The Iraqi Wookie and An Anchor's Interpretation

Blog

Okay, Iisten. I feel like I have to say this. There is not a better girlfriend in the world than the one I have. I don't care what your girl did for you and how she did ... um.... "so, and so" or whatever. That doesn't matter. She's not better than mine, there's no way. Last night the Mrs. and I watched the Colts/Steelers MNF game and I had the time of my life. Now you may wonder what's so great about that? Well, I'll say this -- it takes a special person to make watching a MNF game special. It didn't hurt that the game involved the Colts and Steelers either, but anyway, Thank you sweetheart. I'm glad you're with me.

I was sitting here typing stories and had an epiphany. Yes, I have those. Anyway, while typing, watching videos, and talking to Todd I had an idea. We should redo the "2une In" open and theme song and have "Santana" do it. C'mon, who wouldn't wake up to watch a show where we bump out on "Santana" over in the corner playing his "hook" from "Maria, Maria". Okay, probably not too many more people, but still, someone needs to talk to the Manships about bringing him in.

Apparently, Claire Cummings is planning on starting an "Anti-Terry Blog". Well Claire, if you do, I came up with a name for it. You can call it "Harry Potter Gives Me Headaches" while Dengle can start one and call it, "Finding David Dengle". Just some ideas you two can toss around. How was you birthday?

I was looking on Ebay for some "Rock Em', Sock Em' Robots" and ran across this list of things:

- "Jem" Lunch Box
- "Snoopy Sno Cone Machine"
- 2 crappy SEC Championship game tickets
- "Alf: The Complete First Season" on beta
- A thimble
- "Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring"

Tony's Blog:

I cant get any cooperation. None. This place is so frustrating. And why in the hell does everyone keep calling me Greg? This is ridiculous.

"Don't call it a come-back, I been here for years...."

In honor of the return of the Mighty "McRibb". This is like my favorite thing at McDonald's. Seriously, I think I may have started crying when I saw the commercial last night. Now the only person I know that likes them half as much as I do, is Jordan. I told him that we should go get one today -- like a fake-ass "Harold and Kumar", only we're not going to White Castle.

Who would win in a fight between Daniel Larusso vs. Tony LaRussa? Would Daniel-san use the "Crane" on Tony, or would Tony call in 89' McGwire and Conseco, "The Roid Brothers" to do in poor Daniel-san? I'd vote on the latter.

Speaking of the Karate Kid... My favorite sportswriter, Bill Simmons of ESPN.com recently wrote an article about the Karate Kid Trilogy and brought up something that we probably looked over. The fact that Ralph Macchio actually would have had a chance with Elizabeth Shue in high school, in real life. Here's an excerpt:

"Hey, this kid's 5-foot-7, he weighs 100 pounds, he can't defend himself, he has no money and no car, we run in different social circles, his mom has to drive him on dates, and everyone hates him … I think I'm in love!"

Makes sense.

"Bac-ardi, and Co-la!!"

I Noticed that the Judge presiding over the Saddam Hussein trial is named Raad Juhi (prounounced Chewie). Now I'm wondering is his last name Iraqi for "Chewie"? And if it is, does this make him a Wookie? And if so, was Lucas trying to tell us that Wookies are really poorly groomed Iraqis? Is Yoda Afghani? What about Luke and Leia? Palestinian? Hey, their dad (Anakin/Vader) did grow up in the desert. Am I thinking about this too hard? Maybe so.

TF: "Am I thinking about this whole Wookie quandry too much?"
EB: "It is likely."
TF: "Am I crazy and will my girlfriend leave me?"
EB: "All signs point to yes."

Veronica did another story on FEMA trailers yesterday. Why are we forcing this woman to do so many stories on FEMA trailers? I think the only thing we don't know about these trailers by now is their tire pressure. But one thought on the story, why is it that the people in Livingston are bitching about bringing the trailers there? Now we've all driven through that place at least once -- I know at my last job we dubbed it "Land of the Above Ground Swimming Pools" and I can say that the place is in no shortage of trailer parks. What's one more park? Are they pissed because they didn't get first dibbs on them? Maybe so. This can be Veronica's next angle.

Actual Story quote:

"This is the highlight of my evacuation...to have Galatoire's opening up in Baton Rouge. I'm very excited about it...looking forward to it since I left. Glad to see Baton Rouge have some new culture."

I had to type that down just so I see if I heard that man say that Galatoire's opening here in Baton Rouge is the "highlight" of his evacuation.

Recently I've found myself thinking about what could possibly be behind the recent success of the LSU girls basketball team. Well, it's easy. When you play like guys and have a head coach named Pokey, how can you lose? Smells like a recipe for success to me.

Okay, anchors listen about as good as a deaf people in traffic. Which leads me to this list of "producer terms", followed by the "anchor's interpretations".

1. "3, 2,1" - to an anchor, this means, "The producer has no idea what he/she's talking about. I have at least 30 more seconds to talk."

2. "Wrap" - to an anchor, this means "I have time to ask one more question, that will probably yield me an long drawn out answer from this lady on right now talking about the Hosana Baptist Church Bring Your Pet Day." This usually extends an interview by at least one more minute.

3. "Lets Go" - to an anchor, this means, "It's okay to keep talking. If the producer doesn't have time, then he/she should make time for me to talk about my 7 year old's violin recital, which is much more important than all the palestinians dying like hotcakes."

4. "I'm killing *insert page number*" - to an anchor, this means, "That this story is still in, because I still have a script for it." So he/she will keep reading because they feel as though whosever running prompter is inefficient.

5. "We don't have time for this" - to an anchor, this proves that, "The producer is an idiot because my seiko wrist watch keeps time much better than the Network clocks up all over the station, insomuch that ENPS should only be used as a reference and all newscasts should be kept on time using my watch".

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Racially Charged BBQ and Saddam Hussein

Blog

I didn't get to watch not one crumb of football yesterday. I was very upset about this. Now let me tell you why. That's because I think "The Mrs." woke up yesterday morning and said, "Let me see how I can steal just a little bit of Terry's manhood today -- I know, no football this Sunday. We can watch Soapnet. Yeah!!" And Ironically so, the Saints won on a missed field goal in the fourth quarter -- I missed it, but I do know that all 5 of that little white lady's babies on "Grey's Anatomy" were born before it went off (Which by the way is not some kind of secret. A hospital where most of the employees are sleeping with each other is not new -- I should know, I worked at EKL for three years. I think custodians were sleeping together at that place, seriously.). I think I will now light myself on fire. But on a happier note, I did see an accident involving a Mercedes and a BMW on Florida boulevard. It's not often you get to see over a hundred grand of twisted metal.

Sitting in the newsroom every morning is becoming a bit of a learning experience for me. Now you're probably wondering what have I learned exactly, well, I've learned that those Fema trailer parks are becoming more dangerous than Iraq, Afghanistan, and the Mohican/Prescott crossover. I swear, the police make more routine passes through those places than that block on "Boyz In Tha Hood" where they shot Ricky.

Speaking of which, why in the hell are we calling them trailer villages? "The Shire" was a village. "Santa Poco" was a village. These are some "half-wide" mobile homes on a dusty ass lot, which being in south louisiana, pretty much qualifies them as trailer parks ... ah... FEMA trailer parks.

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I sort of tradition at my house (since 96' and the coals were still hot, more on that in a second) is what I like to call "Jive Turkey" which is my holiday specialty of barbecued turkey on the grill. Now I brought Niccy some and she told me how good it was. Hey, I know it's good, I cooked it, and if it sucked, I never would've brought her a piece. Now, she says she told Paul and Lindsey how good it was and Paul reiterated a point that I brought up a while ago -- Black people can BBQ. Kinda like all babies born in Mexico grow up and speak spanish -- it's just no way around it. It's a fact of life. Now I've been to BBQ's given by both black and white people alike and there are some differences that I feel "moved" to mention -- this is not racist or biased, just from personal experiences. So, lets, dare I say, dive into them....

- For One, a typical barbecue for black people would include porkchops, chicken, hamburgers, steak, baked beans, mac and cheese. A typical barbecue for white people would be fish, shish kabobs (actually had to look up that spelling), brautwurst, corn on the cob and potato chips.

- Now white people have more than enough room on their grills for more meat. I mean I've seen 6 hamburgers on a grill with flames shooting up all over the place. 6 burgers? What in the hell? Now blacks have so much meat on the grill, we usually lose four or five pieces to the ground or that hole behind the rack where each piece meets its death on the coals. However we never find this out until next time we BBQ.

(Now this is one for all people, not just black and white.)

- Most "normal" people cook their BBQ sauce on their meat. While some people, not all of them and there are several blacks guilty of this violation as well -- just grill the meat, bring it in the house and put the sauce on later. What in the holy hell? Now if any of you guilty parties are reading this, that is not BBQ if the meat is not cooked with the sauce on it. If no sauce is involved while the meat is OUTSIDE on the grill, cooking, you are BAKING. Don't try and get off by saying you were simply smoking it, because it's still BAKING. Sorry, this is not negotiable.

(Back to the racially charged profound differences.)

- Now the last and probably most profound difference between a predominantly black BBQs and a predominatly white BBQs is this -- when white people are out of meat, they put the coals out. Black people on the other hand go inside and look for more meat to put on while the coals are still "red". It's just what we do. In the words of my mama, "As long as the coals are still hot, anything in the refrigerator that's raw is going on there, and if you lay in one place too long you're going on there too." Hence the origin of "Jive Turkey". Just thought I should mention this.

Speaking of BBQ --
Actual exchange between my brother and I last week:

Trai: "Man, you see that grill?"
Terry: "Yeah, I thought you coated it with that high temperature paint from the shop?"
Trai: "I did."
Terry: "What happened to it?"
Trai: "Remember when I barbecued a few weeks ago? I used those coals that don't need lighter fluid, so I just threw the match in there and came in the house. About 5 minutes later Aeriel came in and said, Daddy, your coal's hot, and your grill on fire."

I have a question? If Common Law is recognized in the courts of most states, with louisiana not being one of them, can "Common Law" husbands and wives get divorced? Or do they just move out? This is actually a serious question. Can someone find this out? Thanks.

Under no circumstances should they ever let Saddam Hussein out of prison. And you thought "The Count of Monte Cristo" was pissed. If he didn't have WMD's last time, you can bet grandma's pearls that he'll for damn sure have em' this time around. And with his trial going on right now, I can't help but wonder, was he really that bad of a president/dictator? Because if he was that bad and we were really "freeing" the oppressed Iraqis, why have we been fighting these quote/unquote "Opressed Citizens" the whole time? I'll tell you why, because those crazy ass people love that man ... for some reason. They didn't want him gone, but they want us gone. We should just pull our troops out, because they didn't belong there in the first place. And am I the only person who'd never heard the word "Insurgent" before all this came up?

On this day 25 or 26 years ago, an egg was hatched -- today we call what came out Claire Cummings.

Apparently we have an angry little "Greg Meriwhether" clone in our midst with his own agenda. And to this I say don't get upset with us -- we didn't give you that haircut and since you probably signed a contract, you can't change it so I guess that means you're stuck with it. Thanks, management.

Random Movie quote:

"The Coach: I don't give a damn how many concussions he has left. Get Reggie Ray on the field, f*ck dammit! "

Does anyone realize that the majority of this blog was about barbecue?

Actual exchange:

Tom W: "Have you noticed that Brother Larry has almost reached the end of that book?"
Terry F: "Yeah, and he'll start reading from his own book soon."
Dave K: "Yeah, that book he wrote."
Tom W: "It's a pitty I haven't ran into him yet, then he could've met The Word."

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Too Many Blogs, Not Enough Net

Blog

Last night on "The Speed Channel", they had the host of "Speedvision" driving one of the new Corvette Z06's, and NASCAR's Jeff Gordon was driving another one. My God. Now everyone who knows me, knows how I feel about cars, or more to the point, speed, and I swear, if I ever got my hands on all 427 cubic inches, 505hp, and all 6 gears....
Well, let's just say that whoever rides with me better bring a change of pants. Should I be this excited about a car that costs more than I make in 2 years? Maybe.

Last night was "Pat's Coats For Kids" night at LSU's basketball game. Still no word on when "Todd's Tube Tops for Teens", "Dengle's Dickies for the Displaced", "Rick's Smocks for Tots", or "Martin's Applications for Graphics" is.

Actual 2une In quote:

"The 24 hour crisis hotline is open 24 hours a day."

I swear that my anchors are fighting to bring back that damn "Water Cooler" segment if it's the last thing they do. It's turning into a damn fight between good versus evil in here in the mornings. If Copernicus could convince Galileo and every other scientist at the time that the Earth was not the center of the Solar System, why can't I convince 3 anchors that "The Water Cooler" is bad?

How many players have LSU had on their team named "LaFleur"?

Okay, this warrants mentioning. Everybody has a Blog. Seriously, teachers, cops, homeless people, garden knomes, everybody. I think deaf people are standing on sidewalks "signing" blogs to people walking by. I mentioned this madnesss while talking to Dave in the weather office this morning and we had an idea. So in honor of all the blogs circulating around the net, here are some examples of what I think certain people at work would write.

Todd's Blog:

Today during a commercial break, I walked into the news room to see what channel 9 had and they were running a story that was just stupid. I mean, they were talking about this thing, that happened at some place, that happened one day this week that was just horrible. Just stupid. I think we need to do something on it before 2une In goes off. I'll call Terry.

Mathew's Blog:

If Major League baseball had a salary cap, there's no way the Yankee's could have ever signed A-Rod and Giambi. There's just no way. Seriously, there's no way.

Dave's Blog:

My two co-anchors must think that I enjoy cramming 2 minutes of weather into 45 seconds. When will they realize that once the story's read, it doesn't have to be explained? Traffic and weather on the 2s my ass. Maybe we should change it to Traffic and Weather on the guess when's. I swear one day, I'm gonna go off like Jim Carey on "Bruce Almighty" during weather.

Veronica's Blog:

I did not sign on for this. How many meetings do these assholes think I wanna cover? Nobody cares about the f*cking Pointe Coupee FEMA trailers, the f*cking Tangipahoa FEMA trailers, the f*cking East or West Feliciana FEMA trailers, or the where ever else they want to throw up a trailer. Can't they just use the story I wrote yesterday? A meeting is a meeting. Can I get a day off?

(Seriously, is there a harder working reporter here than Veronica. What's the record on how many packages someone can do in a day. Can someone call guiness and check on this?)

Derek's Blog:

I had to edit a package today on a meeting concerning the fate of the proposed FEMA trailer site in Tangipahoa parish. I wonder will anyone notice if I use meeting video from last weeks meeting?

Carisma's Blog:

Why are people so dumb? I have no patience for stupidity. None. And sometimes I can't stand my boyfriend. (someone walks by as she's typing) Those are some cute shoes!

Sana's Blog:

What the f*ck!?

Niccy's Blog:

F*ck, f*ck, f*ckitty, f*ck!!!

Paul's Blog:

Paul's Blog, stardate, November 22, 2005. Today was a difficult day for me, as I had several pressing issues on my agenda. The 10pm news was again in jeopardy as I received several graphics requests after the 9:30 deadline. The insolescent petulance of my co-workers and their inability to formulate, conceive, and manifest satisfactory graphics requests in a timely manner continues to spawn disgust and utter disdain deep inside my being. Plus, Xbox 360 comes out today, it plays games in HD -- which will no doubt utilize my HDTV, and I want it. But I don't want to have to buy any new games? Decisions, decisions. Damnit.

(Yeah I thought about that one....)

Michael's Blog:

It's great to be all over the place. Every time I turn on the t.v. I'm there. I was recently in Circuit City doing some last minute christmas shopping when I wandered over by the televisions, and Great Caesar's Ghost, it was like looking into a mirror. This is so great.

Chuck's Blog:

While watching the shows today, I thought the graphics looked nice. They're really utilizing the bugs. I think we should have a meeting to talk about what we're going to talk about in the next meeting. I think I'll have everyone meet.

Kevin's Blog:

I'm sitting in my office right now and I can't help but notice how nice it is. It's dark in here, because that's how I like it. The ambiance makes me want to put on my red smoking jacket, put on some "Barry White", and pour myself a glass of courvoisier, kick up my feet and hope no one calls in. Good times baby, good times.

Eddie Munster's Blog:

I have no idea why I'm even writing this. Nobody's reading it. No one whatsoever. I do realize that when I die, I'm gonna wish I had this time back that I've wasting typing this utter nonsense, that people refused to read even after I continued taping it in the window week after week.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

*Blog*

Me and the Mrs. went to the mall this weekend and I learned one thing that I probably should have known already, but found out this weekend nonetheless -- when women shop they really have no idea what they're going to get. They have no plan. When men go shopping, we have a plan. "Alright, I'm going to Champs, Demo, and Sam Goody." And you know what? Those are the only three stores we're going in. When women go to the mall, they say, "I'm going to the MALL." Now in English, this means that they will leave a finger, hand, and footprint on every inch of the building. I think we went in Taco Bell looking for clearance racks. Good God. Seriously, an early morning trip to the mall to find just one accessory to complete an outfit for a wedding, turned into the deleted scenes from "The Goonies". I mean I felt like Chester Copperpott, only a boulder didn't fall on me and a little Korean kid didn't still my Lou Gherig baseball card and my drivers license. I love you sweetheart, but I think I need to have my feet scraped now.

Staying with the mall now...
It was nice to see News Two's Ashley C. holding down the customer service booth at Cortana, with her good buddy Monique , formerly of News Two (who strangely enough quit a regular part-time job at Tha Deuce to take a temporary part-time job in the mall), playing "Santa Photo Enforcer". I felt safer walking through the mall after that.

Random Movie Quote:

"Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!"

TF: (eating a Texas Cinnamon Roll)
SG: "Eating a Texas Cinnamon Roll huh Terry?"
TF: "Yes."
SG: "Alrighty, catcha later."

Why is everyone around here (work) so hostile? I asked someone a question this morning and they just snapped at me like they found out I was responsible for taking Burger Buddies off the menu at Burger King. Goodness.

I wonder who'll win the AL MVP next year?

Apparently the new "Upside Down Xmas" tree is catching on like ... (no pun intended) wildfire. But I'll tell you this much -- do you realize this is a disaster waiting to happen? Do you realize how many unsuspecting toddlers will be sitting underneath this thing unwrapping this years "Tickle Me Leonard" or "Ike" or whatever's hot this year, when that thing gives way? I'll tell you what, the lawsuits will be flowing like egg-nog after this holiday season. Sometimes I wonder.

Random Movie Exchange:

Brian Fantana: "Time to musk up.
Ron Burgundy: "What cologne are you going to go with? London Gentleman? Black Beard's Delight?"
Brian Fantana: "No, she gets the special cologne. Sex Panther, made by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries. It contains real panther bits, so you know it's good."

My "Angry Graphics Dept." CD went over well last week, as I've gotten some good feedback from different people. It's a new week, and lets hope that nobody pisses anyone in that area off, because I'm getting the feeling that each one of the three mainstays are one "late graphics request" away from parking a U-haul in front of the building and going Timothy McVeigh on the Deuce. But while thinking about under-appreciated departments/areas of this place, I couldn't help but think about our photographers. I mean, this is speaking from experience because I did it for a while, but is there anyone in a news station who does more and gets less gratitude than a photog? I've dragged 300ft of cord through mud, in the rain while someone's yelling at me over the 2-way, or waited outside of a jail for three hours (seriously) and waited for the cops to walk someone out so I could get 10 seconds of video that I'd roll off at regular speed once and slow-mo twice to make the video last as long as the script, so I know how they feel. So in honor of every photographer at every news station, in every market, I've comprised a list of songs titles that may be on a CD if they every came out with one.

"Tha Photogs"

1. "How Can I Be 10-19, If You Won't Let Me Be 10-8"
2. "I Shot It, You Call Em'?"
3. "I Went Where You Sent Me."
4. "It's Lightening."
5. "The Cops Made Me Move."
6. "That's All the Video They Gettin'."
7. "They Sent Me Out Here For This?"
8. "Kiss My Ass."
9. "The Mast Ain't Up."
10. "I Can't See Shit."
Bonus Tracks
11. "If It Ain't Here, It Ain't Here."
11. "Give The Phone To Someone Else Please."
12. "Damnit, Dengle!"

Speaking of.... I was looking at that "Matrix Reloaded" phone list that Dengle made for us, and I've decided that that’s what they should give the "ADD" kids to ... um .... slow them down.

After thinking about what I wrote at the top, I have a feeling that I'll be single before the Noon show. Actually, to be honest, I'm sure I'll be single before the Noon show. She's probably already stopped reading and starting tearing up my pictures and erasing my numbers from her phone like that little white lady in Cingular commercial. Damnit.

TF: (Watching T.V.)
SG: "Whatcha doing Terry, watching T.V."
TF: "Yes."
SG: "Alrighty then, catcha later."

Speaking of SG's, what in the hell happened to "Socks"? I haven't saw him in a while. Is he still "security guardin'" in these parts? If so can I find out where so I'll know to stay the hell away from there? Every time I was around him I always thought about the dad from "Pet Semetary 2" who turned into the zombie and started skinning the live bunny rabbits. He kinda looks like him now that I think about it. Just go back an watch the movie.

Last quote, same movie:

Brian Fantan: "People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang."

And yes, I did watch "Anchorman" this weekend.....

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

The Vegeterian Big Mac and Tha Graphics CD

*Blog*

Had a very interesting day yesterday after getting my food from my local McDonalds. Now many of you are probably wondering what was so interesting about a trip to Micky Ds, well, that's because yesterday I purchased the world's first "Vegetarian Big Mac." Yeap, of all the ways someone could screw up an order of a basic burger, fries and drink, some idiot forgot to put my meat on my burger. So after much coaching by the Mrs, and my mother who both live for arguing with people at fast food places, I eventually called and asked to speak to a manager and that's when I really got pissed off, because apparently, the person who answered the phone, was the one who didn't put my meat on my burger. Why do I say this? Because that little asshole told me that all the managers were busy and to call them back in 15min. So I hung up the phone, and drove the 2min it takes me to get there and when I drove up the first thing I noticed was how empty the place was. Now, there's no way in hell that they can go from too busy to talk, to nobody there in 2 minutes. No way, i won't believe it. So I walk in and one of the assistant managers walks up and asks me what's was wrong, after she spotted me holding the extremely light Big Mac container, so I told her and she turned right around and looked in the idiot's face who's looking at her from behind the Parfait cooler laughing. So the actual manager comes out of the back and asks me if my Big Mac was regular, and I replied, "Yeah, I ordered it with meat." So the girl Asst. manager gives me a fresh one and a double cheese burger and all was well. As I was walking out, the guy manager started ripping the little guy a new one and that was that. So you're probably wondering why I'm telling you this. Well, because I'm wondering how in the hell, can you forget to put MEAT on a burger? I mean seriously, how? Isn't that like the first thing you put on it after you put the bread on the counter? All I had was bread, cheese, lettuce, oh, and special sauce. They remembered the special sauce but forgot the meat? Is this even possible? And what's so bad about all this is that, that boy will probably end up being a senator.

The most annoying thing that happens to me in the morning is that, no matter what I'm doing, the security guard will always tell me what I'm doing.

TF: (drinking coffee)
SG: "You're drinking coffee huh?"
TF: "Yes."
SG: "Oh, okay. I'll catcha later."

The new "Harry Potter" came out this past weekend. How old are these kids and shouldn't they start having sex soon. The seventh movie will probably be "Harry Potter and The Red Light District".

Why are the people in graphics so angry? Now they're not always angry, only when someone talks to them. Let me stop, I like all the graphics people and I have to "deal" with one, so I'll play nice. And plus, you'd be pissed off too if your department changed more than the "Griswold kids". I mean, when Martin interviews "prospective new" graphics people, he might as well be playing, "Holiday Road" in the background because the newbees usually last about two months, three at the most. But, in dedication of the angry graphics mainstays (Carisma, Paul, and Ashley), here are some song titles for the CD that they should probably come out with.

1. "No Supers for 2une In" by Ashley Coleman
2. "7:25 Ain't Nothin' but a Cut-in" by Ashley Coleman
3. "Ain't No Love in Da 6 and 10" by Carisma Ramsey and Paul Thistlewaite
4. "We Ain't Got No Monitors" by Paul Thistlewate
5. "Where Is Tha Bug?" by Chuck Bark
6. "Too Many Graphics, Not Enough News" by Carisma Ramsey
7. "The 10 Is In Jeopardy" by Paul Thistlewaite
8. "F*ck Tha Bug" by Ashley Coleman
9. "Too Late, I'm Not Doin' It" by Carisma Ramsey, feat: Paul Thistlewaite w/ Ashley Coleman
10. "Please Return Tha Graphics Tapes" by Tha Graphics Department
11. "That's Easily Done" by Paul Thistlewaite
12. "Too Many Trainees, Not Enough Employees" by Tha Graphic Department
Bonus Tracks:
13. "I Already Made Plans Martin" by Ashley Coleman
14. "I Worked Last Weekend Martin" by Carisma Ramsey
15. "Are You Serious?" by Paul Thistlewaite

Or something like that. Hey I could happen. I think they need to get started on this as soon as possible. I'll get Puff Daddy/Puffy/P-Diddy/Diddy on the line.

TF: (typing the show)
SG: "You're typing the show huh Terry?"
TF: "Yes."
SG: "Alrighty, catcha later."

From Jared:

Jared: "Jordan that's what happens when you all hellbent on world domination, but you don't have a logo made. These people who want to dominate the world don't think about marketing."

I was sitting down looking at T.V. yesterday and began to feel really old. We're all to the point that we really don't realize that some of our favorite movies and T.V. shows came out a REALLY long time ago. Seriously. Case and point, I was watching "Die Hard" yesterday, which is one of the greatest action movies of my lifetime, and realized that it came out in 1988. 1988! 17 years ago. Most of my favorite players that I remember being drafted in football and basketball are either retired or coaching. Life stinks and then you die I guess.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Things Producers Hate

*Blog*

I'd like to begin with the bastard who put the camera all the way up to my desk last night before I got in. I hope your children grow up and marry circus freaks.

Should I get excited every time I get an email from Dengle?

Someone (who will remain nameless) recently watched the first, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone". Following the viewing, "she" said that the movie was hard to follow because of the english accents. Okay. I guess if it were in all subtitles her head would explode.

Who do you think would win in a fight between two Quakers?

Decided to check my voice mail at my desk this morning. And I only have three words to say .... Ashley, Ashley, Ashley. Nearly every message on my voice mail was for Ashley. Listen princess, I'm sure that the people who return your calls want to know why you sound like a 6'4", 242lb black man when they get the voicemail. What if someone says they're gonna call you back with the winning Powerball numbers or something and you get up to go get some water, or do some jumping jacks and can't quite get back to the phone before that deadly "second" ring? I guess I can be a nice and leave you my code and stuff huh? Allow me to tell you this like Yoda, "Sorry I am. Do this, I cannot."

I think I made someone mad yesterday. Well, you know what? "Blog means never having to say you're sorry."

Story:

Apparently during my rant about the black people potentially living in trailers on that guys "plantation", someone thought that I was talking about them. Okay. Last time I checked, I didn't work with any plantation owners unless Niccy has something she wants to tell me. Actually now that I think about it, she doesn't ever say that much about her days living in Alabama.

Terry: "So Niccy, tell me about growing up in Bama'."
Niccy: "It was nice."

Louisiana. What a great state to live in right? Last week our Guv-a-nah, was voted as one of the three worst in the U.S., and yesterday, the senate passed a bill that would force people whose homes were "jacked up" in the storms to pay taxes on their property. Okay. Why would I pay taxes on a house that I don't have anymore. In the words of Gen. Honore, "That's just stuck on stupid!". I mean honestly, did they think about this at all? These are the people we elected. God help us.

Robert Wooley was on 2une In this morning. And for those of you wondering, he drove a black H2. Didn't see if it had any flames, but I think just in case, I should've sent Patrick out to get some file video ... just in case he ... um ... comes up again.

I think I saw a Michael Marsh promo on Univision yesterday.

"Noticias Dos, Miguel Marsh, en Cuatro, Cinco, Seises, y Diez."

I'm serious.

Most annoying things that happen to a producer:

- To count an anchor down from 10 to 1, only to have them talk for another 10 seconds after they hear you say 1.

- Selective IFB failure.

- The way others always believe that they know more about what's going on with the show than you do.

- Questions that are asked and answered at the same time. "How long is this 1:30 pkg?"

Just My .02, take it or leave it.

Things I Hate About Work

*Blog*

Sorry for the three day lay-off. I really don't have any excuses except for the fact that I was tired. Sue me.

I see that "Usher" has a live DVD coming out filled with ... um .... well, Usher "stuff". Pardon me while I turn into a 13 year old girl and start screaming. There are just a few things in life that I'd rather do than listen to, watch, or buy this video. Um, lets see....

1. Flush my eyes with rubbing alcohol
2. Run naked backwards through a corn field
3. Do jell-o-shots with "Nasty Nate" from "Half Baked"
4. Work in the afternoons
5. Drive a Ford

Actual Story:

"It's almost time to pay-up for Louisiana. The three-billion dollar bill from FEMA is on the way, while Louisiana waits for reimbursement from FEMA for hurricane costs. And before it's said and done, FEMA estimates the state will owe three-point-seven billion. Louisiana has 30-days after getting the bill to pay and after that, the government tacks-on penalties. Failure to pay could prompt the government to withhold federal money for things like roads and schools."

Now to that, I say this, what kind of hypocrites do we have running this country? We still owe money to people for the freaking Civil War (I am so serious, look it up.) and the federal government have the nerve to give louisiana a deadline on paying back money owed to them, that I'm not even sure we owe them to begin with. Sometimes I hate this country.

Stupid things I'm gonna buy when I hit it big:

1. Life Sized "Darth Vader" for my foyer with red spotlights.
2. A monkey
3. 200lbs of imported Bavarian Chocolate imported from Bavaria
4. One of those trains that go all over the house like little Ricky Schroeder had on "Silver Spoon"
5. A Sea turtle with a "Nike" sign on both sides.

Apparently, 4pm Matt, has turned into ESPN's Nick Bakay. I never thought I'd see the day that someone would actually take an argument further than Todd Ross, but in the words of WCW's Ernest "The Cat" Miller, "Somebody betta call my mama!". Oh my god? Matt, was the 4pm show not in jeopardy when you were turning into PTI's stat boy? People this evolved from a simple disagreement between two co-workers on who deserved to win this year's American League MVP and eventually morphed into something more disturbing than Dengle's "Unlock the Matrix" phone sheet. Okay, on one sheet of paper, there was a chart, that compared the entire batting orders of the Yankees, and the Red Sox, along with stats and an explanation at the bottom. AND...on the other side, there was a complete type-written thesis about why David Ortiz deserved the MVP award over A-Rod ... and a very intriguing argument on the Gross Domestic Product of Costa Rica and it's adverse affect on the United States economy.

Also apparently, Oprah Winfrey is supposed to be at the Bellmont this morning according to a call I received at 3:56am. The nice lady said that there's no security and probably close to a million people out there. I wasn't aware that we had a million people living in the city, and if we do, apparently they were all in the parking lot of the Bellmont this morning.

More disturbing stories from tha Deuce:

"The remaining evacuees living at the lamar dixon expo center had to leave yesterday, but thanks to a plantation owner, they had somewhere to go. The owner of Judge Poche Plantation in St. James parish made room on his land for a 35-lot trailer facility for the evacuees...."

Now, I'm not trying to be all "Angry Black Producer", but why would I want to live in a trailer on a plantation in south Louisiana? I mean, seriously, why? Hey, I'm here to tell you that we as a race still haven't gotten over that whole slavery thing, and if I can speak for everyone else, I wanna grab a can of gasoline every time I pass by one of our many "Historical Plantation Sites", and probably would have by now if gas didn't cost just as much as jet fuel. But anyway, did he think about this before he made his offer? And how long will it be before he starts waking everyone up at 4am?

Owner: "Rise-an-shine!!"
Evacuee: "Yes sir?"
Owner: "Time ta earn ya keep boy."

What in the hell? Why am I the only one bothered by this stuff?

Coming in to work this morning I found myself a little preturbed about certain things so I decided to construct or formulate a list of things I hate about work.

- The fact that camera 4 is always parked by my desk when I come in EVERY morning. Maybe I should just paint some yellow lines and a couple of blue ones with a little man in a wheelchair over it in the area by my desk.

- The new and innovative way to do something old which usually has an uncanny resemblance to the last new and innovative way they told us to start doing it, which is the same way we're doing it now?

- The fact that it looked like a damn Sasquatch took a crap in the garbage can by my desk. Honestly, I can get a new mouse pad for my computer but I can't get a new garbage can for my desk?

- The "Boreal Forest Climate" that is the control room. Did someone tell management that below freezing temps keep producers fresh? You know, the cold is bearable for those of you who do 30min shows, but for me, at the end of the two hours of 2une In, my appendages usually start falling off like Robert Patrick in "Terminator 2: Judgement Day". Seriously, this needs to stop.

- News Control smells like cat pee

- The sprinklers that are programmed to come on -- even when it rains or when I wash my car. Seriously, I've watched water shoot out of the ground at the same time it's falling out of the sky and wondered, "what the hell?".

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Women and Snake Repellant

Things Heard on the Scanner:

2:30am

Now I'm not making a joke out of this, I'm just telling you what I heard. "A blind man with a cane is reportedly walking in traffic." I'll just sit and wait for an EMS code-3 callout.


*Blog*

Have a little sad news to start off with. I found the cold lifeless body of one of my little buddies in front of the door when I got in this morning. I think it was Andy ... that's what I named him, just looks like an Andy. It appears that he was murdered by the security guard. I was semi-upset by this. However, I didn't see J-T, the other one. Hopefully he's still alive or the horror of watching Andy get murdered was just too much for him. Maybe so. I'll keep you posted.

You know, after growing up in a house full of women, working at a job (EKL) for three years being the only man in a whole department, and just paying attention to what women around me have said over the years, I've come to one conclusion, women don't think too much of men. Case in point, old ass Terry McMillan ("How Stella Got Her Groove Back", "Waiting to Exhale") was on Oprah yesterday confronting her gay ex-husband for the first time since he "came out" and she started saying things that started hammering the point home. She said things like, "I thought he was someone I could mold", and "I told him we were never gonna be old and gray together." And I was like, what the hell? I hear women say stuff like, "men are dumb", "men couldn't survive without women", "men are dumb", "men are lazy", blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth. And my question is, why are you (angry women who this apply to) so freaking angry? 9 times out of 10, the man you're taking stuff out on is not the one who made you angry to begin with. And 11 times out of 13, the man you're complaining about, is the one you wont leave, so why stereotype and categorize? There are dirty, lazy, lowdown men, just like they're dirty, lazy, low down women. So for the 06', please let us let go and start over. (This message was paid for by the Teiryn M. Fields campaign.)

Todd R. is apparently upset about meeting his demise at the hands of Mr. 5, 6 and 10 in QC DM the other day. I think this means that our kids won't play together now.

Derek McCoy, I accidentally stepped on your "timesheet" when I went in Martin's office the other day to put the DVD on his desk. So you probably should have had a 13 inch footprint covering your timesheet when you turned it in earlier this week. Ironically, I believe that this was obviously some kind of metaphor for life, "The Man keeping his foot on the little man holding him down." Sorry.

From Niccy in her "Eric Cartman" voice while looking on the internet:

NW: "I don't know why I'm looking at diamonds, because my boyfriend won't be buying me one anytime soon."
TF: "Can I write that down?"
NW: "Yes."

Okay I can't be the only person who thought that whole "Second Chance Academy" story we aired yesterday sounded a lot like "Lean On Me". I was waiting on Morgan Freeman to pop up in the middle of the story complaining through a bullhorn about kids not knowing the school song.

I come in everyday wondering what I'm gonna write about, and stuff like this just falls in my lap. Apparently Rasha is a Vietnamese (viet-ma-negro) stripper from the French Quarter with a "peg-leg", who likes long walks in the park, pretzels, and the internet after she get's off. I can't explain it, you're gonna have to ask her. But to make a long story short, I'm probably going to hell now for even witnessing what I saw. Damnit.

2:51am -- still no EMS callout. Lets keep our fingers crossed.

Mr. Clark: "Sams! Sams! Do you know the words to the school song?"
Sams: "No, Mr. Clark!"
Mr. Clark: "Does anyone in here know the school song?"
Kid in bathroom: "Fair East Side ... hi-igh......"

I know I do a lot in the mornings, but I think I look a little too relaxed at times when people start showing up in the mornings. So I think, one day I'm gonna wear one of those cheap white dress shirts with the pocket in the front, some reading glasses, and keep a pencil behind my ear. I'm gonna put a fan on my desk with little strips of paper tied to it so they just sort of flap around. Next I'll put some balled up wrappers of "bazooka" gum all over my desk and when someone asks me a question I just snap at them and then turn and wipe my forehead with the back of my hand.

TR: "So, Terry, is everything cool? Anything blow up?"
TF: "Would you just shut the hell up!!"
(Terry wipes his forehead with the back of his hand.)

"Some-times in our lives ... we all have pain ... we all have sor-row. But ... if we are wise, we know that there's ... always to-mor-row. Lean on me!! When you're not strong ... and I'll be your friend ... I'll help you ca-rry on, for it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on!"

3:39am, still no code 3 EMS callout, but someone was transported to a hospital for hallucinating. Just thought I should mention this.

Speaking of EMS, "The Mrs." apparently thought that it was time for us to begin seeing other people last night. This came after she got out of the car while we were in the drive thru at Taco Bell and got out a bag of "Snake Repellant", which is basically poison, and showed it to me (they have a snake problem around there house). Why am I telling you this? Well, because I almost didn't make it out of that drive-thru. Apparently she had no idea that it wasn't a good idea to put an extremely potent poison in a closed-in area with an asthmatic. Listen, I love you sweetheart, but 25 is not a particularly good age to die, and in no way, shape, or form do I want to be the first black man to die in a Mitsubishi, after having an asthma attack, triggered by snake repellant, in the drive-thru at Taco Bell. And on top of that, my family and friends would have gotten to see Todd Ross and Michael Marsh battle it out to see who could make my death sound more dramatic.

Sample teases:

MM: "Death, nachos, and snake repellant at a local Taco Bell shocks a North Baton Rouge community. That story at 4."
TR: "Coming up in a story you'll see only on News Two, because we have a super that says, "Only On News Two", which will be up the whole time. A local man dies at Taco Bell -- without actually eating the food. We'll have more, on 2une In."

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Celebrity Guest Hosts

(Today's blog is brought to you by Pepto Bismol)
(Closed Captioned for the hearing impaired)
(Simulcast in stunning High Definition Google)

*Blog*

I think someone may have "took out" my little buddies who usually greet me at the door in the mornings. I'm kind of upset by this, but I don't know if I should be.

Random 2am telephone call:

TF: "Channel 2, this is Terry."
RC: "Ay man ... somebody call me from that numba!!!"
TF: "No Sir."
RC: "Oh okay. Somebody musta had the wrong number, or I hit the wrong button or somethin'."

If Outkast and Pharell ever got together and came out with an entire CD together, people's heads would be exploding all over the country.

I was watching Jay Leno this morning and during his monologue, he talked about a 26 year old man in Orlando, Florida who just discovered that he was black. Just thought I should pass that on.

Jay: "Apparently there are no mirrors in Orlando."

Okay this needs to be said. Is it me, or has Skylar Green been at LSU for like 8 years? Seriously, I'm pretty sure that boy was catching passes from Rohan and Josh Booty. Exactly when does eligibilty run out for NCAA athletes? Aren't we in the information business? Can someone look into this? And why am I the only one bothered by it?

Actual control room conversation from yesterday:

Ricco: "I wanna get my little girl a dog that's not gonna get too big."
Dawn: "Get her a miniature pincher."
Ricco: "I don't wanna get her anything mean."
Dawn: "They're not mean. They're very family oriented."

Apparently miniature pinchers are being bred by Dr. Phil.

Actual exchange between Niccy and I this morning, while watching the "Girls Gone Wild" informercial:

NW: "I'm too old to be on Girls Gone Wild."
TF: "And you're not hot enough either."
NW: "What?!! Hey I was on Girls Gone Wild once."
TF: "What the first one? Cave-girls Gone Wild?"

Random AP story:

"A woman has been arrested for padding her bra - with a stolen rare parrot. Jill Knispel, 35, hid the Greenwing parrot in her bra after taking it from her employer, Baby Exotic Birds of Englewood, police said. When Knispel went to trade the bird for a vintage car, she told the car's owner how she got the animal, according to the Fish and
Wildlife Conservation Commission. Turns out the car's owner is friends with the man who owns the $2,000 bird. DNA tests confirmed the bird's identity and Knispel was charged with grand theft."

Okay.

I was standing by the printers in the newsroom and had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. I was hit with a brilliant idea. Seeing as though we're in ratings and all, I think we should make every friday "Celebrity Fridays". Okay, you're gonna have to hear me out now, we can have Hollywood stars anchoring in every position on the show for the entire two hours. My god. Could you imagine this? I should really be in charge of something before I die, because I'll tell you what, I'm wasting far too many ideas on you people and the Mrs., who just looks at me like I have a third eye at times. I already have the hosts in mind for this Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger in Todd's spot, in Whitney's spot, and Mike Tyson doing weather. This is such a good idea that I almost didn't wanna write it down, but I think it'd go a little like this....

(2une In Open Rolls)

AS: "Gu-ud Friday Morning. I'm ya supah-fantastic celebrity host Arnold Schwarzenegger, filling in for Todd Ross. And here are my guest co-hosts, David Engle filling in for Whitney Va-ann, and filling in for Dave Nussbaum is former boxing heavyweight champion, and convicted rapist, Iron Mike Tyson."
MT: "I'm so ex-static to be here this morning. It's just a tremendous feeling hosting a show with you Arnold."
AS: "Thanks Iron Mike, the plea-sure is all mine."
(Arnold turns and looks at Dengle)
AS: "Who are yuu?"
DE: "What?"
AS: "You!! I'm talking to you Dengle!! Who's ya dad-dy, and what does he do?"
DE: "Huh? What? I work the desk."
AS: "You're not celebrity! Why are you he-rre?
DE: "I don't know. What?"
AS: "Just get out. Lets toss to a real ce-le-brity, the supah-fantastic Iron Mike Tyson. So Iron Mike, how's the weather looking out the-rre this mor-ning?"
MT: "Oh my god, Arnold, it's ludacris. The dense fog is so dense. It's by far the dense-est fog I think I've seen in a long time."
(he walks to the wall as Traffic and weather open rolls)
MT: "People if you don't have something important to do this morning, you might probably want to think about considering staying at home. I mean lets take a look outside...just look at that. People the fog is just unbare-able, the dense fog is in-penertrable, like my impregnable defenses when I fought Andrew Golota some years back. So lets go to the national maps now, and as you can see here, this seems to look like some kind of pressure system over Bute, Montana, not too sure though. We got some southerly winds blowing out of the south, don't know how serious that is, so if you're watching, you might wanna be careful out there. Coming out west toward southern Cali-fornia ....
(Arnold cuts him off)
(off screen)
AS: "I'm the guv-an-nah the-rre!!"
MT: "...I know Arnold, that's fantastic. But it's lookin' pretty good for Arnold's state today -- mostly cloudy skies, so I guess that makes it partly sunny. You can expect tem-per-a-tures to be in the mid-80s today, with a 32 percent chance of snow flurries. So you may want to make note of that. That's all for your weather ... lets take a look at twaffik ... It's all clear on inner-states this morning, our twaffik shot takes us out to Inner-state 10 at Mirb where it appears to be flowing fantastically, so your commute should be fine if you're driving in that direction. If you're going down one of the streets where twaffik isn't flowing all that great, like the incomplete part of I-49, it might take you longer to get to work, so call your bosses and tell them you're gonna be late. That's it for weather and twaffik, lets send it back to the desk with Arnold and Dengle. Arnold?"
AS: "Thanks Iron Mike. Now for tu-day's nuuws, and we begin with a ter-rible shuuting in the ca-pi-tul city, because your guv-a-nah, is not as strong as myself and that's why yuu people have so much vio-lence he-rre. Details are sketchy, but police say the victim tried to get down and run to the choppah but didn't make it. Stay tuned to nuus tuu, for the very latest."

Or something along those lines. Someone needs to make this happen. Seriously, it could change lives.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Not Quite Celebrities

Things Heard Over the Scanner:

2:22am

Report of a hispanic male running through the parking lot of the FEMA trailer park on Groom Rd. He's being chased by a black male holding a gun.
"Andalee', Andalee', Vamanos!!"

Blog

My little buddies were outside waiting on me again this morning. It appears as if this will be a regular occurrence. Who do I have to thank for this "special treatment"?

1:46am: There is no news. There isn't no news. There ain't no damn news. Damnit.

Most Disturbing News I've heard in months:

"Laila Ali and her husband/manager's divorce is final. The two have been separated since January and their divorce became final November 1st. She briefly mentioned it on the red carpet of BET's 25 Anniversary show last night. A close friend of the boxing champ tells Atlanta Gossip, (AG) that Laila has finally come to grips with her true sexuality and is happy with her new found freedom and is dating Grammy nominated actress, rapper, singer, Queen Latifah."

Now we've all pretty much agreed that Queen Latifah was an um, "switch hitter", but looking at the fact that I've never seen her with a guy that wasn't standing on a set, it's safe to say that she's a "Designated Hitter", so the lesbo news about her was not surprising at all. Now as far as the Laila news, I might need therapy, muffins, and apple juice to get over this one. My girlfriend swears that she looked like she could be gay (*secret* a woman will always find something wrong with an attractive woman; "She's not cute." "Is that what you like?" "I don't like her dress." etc.) because she boxes. But I'm like, her dad boxed and she's just trying to take after her dad. That doesn't take away from the fact that she's beautiful. Who knows, but I'm still shocked. Shocked.

Why is the music industry getting upset about illegal downloading....ah....I mean "file sharing"? I feel like this, if it's on the net, at least one person had to buy it right? And plus, the whole "illegal downloading" thing took off as the quality of music began to slide. Don't tell me I'm stealing because I chose to download for "free" the one or two decent songs out of the 15 you prominently featured on your CD, rather than give you 15 bucks for two "okay" songs and 13 I don't like. If anyone has been stealing anything it's been them stealing money out of our wallets. There haven't been five quality CD's out at the same time since the late 90's and if anyone can think of five that were decent that were out at the same time over the last five years, please let me know. The real crooks don't reside in dormrooms and bedrooms across the country, they can be found in any high-rise building. Damnit.

Apparently "Cox" is the "clear choice" Really?

Random Movie Quote:

"I swear that if another person in here says the word shenanigans, I'll pistol whip the hell out of him."
"Hey Jeff, what's the name of that restaurant you like so much with all the goofy shit on the wall and the mozarella sticks?"
"Yeah, Shenanigans!!"
"Oooohhhhh!!!"

Todd gets the "Dumbest Thing I've Ever Scene on T.V." trophy. Todd drank a mouth full of liquid nitrogen ... liquid nitrogen on the air this morning. In the words of ECW great, announcer Joey Styles, "I think he might be dead."

Just got an idea for a new show called "Quasi-Celebrity Deathmatch". It would go a little like this...

JG: "Welcome to a special edition of MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez, along with my co-host Nick Diamond."
ND: "And joining us today is a special guest co-host, Greg Meriwether, known as Streetbeat" to both of his fans ladies and gentleman."
GM: "Good evening guys, thank you for having me."
ND: "Greg you'll be in match a little later on tonight against News Two's Tony Jones in a battle of Streetbeat vs. Beatstreet."
GM: "Yeah that's right guys."
JG: "So Greg, what's your beef with Tony?"
GM: "Well, guys it's like this, this city is only big enough for one Streetbeat and to be honest, I think that Tony has to go."
ND: "Strong words from an angry subpar reporter ladies and gentleman. We'll have that match a little later, but coming up right now is our featured match of the night between News Two's 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 o'clock anchor Michael Marsh, and 2une In and Noon anchor, Todd Ross."
JG: "That's right Nick, it's a fight for face time, the battle for every show at News Two."
ND: "It's Quasi-Celebrity Deathmatch tonight people -- people who aren't quite celebrities, but whose faces are recognizable within a 75 mile radius nonetheless."
GM: "And we have a special guest referee for the match today, News two's John Pastoreck." ND: "Let's get started. Here's referee J-P."
(He walks in and grabs the mic.)(Michael and Todd are already in the ring.)
JP: "Alright, let's get it on!!"
(They walk to the center of the ring)
JP: "I want a nice clean fight, first one to die loses."
TR: "You couldn't handle 2une In, Marsh."
MM: "I can't handle it cause I didn't want it Ross."
TR: "We'll see..."
(Todd grabs Marsh by the ears and rams his head into his knee)
ND: "OOOhhh, Ross with the knee to the face...."
(He starts headbutting Marsh until he falls down.)
(Marsh begins pulling something out of his trunks.)
GM: "Guys, what's he doing? Marsh has something in his trunks, what's that?"
(it's an IFB cable, Marsh jumps up and wraps it around Todd's neck and begins choking him. Todd begins turning blue)
GM: "Ross is in trouble guys, he's in trouble. Oh, scooby, dooby doo, where are you, we've got some work for you now."
(Todd has turned black. And he's not moving. Marsh continues to choke him.)
ND: "I think we may have a winner soon barring some kind of miracle comeback by Ross"
(Referee J-P pulls out a crowbar and "does marsh in". )
JG: "What's going on? J-P just knocked out Marsh just as he was wrapping up the easy victory!"
(Todd's color comes back and he gets up, grabs Marsh and begins punching the holy hell out of him.)
GM: "Guys, the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, and so is Ross!"
(Johnny leans over and whispers to Nick about Greg)
JG: "Where did they get this guy from again?"
ND: "An idiot convention possibly?"
(Todd's still "going to town" on Marsh. He shoves his wireless mic box in Marsh's mouth)
TR: "Yeah, speak on that. You better respect 2une In and Noon. Three hours of T.V., you break it up that's six 30 minute shows a day. 30 shows a week bitch!"
(He pulls out a gun and tries to shoot Marsh, but he disappears....)
JG: "Ross tries to finish off Marsh with the Desert Eagle .50, but he just vanished."
ND: "Where'd he go?"
(Marsh is invisible. He begins hitting Todd from all angles. He pushes a knife through Todd's back and it comes all the way through his chest. Todd's dead. Marsh suddenly reappears and pulls off a ring.)
ND: "Ross is dead. All that's left now is for Referee J-P to give him the win."
GM: "Guys, Marsh used the Ring of Power, the one ring that controls all. "
(J-P walks over to Marsh to raise his hand but doesn't. He just stands there with his arms folded smiling and then he points behind Marsh. A creature comes of the crowd and begins pummelling Marsh with a big rock until he's a bloody mess."
JG: "Oh my god, it's Smeagol, where did he come from?"
GM: "Guys, Marsh has "the precious", and he wants it back and he's obviously willing to kill to get it."
Smeagol: "MUST HAVE THE PRECIOUS!! SMEAGOL WANTS IT!! FILTHY ANCHORS STEALS IT FROM US!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!"
(Marsh is dead. Referee J-P walks over and raises Smeagol's hand. Smeagol wins.)
JG: "Smeagol gets the win in the unlikeliest of matches. "
ND: "And along with the win, Greg and Johnny, most importantly, he got back the precious."



Hey it could happen. Maybe.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Munster, Go Home

(Today's blog is brought to you by Chili Cheese Fritos)
(This blog is not for the slow or illiterate)
(Simulcast in stunning High Definition Google)

Blog

When I got in this morning, there were two really big roaches just sitting in front of the door. Side by side, as if they were waiting for me. As I got all the way to the door, they just turned and walked off. I guess they were waiting to see if I got here okay. Oh well, we'll see if this keeps up.

Buyer Beware --- do not buy anything out of the refrigerated snack machine! The tuna salad looks like fried peanut butter so it's safe to say that if you do decide to eat anything out of there, you should probably have all of your business in order.

Staying with the snack machines now...why is it that the majority of the snack cakes in the snack machine are by "Mrs. Freshley's" but most of the time they're stale? I can't be the only one who's thought about this.

From SG Bob, while watching the last leg of the "What's Happening" marathon on "TV Land" this morning:

"I recognize that music...that's ole' Rerun!!"

According to the SU police department and other school officials, there was apparently a sex party on campus involving some football players. The dean of students said that seven students were disciplined -- I'd say because he was probably not invited. But my question is, were any of the Minnesota Vikings prominently involved and were the girls required purify their bodies in the waters of "Lake Minetonka" before arriving?

What's so sad about that last statement is, only about five people or so, who actually remember "Purple Rain" got it.

Submission by Rick Portier ... from about 3 weeks ago:

"Love the blog. Heard a song last week that you might like to feature in your interludes."
"Why must i chase the cat. Why must i be like that. Nothing but the dog in me. Nothing but the dog in me."

Just a thought.

Rick"

I encourage the participation of others into the completion of this blog as well as support education. (cue the little Sylvan Learning Center music.)

For Niccy and Paul:

"Tears stream ... down your face ... I promise you, I will learn from my mistakes. Tears stream ... down your face And I ... Lights ... will gui-de you home ... And ignite your bones. And ... I will try to fix you."

Hey Eddie, I got a "Munsters" question for you. Why was Marilyn the only normal looking one you guys?

Yeah I know, soon as I get over one grudge I pick up another one. Now I got this whole "Munsters" crap with Eddie. And I'm sure none of you thought I'd ever get over that whole Rasinet thing. Neither did I.

Customer: "Excuse me, this a Hamburger. I wanted a cheese burger."
Waiter: "Oh I'm sorry, I wanted a faithful wife."

If pancakes and waffles are made from the exact same stuff (batter), why do waffles taste so much better?

From ESPN.com:

"Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who allegedly were having sex with each other in a bathroom stall at a Tampa, Fla., nightclub were arrested and charged early Sunday following a run-in with patrons and police. According to a police report obtained by the CBS TV affiliate in Tampa and the Charlotte Observer, Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas were arrested following an incident at Banana Joe's, in Tampa's Channelside district, at 2:10 a.m. ET. In the police report, witnesses claimed Thomas and Keathley were having sex with each other in a stall when other patrons grew angry that the two were taking so long in the bathroom."

And folks, I am in the information business, so if you would like to see what these ladies look like, go to NFL.com and click on the Panthers logo and then cheerleaders. Just thought that I should pass this on.

Todd got here kinda early this morning, he must have slept in his car. And speaking of Todd, I think that we should all just start calling he and Dave N. "Jake and Elwood Blues".

Okay, I know I have pretty much run this one into the ground, but I just can't get over how annoying that damn, "In the Know", GMA theme song is. I'm serious. How did that meeting go when they were throwing around ideas?

Pres.: "We need a new hipper theme song for Good Morning America."
VP: "What do you suggest?"
Pres: "We need a song that's so annoying that it will have people jumping off buildings, but at the same time, so catchy that it will get stuck inside their heads."
VP: "I'm on it."

Things that I fear the most:

1. Anything happening to a family member.

2. The Mrs. leaving me for any reason.

3. Someone stealing my car and State Farm not giving me enough money for a Corvette down payment.

4. My ex-girlfriend from 5 years ago -- 90 pounds of utter hate and disdain wrapped in a package smaller than a ham and cheese "lunch-a-ble".

5. Putting a $5 bill into the change machine in the break room and the machine not giving me anything back.

From Tom W.:

"Pats Coats for kids? Todd should come up with one. We can call it Todd's Tube Tops for Teenagers."

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Two Cents

Welcome back people, because much like the McRibb on the menu at Mickey D’s, I’ve been gone for far too long. I’d like to thank everyone for reading over the last couple of months, sorry about the little hiatus, but it was for good reason; I’ll get to that in a second. Now, in case you don’t remember, I started writing this around the end of the summer after it evolved into something that stemmed from some silly comments I would write at the end of the “Morning Updates”. After it gained a little popularity, I decided to make it something entirely separate from the “Morning Update” and there it was.

So, after sending it to about 6 people for about a month or so, our fearless leader told me during a meeting that I should probably start sending it to everyone and that was that. Or was it? Children, come sit on Terry’s lap so he can tell you a story; not in that Michael Jackson/Catholic Priest kinda way, but nonetheless, sit down. Now, if you build a bird house in the back yard, and your friend next door builds a bird house but your bird house sucks to the point where rather than come inside, the birds paint it with Graffiti, why get upset?

“Redbirds fool, recanize!!”
“O.G. killa blue birdz …. Kakaaaaa!!”

If your house just sucks, it sucks, don’t get mad, that’s just a part of life. Someone will always be better than you, no way around it. And you’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with anything. Well, I’m telling you this because someone apparently got jealous because my bird house was better than there’s. You see, much like drugs, my blog was offered to everyone, not forced. Some of you chose to shoot up, some a little more than others, while others chose to pass it up, and I’m cool with that. Just consider me your blog pusher. Now a little birdie told me that apparently someone was jealous because they had a blog too, only much like their bird house, their blog sucked. Everybody gathered around and talked about my blog, while they posted there’s in a window, literally, and no one cared to read it. Now, I won’t mention this person’s name, but let’s just call him Eddie Munster. And I have a message for Eddie, “Grow up.”

I mean, this honestly pisses me off. I haven’t been this upset since that nasty Rasinet incident from a couple of months ago. But, I’ll be fine, really. Thanks to all my readers for returning, a lot has happened over the last couple of weeks, but I’ll try and fill everyone in on what’s been happening.

Blog

Curtis Jackson has 50, but only got 2 and here’s both of em’! Welcome back.

Now, there’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and then there’s a sleepy Chris Stevens filling in on 2une In half Dave. Now in Chris’ defense, it was early and I don’t think he’s ever worked that shift, but in one week this man gave us such classics as “Titney Vann”, “Interstate 10 at Mirb (MRB)”, and more 30 second weathercasts than those Cingular wireless text message updates. But in all Chris did okay. Sorry to hear about that nasty little spill in the studio the other day Chris.

I think Socks McDunnah, was let go. It’s a sad day for six shooter revolvers, tube socks, and stalker laws.

Is it possible for an entire building to know about something but two people who supposedly talk to and get along with everyone be completely left in the dark for nearly a year. Yeah, that’s what I said too.

If something unfortunate happens to Greg at 9, and they somehow persuade Tony to leave “Tha Deuce”, do you think that anyone in 9’s viewing audience would notice? Neither do I.

I haven’t seen this many blondes in one place at the same time since Girls Gone Wild Mardis Gras.

And speaking of … we have a new employee … again. Apparently they’ve begun selling them at “Whole Foods”.

This morning there was in this order, a chair, foot powder, and little strips of paper in the men’s bathroom across from the edit bays. I don’t know what went on there, and I don’t wanna know.

I’m still not talking to you Claire.

A few whassups:

Jarred, Carisma, Mike Sellers (two tds, couple of weeks ago, good job), Sana (now you’re hip to how my life is going), Veronica, Derek, Rick, and Lindsey, who will be driving us to hell following comments she made while talking to me on Thursday.

Just my two cents, take it or leave it.