Thursday, June 08, 2006

Gold Ole' Southern Security Guardin'

*Blog*

First thing's first -- this blog has made more comebacks than Magic Johnson. And apparently people have been finding it by accident on the net while doing other searches. I got a call from an old co-worker about 2:30 this morning, Mr. Louis David, who stumbled across it trying to find some stuff about another T.V. station. Told me how much he liked it, and asked me how often do I update it. I said, "Not too regular anymore", and he was like, "Oh". So, for Louis, Lindsey who's still checking up in Dallas, and Veronica Mosgrove who no longer talks to me -- here's another comebacks. Don't know how long this one will last but here goes nothing. Enjoy.

A lot has happened since I last blogged. I saw "Akeehla and the Bee", through no fault of my own. But it was an educational experience, because I realized that you can't kill yourself by simply holding your breath for long periods of time. Don't ask me how I know this, just trust me. But on a happier note, Mr. Fields and Ms. Ramsey are officially engaged. I know, I know, women all over the United States will probably start drinking the "Jim Jones" kool-aid now, but I had to do it. She's too good of a woman to let go, and I promised not to turn her into a life-long girlfriend. She deserves it.

Just for shit's, giggles, and educational purposes, I really need to get a bottle of that "Tag" body spray.

The ants in my neighborhood are mexican. Hear me out. Washed my car one day around 12 and didn't see anything in my yard. Went in the house and came back out a couple of hours later to find several well constructed ant mounds. I was like, "What in the hell?" And I came to the conclusion that they were Mexican. Because only a Mexican can build something that fast, that sturdy.

Ok, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie -- (I refuse to call the Brangelina, but I guess I just did.) are officially getting on my nerves. I get entertainment weekly, and I promise you there was an article in every single issue about the two. If not them, damn Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Anniston. Enough already. Who really gives a shit. And the thing that tops everything is the fact that some assholes just paid Brad and Angie 4-million dollars for pictures of their kid. What in the hell? The world is going crazy.

News topic:

What in the hell has been up with all the stabbings in our area? Someone has gotted "sliced" damn near every day for the last month. Baton Rouge is slowly turning into the club scene near the end of the "Kill Bill: Vol 1". Just crazy.

"Silly Rabbit, tricks are for kids...."

Apparently, Dengle, Socks McDunnah, and the Stephanies (Duhon and Moffet) has been replaced by The Mute.

According to Niccy:

Niccy: "White people can't dance so we're going to play cheesy 80's music at our wedding."

And I didn't even make that one up. That's all Niccy.

Random T.V. quote:

"Ghost Dad is the greatest movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6!"

Security guard bob has been replaced by security guard james, and there's one thing that I learned. No matter who's security guardin', the all complain about hours and hate their road supervisor. I know this because they all open up to me like a poor man's barbara walters. But sadly enough, old S-G Bob is no longer with us. Them man who's had more "blog hits" than Dengle, is no longer with us. So in honor of old S-G Bob, I compiled a list of the "Greatest S-G Bob Moments" from the last year. Here goes nothing.

5. The Riff Raff

4/19/06

Bob: "Were you here last week when he had all that riff-raff?"
Terry: "No."
Bob: "Well, some lady showed up demanding that we put her on air. We asked her to leave but she said she wasn't going anywhere until we put her on the air. So I told her, Ma'am, you're on private property and you have to leave. She refused again, so I told her, you can either leave on your own accord, or I can call the cops and have them carry your ass outta here. So she said, "What's your name". I said, "Bob Jones." And then she asks, "You gotta badge?" I said, "No, but I gotta gu-un!"
Terry: (can't stop laughing)

4. Bathroom Talk

5/3/06

Why is it that people try to talk to you while you're in the bathroom, "doing your business". I was in the bathroom this morning standing in a stall, "doing my business", when Security Bob comes in ...

(Door opens)
TF: (Under his breath) "shit."
SG: "AAAAAAYYYYY"
TF: "Hey Bob."
SG: "How ya doing?"
TF: (can't "go" anymore) "Fine. You?"
SG: "Okay for a Tuesday!"
(Terry walks over and washes hands and notices Bob's peach sitting on the sink.)

3. "Is That Greg?


1/30/06

"Actual morning exchange while Security Guard Bob was standing by Whitney's desk:

SGB: "Is that Greg Meriwhether?"
TF: "No."
SGB: "Well he looks like him."

2. The Vagrant.

4/6/06

SGB: "We got a vagrant living on the premises Terry."
TF: "Really?"
SGB: "Yeah ole' Pallas told us about it Yesterday. She says that someone noticed a cardboard box and a tent set up out by the Heli-pad, and she wanted us to check it out tonight."
TF:"Really?"
SGB: "Yep. So I'm gonna go down there and check it out. Before I go I'm gonna need your cell phone number, just in case. If you hear gun shots call the cops."
TF: "Really?"
(he left and came back at 3:30am)
SGB: "i'm on my way out there. Oh yeah, and if I ain't back by 4, you call the cops."
TF: "okay."

1. The snake incident of 9/28. This got me more emails than anything I ever blogged.

9/28/06

"You know, people might wonder how I work on this shift, working these ungodly hours but it's not that bad. First off, I can't work in the day -- too many people, too many spoons in the pot stirring in too many different directions -- can't do it. Secondly, you never know what you're gonna see at night. Now for the most part, it's pretty dull, but once, just every once in a while, something happens that can't be explained; just crazy, funny, or weird -- sometimes all at the same time. Case in point, this morning around 4am, I was at my desk typing away when (WX) Dave walks in and says, "Hey guys, there's a snake in the weather office." So me and (SG) Bob walked in and sure enough, there he was, a "brown rattler" curled up in the weather office. So Bob took one of the golf clubs that were in there and proceeded to murder the poor reptile while Dave and I snapped pictures with our cell phones. Now to add insult to .... err .... murder, Bob took the snakes body to the back and dropped it down in the cage with the raccoon, who then decided to eat the snake. All of this happened over a five minute span. Now you might still say, "why work that shift" and I'll say, "why not?" You never know what you're gonna see. I got to see a middle aged security guard beat down a baby rattle snake with a "3-wood" at 4 in the morning. You just never know."

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Aren't We All Immigrants?

*Blog*

Crazy weekend, kinda. Saturday me and the Mrs., excuse me, the Mrs. and I, were at home watching ... well I don't know what the hell we were watching, but anyway we heard the rain, and then heavy wind gusts and I just blew it off. A little while later, my mom called and said, "Terry!", and I said, "What?". "A tornado touched down in the front of the neighborhood!". I was like, "okay." The next day I drove the black beast a few streets over and saw all the people working on a few roofs in the neighborhood. Just crazy and a little scary. And then there was the draft...

If I can steal a line from my good buddy Tanna Ogeron, coming to us live from Savannah, GA., or Orlando, FLA., or some freaking-where-in-Europe, "Dude, I can't wait to buy Madden now. And I can safely say that the speaks for me, as well as every heterosexual male (i doubt that there are homosexual madden tournaments) between the ages of 8 to deceased living along the gulf coast. Seriously, now I'm not a die hard USC, or Reggie Bush fan, but hey, at least they didn't take a tackle. Some people are trying to downplay the Saints taking Reggie, but truth be told, this is probably the franchise's biggest pick since Archie Manning, Willie Roaf, and Ricky Williams (yeah they traded an entire draft for him and it was a bit much, but he was productive for us.). I don't know what they plan to do with Deuce now that Bush is there, or Michael Bennett whom we signed from Minnesota. Who knows, but I'm just glad that the team didn't take a tackle.

Random thought:

Had to ask, shouldn't the "Get Answers" promos feature reporters?

While watching the draft on and off this weekend, every time ESPN's Suzy Colber talked, all I heard was "Broadway" Joe Namath saying, "I wanna kiss you right now."

Okay, there's something in the news, both national and local that's been really "irking" me. This whole immigrants coming into the country and working, starting gangs, working and starting gangs, selling oranges, selling peanuts, shooting porn ... I don't know. Everyone's going crazy. Now about a month ago an immigration bill popped up in Washington and now much to the dismay of contractors everywhere, all the immigrants are going "welga". Yep, that's right. Cab drivers and cheap laborers all over the country will tell us "Lazy Americans" to kiss their collective asses today, by boycotting work, school, and shopping. But why are we so hard on these people coming into our country? They just want the same opportunities we have (although opportunities for them seem to come a lot more frequent). So with that, I ask you this question, "Aren't we living in a country settled and founded by immigrants -- illegal immigrants?" Last time I read my social studies book, I don't remember them saying anything about the pilgrims stopping by the immigration/naturalization office for green cards. Or was that "privileged information" located deep within "The Mayflower Compact"? Did El Conquistador Hernando Cortez have his "papers" in order when he came a lied to the "native" americans, telling them he was god before he made off with their "goods"? What about the "patriots" who fought for "sovereignty from Britain? Immigrants people. They were all illegal immigrants. Yeah, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but when the Indians were showing the Pilgrims how to plant corn, while they were coincidentally making them sick at the same time, they were there illegally. Christopher Columbus? May as well have been Jose Rodriguez the roofer getting paid under the table by "daddy" for services rendered on the weekend. Sometimes I forget, but we really are a country full of hypocrites. Hey damnit, "Los Bloges" is not only entertainment, it's also educational. For the kids.

By the way, since all the Mexicans are on strike today, shouldn't the city of "Gonzales" be closed? And can I reserve my copy of Madden 07'

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

The Path of the Righteous Man...

*Blog*

Okay, I've been watching this show on "Univision" every morning at 4am, "Primer Impacto" .... for obvious reasons ... and let me tell you this, it's a cross between CNN's "Student News" and "Kid's Incorporated" (highly popular sindicated 80's kid show). Seriously. Speaking of which, does anyone realize that the 80's were three decades ago?

I really don't think it's a coincidence that this place highly resembles a mosileum. And what's so bad is that I don't even have to elaborate on that comment.

Looks like Ole' Willie Nagin has made it into the runoff for New Orleans Mayor against Mitch Landrieu. I drove through N.O. the other day and noticed Ump-Loompas putting up campaign signs everywhere. Also, there's been talks of Nagin putting a Chocolate fountain in front of city hall if he wins. We'll have to wait and see.

Random Observation:

Apparently, Marsh, Andrea, and Sylvia are the only ones "Getting Answers", that is if you go from the "Getting Answers" promos I've seen. But I do have an idea, since no one else, "Get's Answers", I'm gonna change every story in my newscast to a question, so the people working in the evening, can "answer" them. Here's an example:

[Anchor:TODD]
{ Todd }
Is the early voting in new orleans in just two weeks?
Will early voting for the new orleans mayoral race runoff finally begin for evacuvees living here in baton rouge?
[TAKE VO]
{***VO***}
Exactly what does Secretary of State, Al Ater, seen here in this video, think?
What does Ater plan to do different, if anything in the runoff?
Will there be early voting this time around and if so, where can you vote?
Who even won the elections?
[TAKE: ON CAM TAG]
{***ON CAM TAG***}
Well if you want answers to these questions, News Two's Michael Marsh, Andrea Clesi, and Sylvia Weatherspoon will have them for you, as well as answers to the GMAT, GRE, ACT's, and cheat codes to Final Fantasy 10.

(And then they'll come on at five, six, and ten and read the story like normal. It could work. I'll get right on it.)

Todd's been running his "Dangerous Levees" packages this week. Good stuff I guess, but the thing that gets me is how everyone he interviews in his package acts like they're so surprised when they see the conditions of the levees that didn't give. Okay, now I can't be the only one scratching his head at the fact that, didn't they know the levees were "jacked" up already? Why is everyone acting so surprised? Every year since the early 60's, it's been the same song and dance every year, "If a hurricane makes it into the gulf, and hit New Orleans at the right angle, it's going to be a disaster." Every single year, 40 years, the same thing, until it actually happened, and now, everyone's acting as if they had no idea. I'll never understand.

Probably had one of the worst shows I've ever produced this (4/27/06) morning. Didn't look bad on "AIR" but lets just say that this was the first show since I've been producing that I've ever actually been upset afterwards. Everyone wanting me to cram shit in, no one (but weather Dave) listening to time cues, and people not paying attention. It absolutely sucked to the point where I didn't want to talk to anyone after the show. I hate people sometimes.

White elephant in the room:

Well, my good buddy and fellow blogger, Rick Portier no longer works at the Hindenberg ....eh...WBRZ. I've heard several different scenarios that led to Rick's departure, but they all have the same ending and that is, with Rick no longer working here. So out of respect for Rick, I won't go into details of what I've heard here in "Los Bloges". I only want to use this space to wish Mr. Turdpolisher and his family all the best of luck. Thanks for all of your help man and remember when one door closes three doors open -- you'll land on your feet. But before I go, let me leave you with a quote from my all-time favorite film:

"There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."

Take it easy man. Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Doors of the Church Are Open

(Tried to post this yesterday (4/18), but every computer I tried to get on told me no. So I tried today...enjoy.)

*Blog*

(Today's Blog is brought to you by "Peeps", now on sale at a Walmart near you, 10 packs for a Dollar)

Well, I hope everyone had a good Easter. Hope you had lots-o-eggs-candy-cakes-and-pies. Mine was okay, except for the fact that the black beast was in the shop the entire time I was off. Just got it back yesterday, and lets just say, payday can't come soon enough. To make a long story short let me just say this, it's not good to start adding "power adders" to your vehicle without upgrading everything around the car -- like for instance, motor mounts. I was told that too much torque sent my motor mounts straight to hell. That was fun. Mechanic even made fun of me. Good times all around eh?

Okay, let me go on record as saying I hate the "Discount Flooring Direct" kids. Seriously. It's nothing personal, except for the fact that the commercial is on more than Michael Marsh. I mean good God. I swear I checked my voicemail yesterday and that little kid at the end left a message on my phone: "Oh yeaaaah...." Damnit.

Random T.V. Commercial:

"To find out if your pacemaker or defibrillator are on the recall list, call attorney Robert Goldwater!" Okay, well, what if it's too late and you're already dead? Can someone else call for you? Can someone find this out? Can someone, you know, "get answers?"

People from Kenya should be banned from all marathons. I honestly don't know why other people even enter.

Actual conversation between me and Security Guard Bob:

Bob: "Were you here last week when he had all that riff-raff?"
Terry: "No."
Bob: "Well, some lady showed up demanding that we put her on air. We asked her to leave but she said she wasn't going anywhere until we put her on the air. So I told her, Ma'am, you're on private property and you have to leave. She refused again, so I told her, you can either leave on your own accord, or I can call the cops and have them carry your ass outta here. So she said, "What's your name". I said, "Bob Jones." And then she asks, "You gotta badge?" I said, "No, but I gotta gu-un!"
Terry: (can't stop laughing)


You see, working overnights aren't so bad.

Random Newsroom Comment:

Todd: "I'm here to tell you that if another hurricane makes it into the gulf, Governor Blanco will activate the entire national guard, and evacuate the entire state."

Hey I have an idea. We could have the little kid from the "Discount Flooring Direct" commercial co-anchor with MM. Ratings? THROUGH THE ROOF!! Marsh can read the stories like normal, but at the end of every block, just before the break, the little kid will go, "Oh yeaaahhh!!!" Make it happen.

Okay, Michael Chertoff looks like "Fire Marshal Bill".

I'm pretty sure I can't be the only one that noticed that the same family who ended up shipwrecked on a desert island while enroute to New Guinea, coincidentally ended up on a farm in the midwest just three years later before eventually shooting their dog , Old Yeller. Just thought I should mention this.

Back to my weekend. Me and the Mrs. were "churchin'" it up for most of the day Sunday and, while we were getting our "pray on", I noticed several things while visiting the the two churches.
Faces: Contrary to what everyone believes, not everyone in church wants to be there. With the exception of a couple of "Holy Rollers" and the old folks, most people were in church because someone dragged them. Now you may say, "hey Terry, how can you prove this theory?" Well, that's easy. The next time you go to service, pay attention to faces; men and children. While sitting at these two church services on Sunday, I saw looks on people's faces that could only be compared to those seen at P.O.W. Camps in those black and white pictures we see on The History Channel. Crazy.

Clothes: Clothes, clothes, clothes. Good God. I've never seen so much fixed hair and "store creases" before in my life. I thought I was in a church full of mannequins. Somtetimes I think the meaning of Easter and Christmas get's lost in between Dillards and Foleys.

Church Members: I don't know what it is, but people who for some reason, stop coming to church, decide to join back on Easter Sunday. Why? I have no earthly idea, but I don't know if it's all the pastors basically telling everyone, "if you're not a member of my church, you're going to hell", doing it or not. Or maybe it's that famous line after the "Morning Message" that makes the "backsliders" join; "The Doors of the church are open", followed by ushers walking to where the people who haven't been seen in church since last Easter Sunday are sitting and start pulling them up to the front. Who knows, but this is the one holiday, where you will actually find a church packed to capacity, and most times a little bit over capacity.

People: Somebody once said that you can find more "sinful" people in a church than you can find on a street corner, and you know what, who ever said that was absolutely right. On any given sunday, you'll find some of the worst people in the community sitting in church, smiling, shaking hands, and kissing babies. And for those who aren't "out there", a great majority of the people in church, knows all their business, and usually talks about it the entire service with the person sitting next to them. I have yet to meet one person who doesn't know something horrible about someone sitting in church every Sunday.

Going to church won't get you to Heaven any quicker than not going will send you to Hell. It's all in the person and their relationship with God. Agree or disagree, just my .02, take it or leave it.

(Peeps on sale, 10 packs for a dollar!)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Let's Catch Some Crocs...

Things Heard On the Scanners

2:10am
Lady called 9-11 because she says her neighbor is performing "witchcraft" on her. I don't even have a comment.

2:12
Someone ran over a girl's leg at J-I-B -- on Choctaw and Airline. If someone said land-mines went off or Zacarias Moussaoui was selling surface to air missiles in the parking lot of that J-I-B, I wouldn't even bat an eyelash.

*Blog*

If this place was the movie "Titanic", which part of the movie would we be in right now? Would the ship be taking on water while the band plays on, or will Carisma and I be floating down the mississippi laying on top of the big door?

Don't remember if I mentioned this or not in previous editions of "Los Bloges", but I saw the most disturbing commercial I'd ever seen this morning -- an advertisement for "Guys Gone Wild". And what's so crazy is, I'm not even making this up. Now we've all seen the GGW commercials for years, but this new shit features everything in Girls-GW, but only guys. Okay, now excuse me while I go poor bleach in both eyes.

Why is it, that when I'm out in public, people ask me for the strangest things. Now when i say people, I mean, the residency-challenged. But last week, when I made my once-a-weekly drive down to the Highland road Circle K, I got out of the black beast and heard someone call me. Some girl, probably in her late 20's or early 30's, called me to her car. The exchange went like this:

Girl: "Hey boy, come here."
TF: "What?"
(She holds up one of those "Jack Daniels" alcoholic lemonades)
Girl: "Can you buy me another one of these?"
TF: "Ah, all I have is my check card."
(I walk in the store, get my stuff and walk out)
Girl: "Hey, can you buy me one of these? Oh, I asked you already didn't I? (looks at my bags) I thought you didn't have any money?"
TF: "I told you all I had was my check card."
Girl: "Oh, well, give me a dollar."
TF: "No."


Joke Niccy found on the net:

"Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records."

Conversation between Niccy and I:

Niccy: "God, I have the worst stomach ache."
Terry: (in my Ah-nald voice) "It might be a tu-mah."
Niccy: "No, it were those three rubber jelly beans I ate."

Questions for news two's Michael Marsh, who's getting me answers:

1. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
2. Why does the word "lisp" have an "s" and a "p" in it?
3. Do all dogs really go to heaven?

New Fun Game:

While sitting in the control room during 2une In, I had what alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity", or my daily "M-O-C", and I came up with a new game called, "Make The Anchors Stumble". In my nearly five years of producing, I've found that anchors hate pronouncing long words. I mean, I've written a script and I've had anchors do everything from put another word in place, to skip over the particular word all together. So fellow producers, in light of this, I realized the way to get your favorite anchor to read your "make me sound smart" big word, and coincidentally stumble, is to bury it in the middle of a long script. So producers, try this, next time you're in the middle of writing a long script, just randomly throw in these lines:

"....and Christopher's chrysanthemum was persuasively perverted."
"....and the conflicting conclusions were inconclusive."
"....the jell-o pudding pops were pleasingly pleasurable"
"...osteo-preposterous"
"....balloon sinu-plasty."

If you're bored, working at another station because of a hurricane, or it's your last day, go ahead, have some fun. Now I'm not saying that I've tried this or know anyone who has. I'm just throwing out suggestions.

If Paul and Niccy ever decided to have a kid, I swear that kid would come out a cross between "Tweet" on "South Park" and the "Tasmanian Devil". And that wasn't even a joke, that was just an observation.

Random Control Room comments:

"The people on HGTV have more money invested in their yards, than I have in my whole house. "I think I'll ad some new shrubs, let's spend 70-thousand dollars."

"The stars at night, are big and bright, deep in the heart of taxes."

"I think now that I have a more flexible work schedule, I'll go to Pennington and get in one of those programs, earn some extra cash. They got programs that pay you if you're fat or something. Give you some pills to see how you react. Give you some X, see what it does to you."

"That's hard hobbit to break."

"This is payday, nobody has any money."
"But you're in the high paying T.V. industry."

"We really need some rain for the easter weekend. Kids can't have an easter egg hunt because it's so damn hot. They'll go outside and start spontaneously combusting looking for the eggs."

Random Commercial Spot Opening Line that we've been running:

"Can you hear, but you can't understand?"

Well, trappers have finally caught the gator that's been "terrorizing" the LSU lakes. Yeah, they say although it hadn't hurt anyone, it was too big and when they caught it, they have to kill it. Now, coincidentally, out friend was feeling somewhat frisky, and decided to crawl out of the lake, into someone's yard. So wildlife and fisheries called in a trapper and that was that. Now we have about 40 to 50 pounds of tail meat from the 200-plus pound gator, about three leather jackets, and some really nice boots. But who did they call and why didn't we have a camera out there? I could've went something like this:

(throw up: "exclusive only on News Two super and leave it up the whole time)

TR: "Good morning everyone, I'm Todd Ross and we're live at the LSU lakes for this very special edition of 2une In. And for weeks, people living on are around the lakes have reported seeing an alligator. Witness accounts put the reptile from 6 to 20 feet long, and between 250 and 2,000 pounds. So in an effort to trap and destroy the gator, officials with Louisiana Wildlife and Fisheries brought in the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Erwin. Good Morning Steve."
SE: "Mornin' Todd! Got real good Croc-huntin' weather down here in south Louisiana aye?"
TR: "Ah, yeah, I tell my wife that all the time. Now just a couple of questions Steve. First off, you're known throughout as the crocodile hunter, but right now, you're hunting an alligator. Do you think that will cause any problems?"
SE: "I'd say no Todd. As long as I can get close enough to the little bugger to jam my thumb up his butthole, we should be fine."
TR: "Okay, that's good Steve. Now, do you think that the alligators are a problem here in south Louisiana?"
SE: "No, Todd."
TR: "Okay, Steve, so what are you gonna do today."
SE: "Well Todd, we're gonna catch some of these king crocs you got runnin' around down here."
TR: "Great, so let's get started."
SE:"Now what I'm gonna do today is look in all the usual places for that pesky reptile. And when we find him, I'm gonna sneak up on him and jam my thumb up his but-hole -- see can I piss-em off...."
(he starts walking around)
SE: "Wait a minute, what that ova there...."
TR: "Do you see him?"
SE: "No, but i see a very large pile of south Louisiana fire ants! Let come over here and stir em' up, see can I piss em' off a little."
(he grabs a stick and starts poking at the mound, and the ants start coming out."
SE: "Ah, there ya go. Look at that. Just beautiful -- look at the little critters go!"
TR: "Remember folks, this is exclusive, you'll only see this on news two!"
(Steve just takes off running and just dives in the lakes)
SE: "Aye!! There he goes, that goddamn king croc over there! Cry-kee!! Look at the size of em!"
(He wrestles with the alligator a few minutes and then both he and the alligator go under water.)

TR: "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh, both Steve and the gator have went underwater! They are both underwater! Are we getting this? I hope you're seeing this at home! I think he's dead, ladies and gentlemen, the crocodile hunter, Steve Erwin has died, and you saw it here, exclusively on news two!"
(The gator's body floats up and Steve jumps up out of the water)
TR: "Ladies and gentlemen, Steve is alive! He's alive! Contrary to what you heard a few seconds ago, he is in fact, alive and well. Let's go over and see if we can get a word with him.
(Steve walks up out of the water up to Todd holding the mic in his face.)
TR: "Steve, describe to the viewers what just happened."
SE: "Well Todd, people out here by the lakes were afraid to leave their homes because of this little guy. I took matters into my own hands and took him out. It's not all fun and games with the king crocs out there. Sometimes it's a matter of l-ife, and death, and this time I lived, that fella got the death sentence."
(He starts crying and walks off.)
TR: "No doubt, a very emotional day for Steve Erwin, the crocodile hunter. Sometimes he's called upon to save lives. Very emotional. But coming up in the next half hour of 2une In, How would you like to increase the size of your penis and get rid of that embarrassing foot odor at the same time? We'll show you how coming up in the next half of 2une In. Stay tuned."


Or something like that. It could happen. Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Goddamn Loch Ness Monster...

*Blog*

Good morning people....
I'd like to start today's edition of "Los Bloges" off a little different. Today, I'm gonna start the blog off with a prayer. I even named it -- the News Two Employee prayer. Here goes nothing...

"Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly, far, far away from here......" That's not it, wrong one. Here it goes:

"Dear God, help!!! I promise if you bless me with winning this weekend's lottery jackpot, or selling a screenplay, I will give large amounts of my winnings to the church, the children and the community. I swear on all that is sacred that I will help the homeless, build a youth center, and buy spinning rims for every school bus in East Baton Rouge Parish. Amen."

Just for the record, Niccy Whiteman has the whitest foot I have every seen on a human being. I swear, it looks like she tied a rope around her ankle to cut off the blood flow. Did you get bit by a snake?

PCDI Commercial just came on with this little black lady asking everyone the question, "What would you do with an extra $200,000 a year?" Well, after much pondering and debating, I came up with a list.

1. Monkey
2. A nice hat
3. A nice suit to match my hat (see number 2)
4. Some comfortable white socks
5. A big white couch

Security Guard Bob was very fascinated with the paper shredder this morning. Just thought I should mention that.

Todd Ross told me a very intriguing story of an "Obese" woman at the Walmart in Walker. Well apparently, this woman was in one of those little "hov-around" motorized chairs heading into the store from the parking lot when for some reason it just goes out. And what does this woman do after her motorized chair goes out? She just sits there -- while cars continue backing up behind her eventually, in Todd R's words, shutting down the whole Walmart. So what would you do if someone was blocking the driveway at Walmart? Same thing they did, you'd honk your horn and that's what allegedly went on for 3 to 4 minutes after this lady's chair went out on her. So what did she do? She looked back and threw her hands up as if to say, "What do you want me to do?". So while all of this was going on, Todd began to wonder if the lady was either lazy, or just physically unable to walk. But he didn't have to wonder too long, because this nice obese Walker woman, who'd sat in her broken down "hov-around" in one of the parking lot driveway's at Walmart, essentially shutting the store down, got up out of her chair, and pushed it into the store. So you're probably wondering what the moral of this story is? Well, it's simple, people in Walker are assholes.....

Some Serious Thoughts Hurricane Evacuees:

*Some* hurricane evacuees are complaining -- again. This time about their latest "Free" service being taken away. Yesterday the one's living at the trailer village up in Baker had their last "free" hot meal. Now I didn't know this, but since being put up in the trailers, these people have been getting three hot meals -- everyday, for free. Now, please do not take this the wrong way, as my heart does go out to any and everyone affected by the storm, but this is just ridiculous. I'm not talking about everyone, because there are people who are working to better their situation, some of them are old, and some are disabled, but a great majority are sitting on their asses. In two years after the storm, they'll be getting a free place to stay, $2k a month, free utilities, and free meals up until last night. Why in the hell are they complaining? What more do they want? As the saying goes, God only helps those who try to help themselves, and there are plenty of people living in these trailer communities sitting on their asses waiting for handouts when they could be down in N.O. helping to rebuild their city. We see them on TV complaining everyday about not being able to go home, but what are they doing to help speed up the process? I know they weren't prepared for all of this; no one was, but they can't expect it all to be done for them. Don't understand

Apparently, President Bush is in the news again. It looks like his old buddy Scooter Libby told prosecutors that old "Dubya" told him to leak parts of "Highly Classified" intelligence to a reporter to get the heat off himself and his Iraq policy. Well. Has their been one good story coming out of this man's administration over the last few years or the republican party for that matter? I swear, I haven't seen a group this shakey since the 2004 Kansas City Royals pitching staff.

(Toss to break)

***TRADE***TRADE***TRADE****
(sports ticker) "WBRZ and WAFB have ageed to a trade in principle. WBRZ will send Tony Jones and reporters to be named later to WAFB for Greg Meriwhether and cash"

(Back to the blog)

What in the hell happened to Bill Cosby? He's been very pissed off lately and I think it has something to do with the fact the we haven't been seeing any "Jell-ooo Pudding" commercials on T.V. Can someone look into this? Lets get some answers people.

According to experts, the Formosan Termite is the most destructive insect in Louisiana. You could have fooled me. I always thought the mosquito claimed that that title. Last time I check they were giving people West Nile left and right; got fools dropping like hot cakes. I think that report needs to be reevaluated. Michael Marsh, get me some damn answers.

South Park went too far for poor Isaac Hayes, when they made fun of his precious Scientology and it's founder, L. Ron Hubbard. And because of this, we'll no longer have "Chef" on "South Park", at least as we know him, but that's not the thing that bother's me the most. The thing that bother's me the most is the fact that we'll no longer hear from Chef's parents, Thomas and Nellie. So in honor of two of the funniest characters ever on the show (other than the Shitty-Wok guy), here you go:

Thomas: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
Stan: No, that's okay.
Thomas: Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water.
Nellie: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!"
Thomas: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes,
Nellie: Oh, it was so scary!
Thomas: -and I yelled. I said, "What do you want from us, monster?!" And the monster bent down and said, "…Uh I need about tree-fitty."
(silence)
Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
Thomas: Three dollars and fifty cents.
Nellie: Tree-fitty.
Stan: He wanted money?
Thomas: That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
Nellie: I gave him a dollar.
Thomas: She gave him a dollar.
Nellie: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Thomas: Well of course he's not gonna go away, Nellie! You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more

Just my Tree Fitty, take it or leave it.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

That's My Momma

*Blog*

Glad to see everyone enjoyed yesterday's Newsroom 2006 Draft. I wrote the first half of that about 2 months ago and was going through my computer yesterday and ran across it and decided to finish it. Got some good feedback and that's always good.

Okay, so I was sitting at my desk around 2 this morning when old Security Guard Bob walks in and we had this exchange:

SGB: "We got a vagrant living on the premises Terry."
TF: "Really?"
SGB: "Yeah ole' Pallas told us about it Yesterday. She says that someone noticed a cardboard box and a tent set up out by the Heli-pad, and she wanted us to check it out tonight."
TF:"Really?"
SGB: "Yep. So I'm gonna go down there and check it out. Before I go I'm gonna need your cell phone number, just in case. If you hear gun shots call the cops."
TF: "Really?"
(he left and came back at 3:30am)
SGB: "i'm on my way out there. Oh yeah, and if I ain't back by 4, you call the cops."
TF: "Okay."
(comes back about 30 minutes later)
SGB: "I'm back. Wasn't anything down there, just some kids playing around."

Needless to say, Ole' Security Guard Bob didn't have to fire off any warning shots. So I guess you can say all was well.

Random thoughts:

Why is it that it's okay for an attorney general to pose as a 14 year old girl or boy in a chat room, but it's illegal for everyone else? Every story we've ran about internet predators over the last year basically says the same thing, "A man attempting to pick up a 12, 13, 14, 15 year old girl in a chatroom, picked up a Federal Investigator instead". You have to think that some law is being broken somewhere. Or is it just me?

Reverend Bowman apparently didn't like his draft position yesterday. His ass called all night to complain.

I caught the John Brady interview at 6 yesterday -- brought to us live from tape machines X, Y, Z in master control. Two things I really liked:

1. How it looked like they shot it in the Bat Cave.
2. How they had Mike Kennon in as an extra. Mike, buddy I hope you got your 50 bucks.

Walking through Walmart with the Mrs. the other day perusing through DVD's and noticed that season 2 of "That's My Mamma" is out on DVD. And yes, your reaction is probably the same as ours, "That's a real show?". Yes it is. I'm not sure if that's the season featuring the "What's Going Down" episode with Mr. Randy Watson starring as Joe the policeman.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Sexual Chocolate!!!"

It's Official, Katie Couric is leaving the "Today Show" in June. She's headed to the anchor desk where she'll be the first female anchor to solo a major evening newscast. Now, why am I the only one that thinks everyone's making too big a deal out of this? Now I'm not knocking Katie at all, in fact, more power to her, but you'd think she was Veronica Corningstone knocking off Ron Burgundy or something. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

Good to see Lindsey is still keeping up with "Los Bloges". Sup Linds? How's Big D?

Heard through the grapevine that our emails are being monitored -- again. This leads me to ask the question -- Why? Have we found out someone working here has ties to terrorists networks? Did the Balco investigation lead investigators here? I mean seriously, the things we waste our time on will never cease to amaze me. I feel like we're working for the damn K-G-B.

Todd's and I baseball conversations are beginning to get more and more heated by the day. I think something may happen. Now were not at Tito Ortiz and Ken Shamrock proportions just yet, but he can expect a Matthew-esque note from me on his desk very soon.

Thoughts on a News Story:

So I come in the other day and go through my whole routine of searching all the newscasts from the previous day, pathfire, and wires for stories to fill 2une In and ran across a pedestrian struck story in the 10. So I popped it open and started reading it and came across some questionable wording -- okay, let me get to the point, it was a "porno line". See if you can find it.

"A man is in the hospital tonight, after he was hit by a police car. Police tell us 44-year-old albert elmer was hit while he was trying to run across airline highway near prescott. Police say officer david kennedy was northbound on airline... police say he attempted to avoid hitting elmer... about a dozen units raced on scene. Elmer moaned as paramedics got ready to put him on a stretcher. no other word on his injuries. Officer kennedy wasn't injured... no word yet on whether Kennedy will face any charges."

Okay did you find it? If you didn't, here it is: "Elmer moaned as paramedics got ready to put him on the stretcher." Okay, he moaned? And what did he say when they got him loaded up, "It hurt so good?". I know I couldn't have been the only person who caught that line. Oh well.

Apparently News Two's Michael Marsh is still getting me answers. Well Marsh, that information would have been very useful about 8 years ago when my ass was struggling through the ACT. No, I wasn't one of the korean kids consistently banging out 36s. Nope, I was just a regular inner-city youth -- looking for answers. But since you weren't there for me then to help me, "Get Answers", I have some questions right now that you can maybe answer. And here they are:

1. How much longer will the girls be going wild?
1.b.What will they do after they've all calmed down?
1.c. Will they ever calm down?
1.d. What made them so wild in the first place?
2. Why do people in wheel chairs have dirty shoes? (straight to hell I know, but I'm so serious)
3. Why did Fred Sanford have junk inside his house too?
4. If Willie Nagin is mayor of the "Chocolate City", does that make all the people living in N.O. Umpa-loompas?

I was sitting around thinking of ways to increase our station's popularity, and I came up an idea. we should come out with a CD, and when I say we, I mean the whole station. Channel 2 R&B. I'll produce it and have current employees sing the songs. Here are a few titles I came up with.

1. "(Um-bum-pa-pa, Um-bum-pa-pa) Baby, Don't Forget My Super" Feat. Milli Vanilli....well..Milli at least
2. "Just My Animation"
3. "Where is the Bug? (You said you'd build for me?)"
4. "Books Like This I Wish, That Ratings Don't Fall" Feat. The Five Heartbeats
5. "That's the Way, (Uh, huh, Uh, huh) I Timed It"
6. "That's Why I'm Easy Like Sunday Journal" feat. Lionel Richie
7. "Could It Be I'm Fallin' Asleep?"
8. "I'm Sending Him A 4-Page Email"

9. "Looks Like Another Love SOT-VO" Feat. Teddy Pendergrass
10 "Don't Let Your Children Grow Up To Photogs"

11. "What Makes The Bug Go Round" Feat. Al Green
12. "I'm All Timed Out (Over You)" Feat. Lisa Lisa
13. "Produc-tion" Feat. Usher
14. "I'm On The Outside Lookin' In(Of the tournament)" Feat. Eightball and MJG


Just My .02, take it or leave it.