"Cutlass, Monte Carlo's, and Regals Man...."

Things Heard on the Scanners

1:12am
Man says he can't sleep because the devil's inside of him. But I think it's probably gas.

Actual Scanner Exchange Heard by Rasha last Night:

"Dispatcher: Need you to respond to 6773 Lemonwood across from Greenwood and Woodlawn. A 33 year black male says he's been stabbed.
*Deafening Silence*
Dispatcher: No more units available?
*Deafening Silence*
Dispatcher: Need you to respond to 6773 Lemonwood across from Greenwood and Woodlawn. A 33 year black male says he's been stabbed in the chest and don't think he's gonna make it. Says he knows who stabbed him.
EM-4: "Is that public housing?"
*Silence*
EM-4: "Is that 67 or 76?"
Dispatcher: "67"
EM-4: "Okay. That's not gonna be housing." Unit's en route to Lemonwood.
(About 30 minutes later... )
Police officer to police dispatcher: Please notify EMS, the unit going down Lemonwood, their back door is open. I can see the patient in the rear. It looks like he could fall out."

In the words of Rasha and Public Enemy, "911 is a joke".


*Blog*

Okay, I have a couple of corrections to make from yesterday's blog. Mr. Manship's assistant's name is John Guidry, not Guillory. Elasti-Girl had three kids,not two, and Scarlett was banging Snake-Eyes, not the aforementioned Duke. The G.I. Joe information comes from my good buddy John Walton, coming to you live from Syracuse, N.Y.

Actual work email -- just a strange story all around:

"Derrick just returned from the scene. He says, as a precaution, police cuffed the two fishermen (just in case they had any involvement) while they searched the area for the 2 men who a crack head witnessed being lynched in the middle of the Amite River? Work with me people. The fishermen were later uncuffed and released. Derrick has video of this. 9 was there 2. I really can't see anything coming from this other than a lawsuit from the fisherman against EBR Sheriff and the accusing crack head."

Okay, what? I didn't know Tyrone Bigguns was in the area last night. I'm sure he was drinking a "Red Balls" and his crack pipe was still warm. Sucks for the fisherman though (if this doesn't turn out to be a story and they really were fishing.), I mean could you imagine out on the river minding your own business when a crackhead runs up to you with two sheriff's deputies and says he saw you kill two people?

Claire Cummings has finally put her "Anti-Terry" blog on the internet that she's been promising for quite some time now -- http:\\terrysucks.blogspot.com. , but you don't have to click on the link to read it. Here it is.

"Thus begins my attack on Terry! Blog this my friend! and p.s. it's John Guidry not John Guillory"

That's it. That's all she wrote. Now, what's so funny is, that I haven't written anything about CC in about a week and she decided to post a blog about me. What can I say -- I'm flattered? But I'm wondering, what the interview process was now for the "newsroom assistant". Did they leave her in a room for two hours to see if she could put all the round and square pegs into the right holes? I don't know, but I think I'll come up with another web blog called http:\\clairecummingsisoffherfreakingmeds.org or something to that nature. I'll get started on that this weekend. And on another note, Claire's cat has a blog as well (seriously) which is called,
http:\\myownerisreallyoffhermeds.org. And I know this will sound a lot like a four year old, but Claire, if I suck, then you don't tie your own shoes and you can't read good. Damnit. And by they way, shouldn't you be pulling your weight?

Apparently, word going around the station is that my girlfriend has me wrapped around her finger, or to put it like a couple of people put it, "she has me hooked". Look people, "hooks" are for fish and Christmas ornaments. If I'm in love with my girlfriend, I just am. Doesn't mean she walks all over me or anything, I just care about her. Is there a law against that? Is everyone so unhappy with who they're with or not with that when they see two people just happy being with each other, one has to be quote/unquote "whipped"? But truth is, I won't officially be wrapped around her finger until I start purchasing vehicles... ;-).

"Cutlass, Monte Carlo's, & Regals, man,

To Surburbans, Expeditions, with the T.V.'s playin...'''

Chris Stevens in his fifth and final day of filling in for Dave "I said Katrina wasn't hitting Louisiana" Nussbaum (he did, someone pull the tape, but in his defense she did turn), and gave his Peach Bowl forecast. But he keeps saying that the temp will be 52 degrees with a slight chance of rain at game time but aren't they playing in the Georgia Dome, where it's always 72 degrees and covered? Should someone have mentioned this to him? Also, something to add to the "Chris Steven's Pantheon" of quotes, which already features such classics such as "Titney Vann" and "I-10 at Mirb (miss. river bridge)", "Today's high will be in the lower upper 70's". Just thought I should mention this.

Not exact, but as much as I can remember -- Sports Guy quote:

"I had a dream that I was in Las Vegas and walked by a Craps table and noticed Aaron Brooks standing there. He was firing the dice between three people."

The Saints last game is this week. Dave D. thinks they should "tank" it to improve their draft position. For what? The Saints had only one good draft that I can remember and that was three years ago. Every draft that I can remember before or since has been a disaster. If they should get a top 3 pick does anyone really think they'll take Bush or Leinart. Granted, they don't need Bush because they have Deuce, but do you really think they'll draft with competence this year? No, they'll take a tackle. Whether ist offensive or defensive, they'll take a tackle, i.e., someone they don't need. Just terrible.

We ran a story on tourism in Baton Rouge and someone in here said that he wasn't aware that we had any tourist attractions here. Well we do, they are the EBR Parish Prison, Earl -K- Long, and the Jack in the Box on Airline Highway and Choctaw. I swear that place is more dangerous than Bosnia. But coincidentally, people who frequent that JIB will usually end up at one of the first two places mentioned -- sometimes both.

"'87 Regals, Impala's, Cherokee's

Expeditions, Benzes, Navigator, Humvee's...

What dawg? Cut dawg, on 17's...

Wood grain, 15 double o...

Me and Rabid on momos, lord, bless his soul.

Now we ridin' up the block, the Caravan....

Expeditions and Surburbans with the T.V.'s playin."

With all the successful Chinese restaurants here in America, me and the mrs were wondering the other day if we could move over there and open up "American Food" restaurants? If we can flock to these buffets that feature sweet and sour chicken, seasame chicken, egg rolls and chicken wings, wouldn't it only be fair if they flocked to my buffet to partake in my Barbecue, fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, potatoes rice and and gravy? It's only right. I think this should be discussed by the Bush administration during next year's G-8 Summit. I'll get right on this.

Tom W.: "This was the best three quarters of 2une In I've ever been a part of. I think after the show I'll consume a case of Ale"

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

The Flux Capaciter and Cartoon Women

*Blog*

I got my weekly/regular call from Rasha this morning at around 3am because of my inability to produce "daily" blogs nowadays. I promise it will get better. I've just been so tired lately. Don't be mad at me Rasha. But in my defense, I have no news today, so this show will have more packages than UPS.

Can we get an inflatable producer like the "auto-pilot" on the movie, "Airplane"?

Actual news story:

"Police are looking for a brazen gunman that robbed a grocery store in north baton rouge in broad-daylight. It happened at "the piggly wiggly" on Choctaw near North 38th street. Witnesses say a man wearing a ski mask jumped on the store counter... pointed a gun at the clerk and demanded money. They say they were stunned. After taking the money, the robber ran into some nearby woods. Police are reviewing the store surveillance video looking for clues."

Okay, okay, okay. Witnesses were stunned? No shit. And after taking the money, the robber ran into some nearby woods? Alright, now if I read that right, this was the store on Choctaw at North 38th. For those of you who don't know, this is in the damn dead center of the "hood", an area I frequented during my high school days, but I'm wondering, where in the hell are there woods? Did they mean "hood" instead of "woods"? It woulda made more sense to me if they'd said the robber escaped in a Delorean driven by Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox. I wonder did they have any trouble with the "flux-capaciter"?


Staying with shady stories now....

To no one's surprise, the cops in New Orleans say that the shooting of that knife-wielding man on Monday was justified. They say that the officers felt "threatened" when Mr. Hayes allegedly lunged at one of them with the knife. So they fired about nine warning shots in the air that all coincidentally landed in Mr. Hayes stomach and chest area. Now granted, the victim was a Schitzo, but did they really have to shoot him nine times? No they didn't, but they did and they're getting away with it. There are dirty cops, dirty ass cops, f*cking bastards with badges (*cough* BRPD *cough*), and then there's the NOPD.

I found out this morning that John Guidry's last day is today. Now some of you may be wondering who in the hell is JG? Well, he's our bosses close-personal-assistant. Now since I'm pretty sure that this kid makes more money than Kip Holden, does anyone think Chuck would take it personal if I applied for the position? If you're reading Mr. Manship, I was wondering if you would possibly consider me for the position. Think about it, you could have your own personal blog, only you won't have to read it like everyone else, I can sit in my little chair off in the corner of your office and just randomly blurt out incoherent little one liners for 8 hours. How does that sound? Now, I know I look big but I don't take up much space and I don't eat as much as you'd think. Producing has become rather strenuous and looking at how happy I am working for your company, I would like to stay on in a different capacity. So should I send a resume' or just try and catch you before lunch?

Rasha's Blog:

"Fight the power!! We got to fight the power!! Fight the power!!! We got to fight the powers that be!!!"

Realized this morning that Niccy, Lindsey, and I are all going straight to hell in a FEMA trailer. But if Niccy and Paul are married, he has to come too -- because in the eyes of god, they are as "one".

Apparently all you have to do to get some money is request it from the Government. Everyone who's requested money from the government has gotten at least some of it. Now some of you are probably saying, "Hey, I applied for FEMA and didn't get it." I'm not talking about "Applying for FEMA", no, I'm talking about "requesting money from the Federal government" -- just like all the State, City and Parish governments, and countless businesses and organizations. I've seen stories where these people have asked for $10 millon, $20 million, $50 million, etc. And they're not getting all of it, but they're at least getting some of it. So why can't I "request" some?

Government request:

"Yeah um, Congress, yeah, Terry Fields here and I have a request. A tree fell about two miles from my house during Katrina and it hasn't been removed, and over the last four months it's made my drive to work a little unpleasant, so the people in my neighborhood are requesting $15 million dollars for several unforeseen. We'll send the proper forms in triplicate. Thanks."

Hey, it could work.

Random Cartoon Comments:

Everyone seems to forget that Barney and Betty Rubble had an adopted son. Bam-bam. But Bam-bam was much too strong to be for Barney's weak-ass so I came up with this theory. Betty had an affair -- with Captain Caveman. It made sense. Her and BR were having problems so she went to live with her mom for a year, and during this time she had this on-again/off-again fling with CC and end up getting KU'd. So she carried the baby to term, gave it up for adoption, worked out to get her figure back, and called up Barney to reconcile. Five months later Betty wanted a little one, went to the adoption agency, picked out this "strange" child and that was that. But no one will call Betty on this cause she was hot. Yeah I just called a cartoon "chick" hot, and I'm not the only one. So I think it's time to come up with a list of, the "The Finest Cartoon" chicks of all-time. Here you go:

1. Firestar (Spiderman and His Amazing Friends) - Spiderman and Iceman's platonic
;-) female friend that just so happened had the power to shoot fire balls/beams. Now listen, a lot of you probably don't remember her, but this girl almost seemed real. But she was only hot in her "superhero" costume for some reason. The hottest cartoon chick in my humble opinion.

2. Lady Jay (G.I. Joe) - Never showed much, very classy, but shirt was always open down to the "cleavage" button. Carried a bow. Pretty sure she was banging Flint.

3. Betty Rubble (The Flinstones) - Housewife that couldn't cook or clean but was hot so Barney didn't complain. Went to Wilma (who was the COMPLETE opposite) with any and all domestic questions.

4. Baroness (G.I. Joe) - Very evil russian scientist. Always wore black "cat-suit" and carried whatever she could blow the hell out of you with. Definitely banging Destro who in hindsight sounded a lot like Sean Connery.

5. Daphney (Scooby Doo) - Dumb as dishwater but she no doubt holds a soft spot in the hearts of young boys (who are now in their 30s) all over the country.

6. Elasti-Girl (The Incredibles) - Housewife with the power to stretch her body like elastic. Gained weight after three kids but it went to all the right places.

7. Scarlett (G.I. Joe) - Complete opposite of Jay, firery red-head, carried a cross-bow. Probably banging Duke. I know you're probably wondering how I could rank Baroness and Jay higher. Well, Jay was very classy while Baroness had that russian accent.

8. Betty Boop - Latino breasts and a black girl ass, Korean accent(?), need I say more.

9. Helen Bennett (Bionic Six) - Could foresee the dangers in future, make holograms to make enemies confused, or read other person's mind. But could she bake?

10. Cheetara (Thundercats) - Carried a bow, toyed with our lead character Lionel's emotions, was probably banging Panthro, but was hot nonetheless.

11. Jubilee (X-men) - Cute mutant girl with a power that I can't really explain. Always wore a yellow rain coat and sunglasses on her head for some reason.

12. Jem (Jem and the Holograms) - Pink Hair, high skirt, had a rock group. Guys secretly watched this show although I'll be the only one that will openly admit it almost 17 years later.

13. She-ra (She-ra Princess of Power) - Probably should be higher, I know, but she wouldn't give He-man any "ak-rite".

14. Dr. Aki Ross (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within) - Not sure if she was Black, White, or Asian but she had a ghost living inside her chest and wore form fitting clothes throughout the entire movie, and this made her sexy. In fact, I think I'll go home and watch this.

15. Britanny (Alvin and the Chipmunks) - Hey, I know she was a chipmunk, but she was cute none the less. Don't know if her and Alvin ever hooked up or not.

16. The Princess (Captain N The Gamemaster) - Don't remember too much about the show, except that the kid had an "NES" game controller around his waste and could only fire like 6 shots with his gun and the princess was cute.

17. Ms. Demeanor (C.O.P.S) - The name says it all.

18. Gadget (Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers) - I know she was a mouse hanging out with two chipmunks, another mouse, and a fly but hey, let's give credit where credit is due.

19. Jan (Space Ghost) - Never really took her mask off, had a strange relationship with her brother, and hung out with a monkey. But if you're cute, you're just cute.

20. Sonya (Heathcliff) - Yeah I know she was an animated cat but she was cute anyway damnit.

I know I left plenty off, but that's all I could think of on short notice. Hey what can I say, it's early in the morning and your mind wonders at times.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Cooking Segments

Things Heard on the Scanners

4:50am

Someone says their christmas tree was on fire on Woodruff Ave -- but it's out now. Al-right.


*Blog*

You know, I think the most annoying thing facing us today as not only a country but as a world is not terrorism, or crime, or even the economy. Well what is it Terry? I tell you what it is. It's the assholes in Hollywood who wait until you buy a DVD to come out with a special extended edition a month later. Now if they tell you about it ahead of time, cool, I don't have a problem with that, but don't let my happy ass pay $20 for a dvd today with NO FEATURES today, only to come out with one that has everything in it but free McRibb vouchers in it in less than two weeks that nobody had any idea about. This shit happened to me with Pulp Fiction, Underworld came out, same shit happened, and now, I'm looking at "Cinderella Man" and now I find out that nearly four years after the DVD came out, they're coming out with an all new "Gladiator" with 20 minutes of additional footage. Que? Bastards.

I wonder just how many family members in Baton Rouge and surrounding areas got "Snow Globes" for christmas this year. Just plain wrong.

Odd Story of the Day:

"An alaska airlines jet made an unexpected landing in seattle Tuesday after a foot-long hole developed in the fuselage. The hole caused the plane to lose cabin pressure and forced it into a 26-thousand foot emergency descent. None of the passengers or crew were hurt and the plane landed safely. The plane had just taken off from seattle-tacoma international airport and was en route to Burbank, California. A ramp woker at sea-tac airport acknowledged that he bumped the plane at the gate Monday with a baggage cart or baggage-belt machine and failed to immediately report it."

Okay, what? How can you not "immediately report" running into a plane with your baggage cart? Seriously, how?

Supervisor: "Hey Matthew, did you see anything wrong with the plane when you were loading the baggage?"
Matthew: "No, everything looked fine when I was out there boss."
Supervisor: "You sure?"
Matthew: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Oh ... wait, you know what? I may have hit it with my truck just before it took off. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I did. I'll be at lunch. Talk to you when I get back."

And on top of that, I hope everyone saw the video from it, because the people on that plane were as calm as Hindu cows. If I were on a plane and they'd just discovered a hole in the bottom, i'd be crapping my pants, praying, and calling my mom all at the same time. These people were (while the oxygen masks were dangling like participles) reading books, joking, ordering cokes, and I think watching the in-flight movie. Very strange.

Nothing against Chris, and I know it's early but at times weather in the mornings looks more like "American Idol" tryouts. You can almost hear Simon going, "Are you serious?"

Holly Clegg was on the show this morning. She had some pictures of herself on the "Jumbotron" in NYC. So my question is, was her whole head able to fit on the screen or just the eyes on down? But on another note she made "Chicken Cherry Jubilee", which was served with "Milk of Magnesia".

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Here Comes Trouble

Seeing as though I haven't been writing these as regular as I once was, i still try to crank out at least three a week. But on friday I got a disturbing phone call from Rasha H. that went something like this about my willingness, or lack-there-of to pump out a quality blog on a more consistent basis.

Terry: (in my cool, sexy phone voice) "hello?"
Carisma: "Hey, Rasha wanna talk to you about something."
Terry: "Okay?"
Rasha: "Terry?"
Terry: "Yeah?"
Rasha: "Look, let me tell you something, **^*%, *&^*&, and furthermore, &*^#@, @$#&^&, #$#%#$, and I don't wanna hear no *&^$%$%, *R&^%, about &*T^*&^.
Carisma: "Hello?"
Terry: "Yeah?"
Carisma: "She just cursed you out."
Terry: "I know. I'm gonna go lie down now."
Carisma: "Alright then."

So in honor of that phone call, this is not a blog exactly, this is more me talking to Rasha, over the the internet. Here goes nothing, or in the words of Arsenio Hall, "Ahhh, let's get busy!"

*Blog*

"It's a lot like climbing up the rope in gym class, kinda makes you feel all funny."

Rasha, this is the only movie line I could find to describe the roller coaster ride that's been my last week and a half. This is my week, as follows:

1. "phantom" speeding ticket from a punk-ass sheriff whose ass will get kicked if I ever see him in person -- off duty. Rasha let me tell you about this shit, this damn security-guard-school-dropout clocked me going 41mph in the 50mile-zone. But this is where it get's good, almost a mile away from a school, this rat-bastard gave me a ticket for speeding in a school zone. Now you've been reading this for a while and you know that I like cops about as much as I'd like to fall head-first from the Sears tower onto a thumb tack, but after that whole thing, I can honestly say that I REALLY hate the cops.

2. Domestic issues -- mind your business.

3. Someone broke into my damn car at the Mall of Louisiana. Now when I told everyone someone broke into my care at the mall, everyone had the same reaction -- "You were at Cortana huh?" No I wasn't. I was at "The Mall of Louisiana" with the rich white folks and apparently, one of them needed a silver and blue Alpine head unit with the motorized face. And Rasha, the crazy thing about it, is, I don't even like driving the car now. It just feels dirty. I've lost interest. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I don't like my car any more, but it's like this, lets say you had this shirt that was your favorite, and then it came up missing, but you found it a year later -- on someones back. You complain, fight, curse, whatever , and they give it back and now you have it back in your closet but you don't wanna wear it anymore because someone else has been wearing it. Just feels dirty. You understand don't you? Yeah I know you do.

3. Your disturbing phone call. I apologize for not writing the blog everyday. It's just that I come in the mornings and I dont't have as much time to do them anymore. I could do it from home but when I'm at home, I'm usually asleep or just don't feel like doing anything, so that's that.

I hope you had a very good Christmas Rasha. And I hope you got everything your heart desired, cause when you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are .... Oh .... sorry, where was I? Anyway, I spent more money this year for christmas than the law allowed. You could've made Dr. Dre and Ice Cube's "Natural Born Killaz" video for less money. But Rash, I guess the thing that got me, much like other people, is knowing that you're getting things for people that you care about, things they really wanted, but never really expected. And you can't put a price on the looks they have on their faces when they get their gifts. Both me and the mrs spent a small fortune on each other and I'd say that we'd both agree that it was all worth. And my mom was extremely happy this year too. You only live once, if you're lucky.

"Terror illistrates my era ..now I cant hang around my momma cause I scare her, I'm quick to blast motherf*cker - yeah what's up? It feels like I'm bustin a nut, when I open you up --cause your body is exposed to the midnight mist, all you weak motherf*ckers give my ring a kiss, cause I'm givin dirt naps, comin with them bomb ass raps to make your lungs collapse -- perhaps, you never sleep, cause evertime you doze, you catch blows to the motherf*ckin nose, ain't seen the sun, in 66 days, let me count the ways in a f*cked up maze.
I never ever ever made a hoe stay, but I'm down with Dre like AC is down with OJ, so f*ck how you livin -- I'm the unforgivin', psycho drivin mur-de-ra.
It's authentic, don't panic, I can't stand it, God Damn it, scizophrenic -- So f*ck Charlie Manson, I'll snatch him out of his truck, hit 'em with a brick and I'm dancin...."

Okay, sorry Rasha, but that "Natural Born Killaz" reference has that song stuck in my head now and makes me want to go out and buy one of the greatest soundtracks of all time -- well actually, go out and buy a CD player first to play it on, and then go out and buy "Murder Was Tha Case". I swear, they just don't make CD's anymore that you can let play straight through. People's definition of a "good" CD nowadays is one where only half the songs suck as opposed to two thirds. Which is what 80% of people go to the net and illegally download -- the old stuff. They're not taking money away from the artist now -- they suck. The people we're robbing are the people that made their millions a long time ago, and who really don't give a rat's ass if we download their stuff or not, because when they were out, music was fantastic and we actually bought their CDs. You think I'm gonna risk getting arrested to download the new "Staind"? Que? No, if I'm gonna get sued, I'm gonna get sued for (in no particular order at all) "Murder Was Tha Case", Anything 2pac before he died, "Lethal Injection" (Ice Cube), Dre and Eminem, any "Outkast" CD before that "Speakerboxx/Love Below" bullshit, "Above Tha Rim", "Diary of a Mad Band", Michael Jackson, Prince, Nirvana (R.I.P. Kurt Cobain), Pearl Jam, Public Enemy, Hall and Oates, George Michael (before we knew he was gay), Lisa Lisa, New Edition, N.W.A, LL Cool J before he got in the fight with Willie Beamon when he weighed 165lbs, Beastie Boys, A Tribe Called Quest, Phil Collins, Jouney, R.E.M., Tears for Fears, Spandu Ballet, Toto, Duran Duran, Whitney Houston before she gave up on life, Mariah Carey, Boyz II Men, Keith Sweat, Stevie Wonder, Kool and the Gang, G.A.P. Band, Morris Day and The (Muthaf*ckin) Time, Brothers Johnson, Aretha Franklin, The Isley Brothers, Gladys Night, Earth, Wind, and Fire, (R.I.P)Marvin Gaye, (R.I.P.) Barry White, (R.I.P.) Otis Redding, Jackson Five, The Commodores, Temptations, Four Tops, Fleetwood Mac, Parliament/Funkadelic, The Stylistics, The Delfonics, Smokey, Isaac Hayes, The Ohio Players, and (R.I.P) Rick James -- bitch.

I know i left out a lot -- forgive me, but my mama "raised" me on music and therefore I take my music very serious. I don't know what this shit is on the radio today. Damnit.

This is my note to Rasha Holmes, take it or leave it.

Never Date Someone In Graphics

*Blog*

Had to start off with this, as if anyone cares:

"Elton John Ties the Knot With Longtime Partner

WINDSOR, England (Dec. 21) -
Britain's most famous gay couple - Sir Elton John and Canadian filmmaker David Furnish - tied the knot on Wednesday in a star-studded event that capped a week of civil partnership ceremonies in the United Kingdom"

Okay, now to that I ask this question, where were they registered? Pep Boys maybe?

Alright, I'm not in that good of a mood today, so I'm not feeling very creative, so I figured I'd let some of my readers actually "write" this one for me. So today's blog is not a blog at all, but actually emails or comments from people at work. So here goes nothing.

Tom W.

"There should be no homeless people in Baton Rouge. Not with all this FEMA stuff going around. Everyone should have their own hotel room with room service, or a FEMA trailer, equipped with propane provided by Hank Hill."

From Derek McCoy:

"Terry,

So, I'm sitting there watching TV this weekend and I see a commercial which would make perfect fodder for your blog. KFC now has a batch of ads which use "Sweet Home Alabama" as their backdrop. Now, I know I'm no expert in the fried chicken industry, but last time I checked, before the restaurants became KFC, Mickey D's and BK, there were three lesser known dives called Kentucky Fried Chicken, McDonald's and Burger King. So, how come a place called KENTUCKY Fried Chicken is playing "Sweet Home Alabama" as their theme song for their commercials? I mean . . . WTF?!!? Am I the only one perplexed by this? Oh well ..

Derek,
nightside news photog"

From Sana way back on 10/10/05:

"I knew you would appreciate this... There was a chemical leak near Donaldsonville tonight... first Ascension tells me they don't know anything (literally) and then they say they did send someone, then they said they don't know anything about it... ok... so then I call to ask if they knew exactly where it was on the Mississippi so I could send Sellers. This is how the conversation went:

Sana: "Do you know where exactly this leak happened."
AP: "No, ma'am"
Sana: "Do you have a general idea of where it may have happened."
AP: "Umm.. No"
Sana: "Do you think the people you sent out there would know where it was" (Considering they responded to it) This is what she says:
AP: "No, ma'am."

*Lesson of the day: There is such a thing as stupid people.

Have a great day :-) "

From Lindsey on my "Women don't have a plan when they go shopping" argument:

"I hate the mall -- I am a woman and I shop with purpose. Ellen and I went there Sunday, went into 4 stores, bought things at 3 of them, and ate lunch. Only one thing was bought on impulse, a christmas gift for a friend. Three hours and $200 (each)later, we were out of there. So there, I just disproved your theory."

(No sweetheart, you didn't. )

From Rick on my FEMA trail village argument:

"I think we should call them FEMA cities. We could rate them like hurricanes. The largest could be category 5 cities named after storms like Andrew, Katrina, etc. The smaller ones could be cat. 1's named Cindy, or Danny."

From Mike Sellers on my "Tha Photogs" CD:

"Photog love from the producer! I also appreciate the sympathy in your voice when you make those early morning call-outs. "

(No problem Mike. I appreciate your willingness to cooperate.)

Tom and Jared control room conversation from 4/25/05:

Tom: "Hey Jarrett is that crack dealer still living down the street from you?"
Jared: "What?"
Tom: "Yeah, you know em'"
Jared: "Well no, he went to jail, but i'm sure another one replaced him"
Tom: "Oh well that's too bad, because i wanted to know if he could get me a lawnmower really cheap. Didn't he steal yours?"

(Don't know if Tom ever got that mower or not.)

Conversation between Todd and I back on 1/5/05 on LSU and USC splitting the 03' National Championship:

TR: "Well there can only be one, the BSC says it's lsu."
TF: "Well there can only be one anchor on 2une In, so I guess you're the BSC anchor and Whitney's the AP anchor."

From David "Dengle" Engle:

"Hello Everyone,

I mapped out the newsrooms phone numbers to make it easier for me to pinpoint numbers. Distributed copies so in case each of you need it too. You may just want to keep it for the WGNO crew and other newcomers who could use it. If you don't have a copy, I can make a copy for you. Just let me know.

David"

(Now if anyone still has that phone list, they'll know that it does everything but make it easy to pinpoint numbers. I felt like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" trying to figure that thing out. Now in hindsight, I think that's why GNO just disappeared.)

Conversation between Lindsey and I on the "Displaced" people living at the Trailer parks:

TF: Will the displaced, that are misplaced be replaced?
LD: (Laughing hysterically)
TF: We're going to hell aren't we?
LD: Yes we are, but this time you'll definately be driving.

From Claire Cummings:

"Every time I find a piece of mail for you it is always addressed to "Ms. Teiryn Fields" - does this ever bother you?"

(Yes Claire, it does bother me. For some reason or another when people see my name, they automatically think that I'm a girl and to their surprise they usually end up seeing a 6'4" 245lb black man going to sleep in the control room. But with all those emails and snail mail letters I get that says "Ms Teiryn Fields", they still don't bother me as much as this email I got from you last week Claire ... )

"I'm sure many of you already know this but canned cokes are supersaturated solutions of carbon dioxide. When they are frozen the carbon dioxide and other dissolved substances are excluded from the ice that forms. This confines the carbon dioxide to a smaller and smaller volume of "head space" in the can. If the can is not strong enough (most coke cans are not) the carbon dioxide pressure that has built up will rupture the can...please don't put coke cans in the freezer here at work. Merry Christmas!"

(Between this email from Claire, and Dengle's phone list, I feel like I'm studying for the ACT. )

And the #1 reason why you should never date someone at work:

"Don't ask me to build S*** come Monday.

Carisma D. Ramsey
Graphics"

Yeah, I love you too sweetheart.

Just my co-worker's .02, take it or leave it.

The M&Ms and Supersaturated Solutions of CO2

Things Heard on the Scanners

From Lindsey on 12/16 @ 2:31am

"Woman found a one million dollar bill. Now she and her uncle are fighting over it..."
Where would you go to get change for that? Now, no fast food place or Krispy Kreme will take that because they all sport those, "no bill larger than a $20 bill accepted". Someone needs to look into this.

1:31am

Man walked into his business and found another man that broke in having sex in his office with a female. Glad it was a female he was having sex with, and I guess he got kinda side-tracked during the robbery.

Things of note:

1. The people on the CNN National Desk Christmas card in the window all look insane.
2. The snack machine owes Matthew W. .75 from before refill
3. News control still smells like cat pee.

*Blog*

Okay, seriously, how freaking cold does it have to get before the people around here realize that the grass has stopped growing? In a business where people in charge are notorious for being "cheap", it's obvious that they haven't figured out why their water bill is so high. The grass is brown people -- hasn't grown in about two months, but the sprinklers are still programmed to come on at 1:15am. My question is, what in the hell are they watering? Did Louis Miller tell them to water the grass no matter what it does? Why am I upset by this? Allow me to answer my own question, BECAUSE IT'S DUMB!!! Damnit, I need to be in charge of something before I die.

Trends/Fads that caught on but have never really went away:

1. Mood rings
2. Chia Pets
3. Pokemon trading cards
4. Spray on hair

This is something that everyone should know about. Whitney saw a rat in the newsroom. Now I know that white folks have mice and black people have rats, but if this is half as big as she says it is, I think we'd all have to agree that this sucker classifies as a rat. Now I didn't see it, but she says it's at least five inches long -- without the tail. Shit, they may have been a dog.

Niccy got engaged over the weekend. Thank god. I'm so happy for her. And to Paul I say this ... It's about damn time. I'm glad Niccy wasn't waiting on a kidney. Congratulations you two. Paul, now you don't have to keep an eye on Niccy and all the kitchen knives every time you think about watching TV.

Apparently we can all get rid of our encyclopedia Britanicas and our Encarta CD's because Ellen and Lindsey (this from an unnamed source) apparently know everything. But on an interesting side note, people are apparently lined up to party with Kami like she's giving away cheese. Just thought this was worth writing.

According to the promo, News Two's Michael Marsh get's answers. I think we should make Eminem his co-anchor just so we can hear this promo:

"News Two's M&M's, Michael Marsh, Marshal Mathers, getting you answers at 4, 5, 6, and 10."

But what would the newscast look like? Marsh would show up in his suit like normal, but Eminem would probably have on a white T-shirt and a black ball cap.

Mathers: Welcome to News Two at 10, I'm Marshal Mathers
Marsh: And I'm Michael Marsh, thank you for joining us.
Mathers: In today's news ..a man was shot in the head ... they killed him dead, and took his truck ... cops like -- what the f*ck, tried to go through the woods but dumb asses got stuck. Authorities don't have a mo-tive, but again you already know this, you shoulda already knew, they wanted dude's 22s. Got nothing else to say, I ain't reading shit-else today, so somebody call Dr. Dre' cause doing the news is gay. I been ready to go, Slim Shady came in at two, so f*ck it i'm through, now Michael Marsh back to you.
Marsh: Ah...okay. Thank you Marshal. We'll have more on that police investigation coming up on 2une In.

Chuck, make it happen.

Now for the W-T-F moment of the week -- this is an actual email from Claire Cummings:

"I'm sure many of you already know this but canned cokes are supersaturated solutions of carbon dioxide. When they are frozen the carbon dioxide and other dissolved substances are excluded from the ice that forms. This confines the carbon dioxide to a smaller and smaller volume of "head space" in the can. If the can is not strong enough (most coke cans are not) the carbon dioxide pressure that has built up will rupture the can...please don't put coke cans in the freezer here at work. Merry Christmas!"

Okay -- what? Am I missing something? "Supersaturated solutions of carbon dioxide"? What? Now I can't be the only person in the newsroom who wondered if CC blacked out for some extended period of time on Wednesday. Apparently Claire had what can only be described as some kind of "episode". So I have to ask, did you hit your head or were you on some kind of medication? Do you have any idea when they're coming or do you just fall into these states. Because if you do know, let me know because i have questions on The Big Bang Theory, the Gross Domestic Product of Guam, who should have really won the AL MVP this year, and just how do they get the chocolate around Rasinets. "Supersaturated solutions of carbon dioxide"? "Head Space"? Que? Did you read this before you sent it? No wonder it took so long to fill that position after Janet left. I'm sure Chuck had a hard time finding a newsroom assistant that coincidentally majored in chemistry. Now don't take this the wrong way, I am in no way trying to crack on you, (okay yes I am, but still) but c'mon -- "when they're frozen the carbon dioxide and other dissolved substances are excluded from the ice that forms" -- what? Who just randomly knows this? Did you ask Jeeves? Why am I getting the feeling that the only thing you wrote was -- "please don't put cans in the freezer here at work. Merry Christmas."? Now I have no concrete proof of this, but I'm just saying. But I'll tell you this, if you did come up with that on you're own, you are definately pulling your weight now. But personally, I think you just googled it.

Just my .02, take it or leave it, but whatever you do, don't leave it in the freezer because "supersaturated solutions of literary material" can become unstable in subfreezing temperatures.

Anchors Hear Producers In Wingdings

First and foremost, lets all remember to say a prayer for Tommy H. and his family as they're currently dealing with the loss of their grandmother. You can never have too many people praying for you.

*Blog*

Some of you may know this already, but then again, some of you probably dont, but R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" series is out on special edition DVD. Now you're probably wondering why I mentioned this. Well, that's because there's a special R. Kelly audio commentary where he's describing, what he describes in the videos. Okay, read that last line again.

The snack machine gremlins have struck again I see and tt looks like young Chelby has fallen prey to the dreaded "Texas Hold Em'" fruit snacks selection in the snack room. You'd wonder why anyone still tries to buy those things. Has anyone EVER actually tasted the fruit snacks? That has to be the most dangerous snack machine selection in the history of processed foods. Seriously. Thank God the "Rasinet" selection is a bit more reliable. ;-)

Random commercial from the 80's:

"Alpine whi-ite....crea-my whi-ite!! Alpine White's the very best, sweet dreams you can't resist. Nestle makes the very best, N-E-S-T-L-E-S, sweet dreams, you ca-a-a-n't, re-sist...."

Yeah I know, now those of you who actually remember that, will be singing it all day, which was what I wanted to begin with.

Lindsey's Blog:

"I swear, if Terry takes off another full week and I have to producer 2une In, someone will die in this newsroom. All jokes aside. Sleep is a luxury I cannot afford to do without. Damnit."

Actual story:

"The local chapter of the red cross got some high-end help to get it's mission done. This 2006 "hummer h-3" will be used to help in the on-going hurricane relief efforts. it's a donation from "hummer" and the "g-m foundation"

Okay, I can't let this go on anymore, look, the whole "Hummer" thing has gone too far. The H2 and all new H3 are not Hummers, only glorified Tahoes. So save your money. I hope the folks at the Red Cross don't try to go off road, or they'll have to call FEMA to pull them out -- a week later.

Dengle's blog:

"Now if North Korea takes over South Korea, their gross domestic product would double. And on a side note, bacon tastes good, and pork chops taste good. Hold on ... what?"

Why can't you get kangaroo at "Outback Steak House"? I'm sure you can get "Fosters" (it's Australian for beer), but you can't get Cajun Fried Marsupial? What about kangaroo gumbo? Kangaroo soup? Isn't this South Louisiana?

Holly Clegg is on the show today. In the words of my favorite "Crank Yankers" character, Special Ed, "Holly Clegg....Yaaay!!!" Now, while thinking about the upcoming interview, I couldn't help but think of a few people who I'd rather have on in Holly's place.

1. Special Ed (of course)
2. Joey Buttafucco
3. The Doctor that fixed Evander Holyfield's ear
4. Louis Miller
5. Louis Miller's bartender
6. Screech (Dustin Diamond)
7. Jengo Fett w/ Tony Jones
8. Jar Jar Binks
9. U-High's head janitor
10. The guy standing by the lamp on R. Kelly's sex tape.

Most Disturbing phenomenon that I just noticed: "The Phantom vibrating that goes on in the pocket where your cell phone is."

I can't be the only one who goes through this. Seriously. Why is it when you put your phone on "vibrate" you feel it vibrating off and on all day and you keep touching your pocket to see if someone's calling? And after a while, people either think you're crazy or a pervert. Someone should look into this.

During an interesting conversation this morning with TRoss, we both agreed that people are starting to ask a little too much from FEMA. I mean, people want FEMA to compensate them for everything -- people who weren't affected by either of this years storms. Business owners, City Departments (fire and police), McDonalds, Burger King, you name it, they want FEMA money. So Todd says he had to sleep on the floor in the conference room during one of the storms and my mouse pad was damaged and my phonebook was stolen, so we would both like to be compensated. Thanks.

TF: "Will I win that $112 million powerball jackpot tonight?
EB: "It is not likely."
TF: "Ashley sold her lunchbox?"
EB: "All signs point to yes."

Todd interviewed Kim Hunter-Reed this morning, one of Gov. Blanco's top aides. So we suggested that he roll up his sleeves, loosen his tie, and take off his suit jacket so he can really look like he's been hard at work during this interview. Hey, Bush thought it would work, so I thought Todd should try it.

Okay, there was a guy scheduled to show up on 2une In this morning dressed like Santa Claus -- only he said he forgot his costume. Alrighty then. Maybe it was being altered for the big day or Blitzen got a stain on it. Who knows. Maybe he's dressing according to where he's delivering toys this year. Lets say for instance if he was delivering toys down Plank Road, near Choctaw, he'd wear a red fur coat with white fur around the neck, his santa hat with a big feather in it, and some red platform shoes with dead gold fish in the soles. I think it's a good idea personally.

After producing for four years (almost five), I've finally figured it out. Anchors hear producers in Wingdings.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

HBO Latino and Chuck's Groove

Things Heard On The Scanners

2:43
Husband came home, pulled a gun on his wife, and then left. Okay. Well, maybe next time she'll remember to turn off the damn christmas lights, you know, with Entergy going up and everything.


*Blog*

Hello all. I'm back at work today following a week off and all I can say is damnit. Of course I like being off just as much as the other man, but here are a few things that get on my nerves about vacations:

1. People asking me how it was. How do you think it was? A neutron bomb could have exploded in my neighborhood and (if i lived, which I doubt) I still wouldn't have wanted to be at work.

2. The corny greetings. This is probably the one thing I hate the most about returning from vacation. People walking up to me, and going, "Howdy Stranger", "Haven't seen you in a while", "Where've you been?", "Funny seeing you here." Just annoying. You may think it's cute but it's not.

3. My desk. Nothing is ever in it's place when you take more than 3 days off. Now I know how those N.O. store owners must have felt during all of the looting.

Actual story:

"A bizarre incident on a northwest airline flight today. 2-hundred passengers were flying from los angeles to honolulu when a mexican national kept disturbing passengers in first class and even threatened to kill an infant. He then attempted to go to the cockpit... but seven passengers took him down and bound his hands and feet. The suspect is in federal custody."

Okay, what? This man obviously didn't enjoy his chimichangas on the "in-flight" meal or maybe he was upset by the "in-flight" movie, "The Mexican" which starred a very "American" Brad Pitt and Julie Roberts. Something obviously set this man off. Someone should find this out.

I feel like Cornelius in "Fight Club" right now.

"With insomnia, you're never really awake, and you're never really asleep."

The little company that does security for us along with several other businesses in the area have apparently lost the "FEMA" account. They were supposed to be working security at one of the trailer parks but they no longer have the account because of, and I quote, "partying, doing drugs, and wild orgies with the evacuees." Damn. I haven't been this shocked since Jessie took the caffiene pills.

Rasha's Blog:

"The S is for super and the U is for unique, the P is for perfection and you know that we are freaks, the E is for exotic, and the R is for rap, so tell them party people just to stay the hell back. Super-sonic!! Super-sonic!!"

Apparently "The Chronicles of Narnia" is the most "incredibly *insert adjective* blockbuster of 2005." Okay. Call me crazy but I honestly have no idea what this movie is about. Did I completely miss the boat on this?

Speaking of movies, T.V., entertainment, etc., has anyone ever watched HBO Latino? Well, it's regular HBO, showing everything at the exact same time as regular HBO, only every thing's dubbed over in spanish. Now you're probably wondering what's so significant about this. Well, that's because if you ever take out the time to watch it, you'll notice that it's the same person doing all of the voices. Seriously. It's some guy, doing all the lines for every movie; guys, girls, you name, it's him. I promise you, if you watch this half asleep at around 2am, when you get up the next morning you'll think you were apart of one of those programs at Pennington.

Not being one to point out the differences between black and white people .... well, okay, yes I am. But anyway, while watching James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" video on VH1 this morning, I had the daily (what alcoholics refer to as a) M-O-C (moment of clarity) and I came to this conclusion. There's nothing sadder than a foreign white guy crooning over some chick somewhere. I mean, I actually feel sorry for these guys. They actually make me believe that some woman left them.The looks on their faces are just pathetic, to the point where I actually want to start fixing these guys up with other women.

"C'mon man, you gotta get back out there. She ain't coming back. Hey there's a girl -- go over there and offer her a glass of courvoisier and a fish sandwich."

Apparently, Chuck got his "groove on" at Pat's Christmas party. I don't even WANT to know what happened.

Speaking of Christmas parties, I know, I know, I didn't come to either. Why? Because I was on vacation. Why take a vacation, and then come to your work christmas party with all the people from work? Isn't that a lot like being at work? If I had came would I have gotten 4 hours for that? Should I have brought my time sheet with me so Chuck, Claire, or Martin could have approved the overtime? Did everyone else get overtime for this? These are questions I need answered.

The Outbreak Monkey and the Anchor Shock Collar

Things Heard On the Scanners

4:34am

Unresponsive male on the ground on the 3rd floor parking garage at the Metro Airport. At first bet, I'd say that this poor unsuspecting gentleman showed up only to find his car missing and did that helpless "walkby where you parked it three times" deal before he came to grips with the fact that it was gone.


Blog

My baby's sick guys. She had to go to the hospital the other night to get some "prescribed dope", so she's been sleeping for the last day and a half. One thing, I don't know what's wrong with her. The doctor told her it was one thing the other night, but now we think it may be something else. But you know what? I'm starting to think that when she was at work earlier this week, Paul may have hid that little "Outbreak" monkey in the graphics room. But I don't think it's Ebola because she hasn't started bleeding out of her orifices. I'll keep everyone posted.

Kip Holden came here dressed like Napoleon this morning. Don't really know why ...except that...well...Kip's an idiot. There I said it. I remember having a lack of options during that election so I didn't vote for him or Bobby Simpson during the election last year. It was a clear cut case of, how do you want to wreck the city? Did you want someone who would slowly let the city go to hell in a hand basket or did you want someone to pick the city up and take it there? Well, the voters obviously chose the latter because in less than a year this man has suggested we bring a "Light Rail" train system here, put a loop around the entire city, build several new state highways -- to nowhere and the ku-de-gras? Appointing the "Prince of Soul-Glo" police chief. Remember when he told the people one week that there would be no way to keep hazardous materials from traveling through downtown by-way- of train, only to have a train carrying hazardous materials derail DOWNTOWN, almost a week to-the-day later? Ladies and gentleman, this is our mayor, and he's dressed like Napoleon, another small man who made poor decisions. Now if we can only somehow get Kip exiled to Alba until the next election, we'll be able to save the city.

Okay, I'm sold, diarreha of the mouth, is a real disease, and it's slowly turning into an epidemic or maybe even worse -- a pandemic like the bird flu. Can someone call the CDC please? But there is hope however, because someone came up with a very good idea this morning (i can't and will not say their name, and I cannot take the credit). Shock Collars for anchors. (Now this is all me) Every anchor should be required to where one, with their IFB cable installed "in-line" with it. There will be a control board in the producer's possession which looks a lot like the "talkback" board, with all the anchor positions labeled. Now when the producer begins counting them down he/she will give the order for the guard standing in the studio (probably Bob or Socks) to flip the breaker -- a lot like that guy on "Green Mile" to ... um ... turn on the juice. This will send a 50k volt charge into all collars but this will not shock them -- it'll just "humm" from all the volts shooting through it. Now if at the end of the the countdown, there are still sounds coming out of the anchor's mouths, the producer now has the ability to make smoke come out of the anchor's ears by pressing the button control board labeled "All Anchor Juice". This system will even feature a "single-anchor-shock" mechanism that allows you to send a quick "pick-me-up" to a particular anchor who's getting a little unruly.

TF: "Uh, oh Tom"
TW:" What's wrong?"
TF: " Whitney's trying to go long on me."
TW:" Hit it."
(Terry presses the button labeled, "Anchor Left Juice".)

I swear by the end of the newscast they'll all sound like John Coffee.

Todd: (in that Michael Clarke Duncan voice) "So Terry, what we doin' right here boss?"

This is so ingenious and well thought out, I think I should call the U.S. Patent office this afternoon. We could have the good folks at "Texas Instruments" get started on this as soon as possible. I'll be taking orders following approval from PETA.

Random wire story:

" A San Pedro, California high school football coach has been suspended for one year - for cheating. The act was caught on tape last month when assistant coach Paul Bryan moved the yard marker during a game against Gardena high school. The referees didnt' see him do it - and awarded San Pedro a first down. Bryan's team ended up winning the tame 13-12 - and they went on to clinch a spot in the playoffs. Bryan says his action wasn't planned..and he wishes he could take it all back."

Now, I have to ask this question? It's high school football -- is it that serious? He does know this doesn't he? You think he was under pressure by some "friends of the program"? I would hope so, otherwise, he's an idiot. And this leads me back to probably the best point I've made all year -- "Sense is not common".

Okay, I'm not trying to talk about anyone in particular, but I have to say this. Some of the people in this building have to be among some of the most paranoid in the world? Is it THAT bad working the day shift? Am I that out of touch with things that happen on the day shift?

Employee A: "Spssssst. Hey. Come here."
Employee B: "Yeah."
Employee A: "Hey, what did Chuck want?"
Employee B: "Oh, he didn't want anything. He just wanted to tell me about a live shot tomorrow."
Employee A: "Oh. He didn't say anything about me did he?"
Employee B: "No."
Employee A: "Well you know, can't be too careful. C-Y-A!"
Employee B: "O-kay."

I swear, it's like working in a building full of fugitives.

"Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" came on last night. Now I'm not sure how many years this special has been airing, but I know that it's a family tradition to sit and watch it together, but I never realized how serious my family took it until last night. Now everyone's living all over the place, but everyone still apparently watches it. I know this because everyone I called told me to call them back at 8 o'clock. My older brother even stopped at my grandmother's house to watch it because he was closer to her house than his own. Just crazy, but it gets worse. Three family members in particular actually get upset because over Rudolph's mistreatment; My grandmother, and her two sons, my two uncles.

Now, my grandmother insists that everyone in the north pole is just bad, or in her words just stupid and she complains the whole program about the way the "star" is treated, but my uncles take it a step further. My uncle Glenn, angry black man number one starts cussing out the reindeer who tease Rudolph in the beginning and at the end when everyone needs him, my uncle starts crying. Seriously. But my uncle Mike, angry black man number two, and also angriest black man in America, takes it to the limit. I swear, this man does the same thing every year, he watches the show fine until Rudolph's "black cover" comes off his nose and everybody freaks out at his red nose, which pretty much sets him off for the rest of the show.

Mike: "You see that shit? Look at those muthaf*ckas. I wouldn't help they asses do shit! Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight -- f*ck no. F*ck you, b*tch!! F*ck all ya'll. Rudolph outta tell Santa to kiss his ass, that bitch!"

And you know what? I swear i didn't make any of the last two paragraphs up. This is my family.

Take em' or leave em.