jackpot, or selling a screenplay, I will give large amounts of my winnings to the church, the children and the community. I swear on all that is sacred that I will help the homeless, build a youth center, and buy spinning rims for every school bus in East Baton Rouge Parish. Amen."

Just for the record, Niccy Whiteman has the whitest foot I have every seen on a human being. I swear, it looks like she tied a rope around her ankle to cut off the blood flow. Did you get bit by a snake?

PCDI Commercial just came on with this little black lady asking everyone the question, "What would you do with an extra $200,000 a year?" Well, after much pondering and debating, I came up with a list.

1. Monkey
2. A nice hat
3. A nice suit to match my hat (see number 2)
4. Some comfortable white socks
5. A big white couch

Security Guard Bob was very fascinated with the paper shredder this morning. Just thought I should mention that.

Todd Ross told me a very intriguing story of an "Obese" woman at the Walmart in Walker. Well apparently, this woman was in one of those little "hov-around" motorized chairs heading into the store from the parking lot when for some reason it just goes out. And what does this woman do after her motorized chair goes out? She just sits there -- while cars continue backing up behind her eventually, in Todd R's words, shutting down the whole Walmart. So what would you do if someone was blocking the driveway at Walmart? Same thing they did, you'd honk your horn and that's what allegedly went on for 3 to 4 minutes after this lady's chair went out on her. So what did she do? She looked back and threw her hands up as if to say, "What do you want me to do?". So while all of this was going on, Todd began to wonder if the lady was either lazy, or just physically unable to walk. But he didn't have to wonder too long, because this nice obese Walker woman, who'd sat in her broken down "hov-around" in one of the parking lot driveway's at Walmart, essentially shutting the store down, got up out of her chair, and pushed it into the store. So you're probably wondering what the moral of this story is? Well, it's simple, people in Walker are assholes.....

Some Serious Thoughts Hurricane Evacuees:

*Some* hurricane evacuees are complaining -- again. This time about their latest "Free" service being taken away. Yesterday the one's living at the trailer village up in Baker had their last "free" hot meal. Now I didn't know this, but since being put up in the trailers, these people have been getting three hot meals -- everyday, for free. Now, please do not take this the wrong way, as my heart does go out to any and everyone affected by the storm, but this is just ridiculous. I'm not talking about everyone, because there are people who are working to better their situation, some of them are old, and some are disabled, but a great majority are sitting on their asses. In two years after the storm, they'll be getting a free place to stay, $2k a month, free utilities, and free meals up until last night. Why in the hell are they complaining? What more do they want? As the saying goes, God only helps those who try to help themselves, and there are plenty of people living in these trailer communities sitting on their asses waiting for handouts when they could be down in N.O. helping to rebuild their city. We see them on TV complaining everyday about not being able to go home, but what are they doing to help speed up the process? I know they weren't prepared for all of this; no one was, but they can't expect it all to be done for them. Don't understand

Apparently, President Bush is in the news again. It looks like his old buddy Scooter Libby told prosecutors that old "Dubya" told him to leak parts of "Highly Classified" intelligence to a reporter to get the heat off himself and his Iraq policy. Well. Has their been one good story coming out of this man's administration over the last few years or the republican party for that matter? I swear, I haven't seen a group this shakey since the 2004 Kansas City Royals pitching staff.

(Toss to break)

***TRADE***TRADE***TRADE****
(sports ticker) "WBRZ and WAFB have ageed to a trade in principle. WBRZ will send Tony Jones and reporters to be named later to WAFB for Greg Meriwhether and cash"

(Back to the blog)

What in the hell happened to Bill Cosby? He's been very pissed off lately and I think it has something to do with the fact the we haven't been seeing any "Jell-ooo Pudding" commercials on T.V. Can someone look into this? Lets get some answers people.

According to experts, the Formosan Termite is the most destructive insect in Louisiana. You could have fooled me. I always thought the mosquito claimed that that title. Last time I check they were giving people West Nile left and right; got fools dropping like hot cakes. I think that report needs to be reevaluated. Michael Marsh, get me some damn answers.

South Park went too far for poor Isaac Hayes, when they made fun of his precious Scientology and it's founder, L. Ron Hubbard. And because of this, we'll no longer have "Chef" on "South Park", at least as we know him, but that's not the thing that bother's me the most. The thing that bother's me the most is the fact that we'll no longer hear from Chef's parents, Thomas and Nellie. So in honor of two of the funniest characters ever on the show (other than the Shitty-Wok guy), here you go:

Thomas: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
Stan: No, that's okay.
Thomas: Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water.
Nellie: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!"
Thomas: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes,
Nellie: Oh, it was so scary!
Thomas: -and I yelled. I said, "What do you want from us, monster?!" And the monster bent down and said, "…Uh I need about tree-fitty."
(silence)
Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
Thomas: Three dollars and fifty cents.
Nellie: Tree-fitty.
Stan: He wanted money?
Thomas: That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
Nellie: I gave him a dollar.
Thomas: She gave him a dollar.
Nellie: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Thomas: Well of course he's not gonna go away, Nellie! You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more

Just my Tree Fitty, take it or leave it.